i can’t see through this charade

I’m having an anxiety attack. Its just the start of it. I’ve been fighting it off all day long. Actually more like over a week. But now it’s catching up. I decided to take the Seroquel like I’m supposed. I’ve been slacking off in the taking of my meds. I don’t really know how it happens. I’m very organized and prepared and going forward. Then I trip and I can’t seem to pick myself back up. But I’m going to fight it this time. Really hard. Included in the fighting is taking my meds and being honest about things. I may not be able to be honest out loud, but I can try to be honest here. I should be able to be honest and open here. I don’t completely know why, but I’m still guarded. I’m still protecting something inside me. I think I’m still recovering from the past year. Let’s take a look…

MAY I was finishing up the semester, which is always stressful. I had competed in concerto competition and didn’t make it to the finals. Strangely enough that didn’t bother me that much. It was also perhaps the first time I realized how much I didn’t like going home. I don’t like going home anymore. It’s no longer the place for me. I don’t know where excatly I belong, but I don’t want to be there. My parents and I don’t excatly get along anymore. I shouldn’t have to put up with them treating me like that, especially my father. I’m not really looking forward to the summer. My father and I were fighting but to be honest I couldn’t tell you what the problem was. I was fighting with my mother and Manny. I was re-questioning every decision I’d made and the direction I’d choosen. That was May. Which actually seems tame compared to June.

JUNE The International Double-Reed Society Conference, which included my car accident, the arguments with Alyssa, the beauty of nature, the amazingness of the oboes I got to play and hear. All while being high on Vicodin. The conference was only a few days, but immediately on my return home my grandfather passed away. So I got more Vicodin and went to Florida to deal with my neurotic grandmother and my father (who I was still arguing with). I thought the week at IDRS was tough. It was nothing compared to the week spent in Florida with the clan.

JULY This sped by with working, dealing with the pain from the accident, and some intense fighting with Manny. Work was amazing, as the guys I worked with became good friends and helped me when the pain was too much for me.

AUGUST My mother’s family reunion, which my father did not want to go to. This caused tension between him and I. Then my uncle had a little nervous breakdown, which caused tension with everyone. More fights with my father and increased pain from all the driving. The following weekend my cousin got married. The other side of the family (the side that just lost our grandfather) all got back together. That was trying. My father and I, of course, argued while my mother tried to keep the peace. My grandmother didn’t do much to help. And being my cousin’s wedding, I didn’t know anyone and ended up being that woman who sat and danced with the children and tried to keep them in line. Then we got back and I had to pack for school. My parents and I went to the CIA for a good-bye dinner, but of course my father and I were still tense. But then I could leave for school.

FALL SEMESTER This was the first time I was really living by myself. I’ve been home alone, but thats different than totally aloneness. I had some very, very strange dreams. It took some getting used to, but eventually things calmed down. I got ready for my junior recital and made some new friends – Baboon, Newfie and James. Jenn and I had a reconciliation, and everything seemed okay. Closer to my recital, I started having mini-nervous breakdowns, which Jenny figured out was actually panic attacks. The build-up to my recital was intense, but it went amazingly well. People I never expected actually came to see me and I had a great time. Still stressful, but good. The rest of the semester was odd. Baboon and Newfie had a huge falling out, which I sort of got caught in the middle of. I discovered I didn’t like Baboon as much as I thought and Newfie and I got close. Really close. There was a trip to Toronto which is immortalized in snow and perfection. I started to believe I might be capable of falling in love again and letting someone love me back.

CHRISTMAS BREAK Grandma was coming. Grandma wasn’t coming. She was, she wasn’t and last minute she decided to come. It made me stressed! Once Christmas ended I went back to school for a January online course, which turned out to be harder than anything. I went down to Florida for my birthday to see both grandmothers. I didn’t mind going, but I was there by myself and there for a little too long I think. And I missed Newfie more than I would have liked. I turned twenty-four and tried to be happy, but I should be honest. I was miserable. I pretended to be so happy to be sitting in my grandmother’s kitchen with her and my other grandmother singing to me. It was just the three of us, and they were tickled pink that they got me on my actual birthday. But I felt pathetic and lonely and miserable. Still, I pretended it was great. I was pretending everything, but I felt like crying every day. Nothing was wrong, but I was miserable! I went back to school and locked myself in my apartment in an attempt to pass that online course. Then dove headfirst into spring semester.

SPRING SEMESTER My world imploded. And in multiple directions. Here are the highlights and the short version:
Jessica lost her mind and betrayed me, which made me think Newfie betrayed me and I spent days (yes, DAYS) in tears. The end result: Newfie told me he cared for me, but still wanted his ex. It broke my heart, when I didn’t even know that he had that kind of power. He made promises that he didn’t/couldn’t keep, which hurt me to no end. I relearned not to trust. Then Newfie decided to leave and I had a complete nervous breakdown, complete with cutting and blackouts. Then the diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress, which scared me beyond belief. Trying to enjoy the time I had with Newfie before he left was extremely hard. In the spirit of being honest, my world was revolving around him. I was cooking for him, driving for him, doing anything and everything for him. But I didn’t care. It really didn’t bother me. I really enjoyed doing it. Then he left and I didn’t excatly know what to do. The Spring Break Road Trip was okay, but it was not the healing that I really needed. It wasn’t until about a month ago when things started to actually heal. I started to figure out a lot of my issues and even work through some of them.

Now the semester is ending and though I’ve been okay for a while, I’m not doing well now. I’m anxious and nervous and depressed. But I’m pretending. I’m pushing things aside and forcing myself forward. But I’m not trusting. Its all a facade. I’m scared to be open and believe in anything or anyone. I don’t know if its simply his fault or not, but Newfie promised to come back. He was supposed to come back for Cantata Sunday in April. That didn’t work out, so he was going to come sometime in May. That doesn’twork now. So now he’s claiming he’ll be here in June. But to be honest, I don’t believe him. I’m not completely healed from all that happened with me and him this year. It wasn’t sexual; it was mental and intellectual. I just want to be safe and protected right now. I want to know that I’m strong enough, capable enough, good enough to make it through hard things. I’m willing to ask for help. But I don’t want another crutch. Manny was a crutch for so long. I’ve used other people as crutches and I don’t want to do that anymore. There is a difference between accepting someone’s help and using them as a crutch. Newfie was a crutch, which why its so hard for me to be just friends with him right now. This is why its so hard for me to trust or open up. I know how much it hurts and I don’t want that again. I don’t really know.

Well don’t you know I need a little indulgence?
Listen to the hunter becoming hunted
Every day there’s a million advances
Don’t be too forceful you’ll ruin your chances
Well don’t you know that time is a broken glass
That splinters against the wall?
But the picture is coming back now baby,
And I want to take it all

Don’t go making all these promises you know you cannot keep
There’s a time to play a king and a time to be the thief
‘Cause if you’re making all these promises you know you cannot keep
You know time will be the thief and your fallen king will end up alone

So let your body move a little bit closer
Silent like the sound proceeding a cyclone
Don’t you know that powerful thinking
Can be a force you don’t want to relinquish?
Well don’t you know that,
They say that hanging on will justify the wait?
But patience and elated wisdom
Don’t share a common phrase

Don’t go making all these promises you know you cannot keep
There’s a time to play a king and a time to be the thief
‘Cause if you’re making all these promises you know you cannot keep
You know time will be the thief and your fallen king will end up alone

Well, I’m only hanging on for what goes down
I’m floating high and my feet don’t touch the ground
I’d take advantage but I can’t see through this charade
So don’t you, don’t go make it harder than hell
‘Cause when it comes down to the making
You better be damned sure you can take it

Don’t go making all these promises you know you cannot keep
There’s a time to play a king and a time to be the thief
‘Cause if you’re making all these promises you know you cannot keep
You know time will be the thief and your fallen king will end up alone

Promises ~ Savage Garden