i’m so sorry in the morning

I don’t want to be a burden on people. I don’t want people to think the worst everytime my name comes up on the caller ID. I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me. I don’t want to be that person on suicide watch. I don’t want people to think they can’t leave me alone. I don’t want to give in to all of this. I don’t want to be the person who can’t be in control. I don’t want to be the person who constantly makes excuses. I don’t want to be everything that drives me crazy in other people.

But I’m losing my grip. I’m losing my reality. I’m screwing up and I didn’t ask for help soon enough. I think the most dangerous part of me is that I think I’m so in control. I think I’m fine. I think I’ve got all the cards balanced so perfectly. But I really don’t. Eventually it catches up with me and the cards go flying. I can catch some of them, but there are always a few that slip between my fingers. And I sit staring at them, so mad at myself for screwing up again. So mad for not asking for help sooner. For not making that phone call to tell someone I’m not as okay as they think I am. For not seeing the signs, the ticks, the tells. I should know better by now, shouldn’t I? I should be able to see these things coming. I should be better at this by now.

It’s 1:30 in the morning
But that’s alright by me
Weren’t you just waiting by the phone?
I should give a little warning
But I need the things I need
I’m not proud to need a hand
But I just don’t understand…

So Why should you come when I call?
I never say nothing at all
Why do I go, when I go?
It’s leaving me here all alone
You ought to get out on your own

Ain’t necessarily a bad thing
To believe the things I say
Cause you can make yourself feel good
You know it’s really not a good thing
To give everything to me
I’m just waiting for the show
Cause I got nowhere to go

So why should you come when I call?
I never say nothing at all
Why do I go, when I go?
It’s leaving me here all alone
You ought to get out on your own

Cause nothing makes me feel so good
Or gets me high so I sleep at night
And lets me know that everything’s alright
I feel nice

I’m so sorry in the morning
You can believe what you believe
I’m used to waking up alone
And if you think about it
Anyone you think about is better love than me
But if you’re not fallen quite asleep
I might call tonight
If that’s alright…

Why should you come when I call?
I never say nothing at all
Why do I go, when I go?
It’s leaving me here all alone
You ought to get out on your own

Why Should You Come When I Call? ~ Counting Crows