I didn’t want it to mean that much to me

I was going to write about something completly different, a discussion and whether or not deaths caused by natural disasters should be considered unnatural deaths. Talk about randomness in my head. But I’ll save that for another time.

I should be studied. Put in a test tube in a laboratory and studied. I care way too much about my job. Especially when I am constantly fixing other people’s mistakes. And then when I’m doing that, some other “little thing” gets put on my desk. And the work I was doing originally before I had to go fix someone’s screw up suffers. I don’t get my obit reports out on time and the other million little projects I have on my to-do list never get done. And usually, by the time a project gets to me, it has a due date of last week. So I’m rushing to get things done. As my boss stands at my desk wondering why my obit reports aren’t done yet. I shouldn’t be this helpful. I should start ducking all this extra work. But I don’t. I’m not even sure how I would. I used to think I was the second man up from the bottom of the totem pole here. But I’m not so sure that’s true anymore. Being on the bottom of the totem pole means you have to pick up the pieces when things fall apart. It means you get stuck with work no one else will or can do. It means you fill in where there are empty spots due to absence or emergency. It also means there is no one to cover your work when you are sick, or otherwise busy. Most popular line around here – “So-and-So is overworked. Can you do this for them?” But my name is never put in the So-and-So’s spot. That line is always uttered to me, not about me. I seriously wish I had an assistant. Just someone who could pick up the pieces when I start falling apart a little. Some intelligent part-time high school kid would be perfect. They don’t need to be here twenty-four/seven, but after-school or three days a week or something. They get experience and a little money, and this office runs just a bit smoother. It could become a highly sought-after intership for students who might want to pursue law. The requirements would be high to ensure a good worker and maybe sometimes the position would be empty, but it would be a huge help. And not only to me. The position was one that had been filled by me when I was in school. I didn’t have a set schedule or even a set paycheck for that matter. I came on on days off from school and in the summer. I picked up the slack that gets tangled in the busy day to day crap. And then I returned to high school and my own life. It was great experience. But there are issues and reasons why they won’t hire someone like that ever again. Not because I screwed up so much, because I didn’t. I know they don’t want the secretaries to rely on someone like that all the time. But look, I’m still here and everyone seems to think I have all the time in the world to do whatever they don’t feel like doing.

**BREATHE**

Ok, I’m fine now I promise. I’ve been having these little mental breakdowns all week. Lack of sleep, people picking at me, school starting and that time of the month all rolled into one week. Its crazy, thats what it is. I was hoping to ease into school, have a week without stress at work and be able to get my mind back into the swing of going to school. But that didn’t happen. Everything had to hit the fan this week includnig my emotions. Now I’m swinging back and forth and up and down and its really strange. I wonder how much of it is the way life is and how much of it is my bipolarism acting up again. It makes me worried that if I do go away to school, I will lose it and go crazy again. But another part of me is so damn determined to make this work. I’m going to bust my ass and do this! I want to so badly.

My mom and I went to Danbury last night and I bought my Ipod. It is very cool and I’m happy. It was nice to go with Mommy too. We got to talk in the car on the way there and the way back. We were talking about going away to college in September and where I could go if I needed to get off campus. My uncle only lives like 2 hours from Fredonia and Geneseo is only 2 hours (the other direction) as well. For some reason, my mom has been really pushing lately for me and one of the Grover boys to hook up. She was bugging me about the movie Justin and I went to go see. I told her we sat in the back and made out. She told me she highly doubted that. I’m not sure why she’s so keen on the Grover boys. Maybe she’s feeling her age and she wants grandkids, but she’ll have to wait until I’m ready. Anyway, we were talking about whether or not I’d take my car to school with me. I said I probably would cause I can drive home on breaks and I can go see my uncle or other people. She asked me how I was going to keep up my car payments. I told her Daddy had said he would reevaluate my monthly payments for my car if I am in school full-time. I still have to pay it off eventually, but he would consider lowering the payments (and even helping with my insurance) if I’m in school instead of working full-time. Of course, I’m also saving money now that Christmas and birthday is over. I got my car stereo and I got my Ipod. The only other “extra” expenses are doctor visits and fixing my car. I want to go on a real vacation sometime before September too, so I’m saving a little money for that and for Megan’s trip out here. But the majority of my savings is for long-term and school.

Mom told me I should ask for a raise at work. She said I have valuable skills that I should be well-payed for. I told her I was planning on leaving in September and she said it was all the more reason to get more money before I left. She’s right, I guess, but I’m nervous about asking. Especially considering how hard it was to get me on as full-time. I’m going to talk to Daddy about it first. He may have a good idea on how to approach Val. I don’t want to put her on the defensive or get in a position of “Give me a raise or I walk.” I don’t know where I’d go if I did quit here. I’m sure I could find a job, but probably only entry-level. Maybe in another hotel, but I don’t think I’ll find more than $10/hr starting. So I’m debating if I’m going to try and get that raise or not. Maybe suggest a six-month review like everyone is suppose to get and try to ask for more money then. I need the money, there is no doubt in that. I’m just not convinced I’ll be able to get more money from them. The thing that really makes me think that is I was working for $7.50/hr for the longest time. The only way I got a “raise” is because I had been working at the hotel making $10/hr and when I came back to the law firm I told Val I had to make the same if not more. Well, she matched the hotel which at that point was good enough. But in all honestly I don’t have any serious skills. I don’t have any classes behind me (besides the notary public class – I should really take that test) and I don’t have any other experience besides working here. I think a lot of what I do here is specialty work for this firm. I take care of the closed file database and procedures, I write letters, do timesheets, answer phones – but its all stuff that is very particular to this firm. I know the way they do it here backwards and forwards. But if I were to go to another firm, I don’t kno