i’m acquainted with your suffering

So its just been a shitty kind of week. I think I’m going to just write off the entire month of February. And March. It snowed Thursday. So the oboe studio was apprehensive about going to Sarah’s mom’s wake. But I’m stubborn. Sarah said she needed us, so I’m there. I’m going and I don’t care. If it takes me three hours, it takes me three hours. Nissa was kind of pissing me off because she kept telling people we were going to try and make it. No, we were going to make it. Sarah’s boyfriend Kyle was still at school on Thursday. He was supposed to ride out with some other people, but slowly everyone else dropped out from going. Granted two of them were rather sick, so I understand why they didn’t want to go. Kyle called Nissa to see if he could get a ride with us, otherwise his parents would come to get him. She told him that his parents should get him cause we might not make it. I kept saying, “No, we’re gonna make it.” I’m stubborn and I don’t give up that easily. Especially when the snow stopped just as we were leaving. So Kyle’s parents ended up driving to Fredonia to pick him up and bring him back to the wake. They arrived not long after we did and Kyle’s mom kept asking me why we couldn’t take Kyle. I told her I said we could, but Nissa wasn’t sure we’d make it. I’m somewhat over it, but that just is another reminder how much people out here don’t know me. So we did make it to the wake, and Sarah was really glad to see us. She started crying when we got there. We met her various relatives and some of her high school friends. If I heard “Sarah’s so much better since you arrived” once from her family, I must have heard it a million times. That made me feel good though, to know that we did make a difference. She’s back now which is good and she seems to be returning to her normal self. I know she’ll have good days and she’ll have bad days, but life will continue.

Nitta arrived on the train on Friday and I drove to Buffalo to pick her up. I was so excited to see her. She is such a connection to home and I really miss that at times. We stayed in Friday night because Jenn told me the townhouse party was crowded and the usual crowd was not really there. We ended up playing “Never Have I Ever” with my roomie and having a really good time. Saturday I had rehearsal at 10am, although due to scheduling of pieces, I didn’t have to be there until 11am. So Nitta and I had time to eat breakfast. Rehearsal was long and annoying but eventually ended. Scary thing – the Adams piece, which is very difficult, went off nearly perfectly. It was scary how well we played it. It really had me worried. For those who don’t understand why – Dress Rehearsals should go badly. The worst the last dress, the better the performance. I don’t know why, but it happens. So when dress rehearsals go off without a hitch, it makes me nervous. Yes, I’m foreshadowing. My parents arrived sometime in the afternoon and I was so happy to see them. I got to show them my room and they met my roomie and suitemates. We ate at Wing City Grill and had a ton of fun. They went back to their hotel for some downtime while I took a shower and got ready for the concert. The concert went off really well. Until the Adams. The conductor, Rudge, missed a measure. I’m not even sure what excatly he conducted. But it wasn’t what he was supposed to conduct and just about everyone got lost. I think one clarinetist and the percussion kept going. I don’t know if they were right, but they got everyone back on track, so they basically saved the piece. My parents said they didn’t notice. Its that kind of piece that unless you know what its supposed to sound like, it doesn’t matter. Nitta could tell the difference because she’d been at the dress that day. It was kind of amusing afterwards because everyone was talking about what happened. I don’t know if Rudge will admit to it or anything, but we’ll see what happens Weds in orchestra.

Saturday night after the concert, Mom and Dad went back to the hotel and Nitta and I went back to the dorm. Eventually, after a massive beer run, we went to the townhouses. Nitta was completely exhausted, but she wanted to go out for a little while. We were going to leave around 12:30, but when I checked on her, she was in a deep conversation with Mitch and having the time of her life. She knew she’d be tired the next day, but she was really enjoying herself too much. I really was too, so I was glad she didn’t want to leave. If she had wanted to go, I definitly would have gone with her. We had breakfast at Bob Evans with their over-excited waitstaff before my parents and Nitta left. I went back to my room and ended up taking a 4 hour nap. I had quintet rehearsal at 5:30.

Oh, did I mention my oboe cracked? Saturday night before the orchestra concert, the oboe section was comparing and talking about our oboes and such. I happened to look down and saw this huge crack in the side of my top joint. My heart stopped and I almost started crying. My baby is 11 years old, so she’s far from being broken in. Tiff looked at it Sunday night and said she thinks its only a surface crack, but its really big. She (or I – long story) are taking it to Cleveland on Saturday to a guy who might be able to fix it. The usual repair company (Midwest) told Tiff (who also has a cracked oboe) that it would take 4-6 weeks to get it fixed. They have suspended their rush option because so many oboes have cracked this year. It is just a horrible year for oboes and not just here at school. So hopefully this guy in Cleveland will be able to help me out. My baby! It makes me want to cry. And I have another concert tomorrow night. Doc loaned me the school Fox plastic P.O.S. but I sound like pure shit on it. So Heather is allowing me to use her Loree for the concert. After that I’ll probably keep using the Fox, but for the concert, its better.

And there is now suite drama. Yesterday, I had work to do because I lost some papers on my desk and I really needed to find them. I also needed to figure out how to contact that guy and sort out everything else that I needed to do. I had stuck a movie, Count of Monte Cristo in to “listen to” and shut my door. Let me explain something. When my door is open, I don’t mind people coming in and hanging out or talking to me. But when that door is shut, I really don’t want people barging in. My door being shut usually means I want to be left alone or at least have warning before someone walks in. You can knock on the door, IM me or call my cell and I’ll tell you if you can “come over.” I was in the middle of working and watching my movie and Jenn suddenly pushes my door open as she’s laughing hysterically and yells at Dana to go into our room. It pissed me off, so I reached over and slammed the door. So I got back to my quiet and to my work. When my movie ended, I went out into the hall. Jenn and Mel’s door was open and so I walked half in and said I needed another movie to watch. Jenn turned and snapped at me, “Why so you can slam the door in our faces again? Dana was being funny and I thought you’d like to see.” I was half surprised at her bitterness, but I realize she did have a point. I answered “Well, I didn’t,” turned heel and walked back into my room.

OK – maybe I overreacted, but Dana has been getting on my nerves lately.She and Brooke are so damn loud!!! Its 2am and they are screaming and laughing. On the weekends, I try not to let it bother me so much, but this happens during the week. And I was working and I still had a lot of work to do. Sometimes my suitemates really can be THAT immature. I try not to act like I’m two years older, but let’s face it. I am two years older and sometimes I feel like they act like children. I don’t really care if they are acting like children, but I don’t have to always be involved.

So now evidently, Mel is pissed at me. And even Jenn is getting on my nerves a little. She and I did talk and “make up,” but she told me that Mel was still mad and in some weird funk. Everyone has been pissing Mel off lately. She seems to run hot and cold to me. I never know what kind of mood I’m going to catch her in. Sometimes she really nice and wonderful and other times she’s cold and harsh. But Jenn is the same way. I look at Jenn and I see a younger me. I see a twenty-year-old me. Sometimes that is a good thing because I understand her and other times its annoying because she’s making the same mistakes I made. I know I can’t tell her how to fix everything because she’s got to do that on her own, but sometimes…. It doesn’t hit me a lot, but sometimes I can’t help wishing for more people who are my age and who get me. Tiff is probably more like that in the sense that she is way more mature, but is still a lot of fun. Jenn and I also get annoyed with Mel because she won’t come right out and tell me what’s bothering her about me. Jenn mentioned to me that Mel was sending her iPod into Apple (just like me) to get it fixed. Apple uses DHL courier and the closest drop-off is about an hour away. I need to go drop mine off, but I thought I’d offer to wait and take Mel’s with me. I heard her in the hall this evening, so I ran out to ask her if she wanted me to wait. She was rather snotty to me that she would take hers to the post office. I said I was pretty sure Apple used DHL or else you had to pay for it. She snipped that she had to pay for it anyways and her shipping package wouldn’t come for a week. My shipping box took 2 business days to get here. I even offered to wait and see if she needed to take hers to DHL anyways. But she snipped a negative answer. Honestly, I was trying to be nice and do something for her, to help her out. Even if she didn’t want my help, she didn’t have to be so bitchy about it. I don’t know what the fuck her problem is, but if she can’t come talk to me about it, next year is going to be interesting.

A part of me thinks that its not just Mel. Everyone is getting that Spring Semester itchiness. January to Spring Break is a long ass haul with no break. The whole campus seems to be bitchy and whiney and antsy to get going. Mason is full of stress heads because sight-singing exams are this week. There are concerts and mid-terms and people are just starting to go a little crazy. I know I definitly am. I really need a good cry. Or something. I really wish someone could really understand me and what the hell is going on in my head. I had thought about going home this weekend, but now with the Cleveland trip, I probably won’t. And the following weekend is St. Patty’s Day and then next weekend Spring Break starts. But the lonliness is starting to get to me. I feel like I start to belong to a group and then something happens and I feel like I’m being shut out. Its annoying and frustrating. I really need a good cry and probably a good fuck. That would help things, if not make them all better.

I hate being ignored and I hate being treated like I’m a baby or a bitch or a “lesser person.” At times I feel like I’m smart and doing fine and then other times (like when my oboe cracked) I feel like an absolute moron who should go back to answering phones. I know its bullshit, but its whats going on in my head. I need someone to be mine. Nitta came out here and for the weekend, she was mine. But she’s not here all the time. I just want to scream and pull my hair out or do something, cause if I don’t I’m gonna go insane!

I’m tired of feeling like shit and unhappy. Cause I’m not completely unhappy. But I’m not my usual happy self. Ok, thats not true. But I’m not in a good enough place to deal with people and their issues. I have my own issues. And outside of that, I’m trying to get this semester to work. I’m trying to get back on track. While my maturity level is sometimes higher than those around me, my schooling level is below them and I have a lot of musical catch-up to do. I want something to be happy about. Cause I’m running out of little things to be happy about and I can’t take on other people’s problems. Maybe that’s selfish to some, but to me – that’s survival.

Complicate this world you wrapped for me
I’m acquainted with your suffering

And all your weight, it falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight, it falls on me
It falls on me

Hold me up to those whom you decieved
Promises you break, you still believe

And all your weight, it falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight, it brings me down
It brings me down

And all your weight, it falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight, it falls on me
It falls on me

And all your weight, it falls on me
It brings me down
And all your weight, it falls on me
It falls on me

Heavy ~ Collective Soul