how i’ll make it happen i’m not certain

I am incredibly frustrated. The people I talk most to are my cat and Megan in AZ. I don’t feel like I have friends here. Oh yes, I have acquaintances and people I know.  But real true close friends.  I’ve often described my relationships with people in terms of circles.  Specifically a house in the middle of a garden filled with walls.  Like a labyrinth.  Manny somehow managed to smash and crash his way through to the house and is allowed inside.  Newfie somehow found the secret tunnel to the house, but has been locked outside and is no longer allowed in.  James hangs out on the porch, coming and going as he likes.  Megan has her own wing in the house.  Some people can see the top of the roof, while others have gotten close enough to glimpse inside the windows.  I feel like absolutely no one here even knows the house exists.

Perhaps that my fault, because I opened the gates wide my first week here.  I told the small group about my bipolarism and a lot of the history others have had to break through on their own.  I feel like I bulldozed through many of my own walls to try and reach people, but not a single person walked down that path.  The fault that does lie with me is that I did not leave my house and go to them.  I merely sat inside and waited for them to come to me.  I cannot force people into being my friend.  I’m just not like that.  But I’m also not used to it being this hard in general.  I was talking with my mom about how the oboe studio seemed to have more community than this place.

This place that talks so much about community doesn’t really know how to make it.  I think that is really because you can’t force community.  It happens naturally or it doesn’t happen.  The oboe studio is put into circumstances where we are constantly interacting under immense stress and pressures.  Every single oboe major as at one time or another spent time crying in the reed room.  Whether it was over broken reeds, bad auditions or annoying directors, we’ve all done it.  There is a lot of raw emotion which leads to a sense of community.  We’ve all been there.  We’ve all done it.  No one else can really understand it except someone who has gone through it.  And so some kind of sorority and community is created.  One that no one else could really be part of.

There was another level though too.  I had people who would "do things."  It didn’t matter what.  Come over for a movie.  Go to church.  Go to concerts or recitals.  Come over for no good reason, just cause.  We just did stuff.  People here have their own lives, and I don’t begrudge them that.  They have jobs or families or other concerns.  My entire life revolved around music and being on campus when I was in Fredonia.  That doesn’t happen the same way out here.  Yes, the town/city is bigger and that can be great.  But there’s more to do and more other things to do.  In Fredonia, there wasn’t anything to do, but practice and study.  Even practicing was a more communal activity compared to studying here.  Reading, writing, researching – they are all solo acts and done alone.  With music, there is always communal acts.  Critiquing, making reeds, even practicing.

I don’t know how to change this.  I cannot change other people.  The only thing I have control over is me.  That was a huge lesson for me in therapy.  Relinquishing the control of other people and knowing that I can only control myself and my actions.  I’m trying to remember that and to not blame other people.  This is grad school.  This is how it is done.  This is what is expected.  I’m just completely not used to it all this way.  I don’t know how to function in this kind of environment.  On one hand, I was thriving.  I was meeting new people and getting to know them.  But I feel like I’m still meeting new people and still getting to know people.  I’m still an outsider.  I still don’t fit in anywhere or belong.  One semester.  That was all I needed in Fredonia.  One semester to stop feeling like the outsider.  Stop feeling like I was merely visiting.  Start feeling like I knew where things were and how to function, how to live.

I’m not going to give up.  I’m not going to give in.  At least I’m not ready for that yet.  And I know I always have that option.  I can always "go home" and start again.  Try something else.  I don’t have to stay here.  Which makes the staying here all the more easier.  I’m really hoping that things will change for the better once the actual semester picks up again.  But I can’t lay all my hopes on that.  I need to find a way, something to make me feel better.  The only thing I control is me.  And Rome wasn’t built in a day…

You don’t know it but I’ve made my mind up 
You’ll wind up in my arms 
First I have to break down your resistance to my charms 

Yes darling I know it won’t be easy 
But I won’t rest until I find a way 
Everybody knows that Rome wasn’t built in a day 

How I’ll make it happen I’m not certain 
I’m working on a plan 
And when I get it tight you’ll believe that I’m your man 

You don’t know it yet but you’ll surrender 
When I make my play 
But Rome wasn’t built in a day 

I’ll offer you protection 
Twenty-four hour love and affection 
But it’ll take time to make it right 

Just look at what the Pharaoh did 
When he built his pyramid 
Everybody knows that didn’t spring up over night 

There’ll be a celebration 
And a silver band will play 
But everybody knows that Rome wasn’t built in a day 
Rome wasn’t built in a day

Rome Wasn’t Built in A Day ~ Nick Lowe