hope this feeling lasts

Twelve in12

Reading
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Sentimental Education ~ Gustave Flaubert

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove

Bah! I’m leaving for Florida in like six hours. I’m really looking forward to the trip because I want to get my mind off The Guy. I need some distance, some perspective…some vodka. My 14-year-old cousin told me tonight that she figured out The Guy and I liked each other when she was visiting. He had come over after opera rehearsal and I made him dinner. We ended up playing music off our iPods for each other and at one point were both standing and looking at our iPods. My cousin looked up and commented that we were both standing the same way. She said our reactions were amusing, like we were happy we were similiar, but also scared of what that might entail.

She’s a smart cookie sometimes. She says that she thinks we’re both a little scared about getting hurt. This is SOOOOO the truth. With Mike, I got hurt, sure. But the cuts were only as deep as I let him in. I knew, somewhere in my heart, he and I were never going to last, so I never let him in all that far. He also just never understood certain things about me that The Guy really gets. You can’t connect with someone who doesn’t understand you. At least not that completely.

But I am terrified of getting hurt. Manny hurt me, but I hurt him too. That was a very unique situation. Tim devastated me. I’m talking napalm devastation. I would have married that boy and followed him to the ends of the earth. In my perfect 20/20 vision, I can now look back and realize that would have been a bad decision and a mistake. But that doesn’t mean the napalm didn’t go boom. There was still devastation. I’ve rebuilt a lot since that time. I’ve worked hard to become independent and free.

I wonder if that was one of the problems Manny and I faced. He wanted to take care of me and support me and protect me, just like Tim had. But I was still suffering the aftershocks of that relationship and that type of dependency. I couldn’t risk everything again. There needs to be space between relationships like that. There needs to be mourning, coping and rebuilding before you can let someone else in. I never really had that time between Tim and Danny and Manny. It was all too fast, too sudden.

I fear that The Guy is in that position. He is still suffering aftershocks of his last relationships. But I don’t know. Megan is right when she says the best way to get over someone is to fall for someone else. There is a truth to that statement.

I could go for this. I could charge forward into this relationship and see what happens. I mean, whats the worst that could happen? It was easy to tell Phil this summer that I liked him. It was easy to push ahead with that because I had really nothing to lose. And in all honesty, I gained a friend and a good co-worker. The same happened with Settle in high school. So why am I running so scared right now?

I’m afraid he will actually say yes. I’m afraid he does like me, and this will become a thing. I’m afraid of being that happy, that much in love. Because if he makes me that happy, that safe – Imagine the devastation. Napalm would be a walk in the park.

I know, I know – Great achievement involves great risk. You have to risk everything to gain everything. Isn’t everything worth having? I should be willing to jump and go and try. But I see two ends to that storyline. Ultimate happiness or ultimate destruction. Devastatingly beautiful either way, but still devastating.

Is it worth it? The image of us dancing on our wedding day that’s been drifting in and out of my thoughts – could that really happen? Could I really ever be that lucky? He makes me feel like home. I miss him so much right now because he makes me feel like home. Could this really happen?

I’ve been listening to A Praire Home Companion and Randy Newman sang this live on the show, with just piano. He’s an amazing musician – Think Gershwin and Berlin. The first time I heard it, I started crying. I saw myself in a wedding gown dancing with The Guy to this song. I also saw another me, surrounded by girlfriends trying to comfort me. I feel like no matter where I go from here, he’s going to break my heart. And it will be devastatingly beautiful.

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms

There’s something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how low I’ve felt for so long
If you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

A window breaks
Down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright ’cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see
Through the dark there’s a light

If you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought I’d love anyone so much

Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back
Where I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

Feels Like Home ~ Randy Newman