Go to your room and stay there!

Yah, alright two entires within five hours.  I need to remember this feeling though.  The part were I realize I’m acting like a crazy person and putting fears and faults on him that he doesn’t deserve.

I was talking with one of the guests last night.  He was drunk, recently divorced and mad at his brother for cheating on his girlfriend, which is why he was talking to me at five in the morning instead of sleeping.  We went outside for a cigarette and I admitted to him I thought Mike was currently sleeping with his ex.  I didn’t get into all the details of who and why and what, but I said something along the lines of "I think the guy I’m trying to work things out with is sleeping with his ex-girlfriend."

His response was pretty immediate and sincere.  "Then why are you trying to work things out?  If you have doubts now, they will only grow."  It was a very outsider, objective opinion but one I’ve heard before from Megan.  I was trying to sort out if Mike was actually with Ann when we slept together in February.  I hadn’t yet talked to Mike and was just assuming a lot of things from other sources and my past experiences.  Megan told me that if I was having doubts, I needed to get away from Mike.  This was all before the huge bomb-shell of last week.

But I feel like I’m back on square one a little.  He never wanted to be committed.  He always had a good reason for us not to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend.  He always had a logical explanation for not trying to be exclusive and committed.  And for back then, I honestly don’t see a lot of fault in his reasonings.  In fact, we were exclusive for almost three years without saying it.  But because of that ‘not saying it’ part of the conversation, I always wondered.  I never wanted to pry into his life and issues, because I hated it when Manny did it to me.  I’ll share when I’m good and ready – leave me alone until then.  Except he never shared.  And I was often left wondering what he was doing.

The only reason I’m confidant we were exclusive those three years is that his friends told me.  His friends who had nothing to gain, and who didn’t know each other either.  I can’t remember the guy’s name but the guy who went on the two week road-trip around the country with him after spending a number of months in New Orleans together.  He told me that whole time girls were nearly throwing themselves at Mike, and he never went for it.  We were not exclusive, but we were.

Still…

He doesn’t want to be exclusive and then has a meeting with his ex-girlfriend and then doesn’t answer his phone.  What am I supposed to think?

I need to trust him.  Thats the bottom line.  Megan has said it more than once, although I only remember every tenth time or so.  Either I trust him or I don’t.  When he tells me he hasn’t slept with anyone, I can’t always prove it.  And I can’t live my life trying to prove or disprove it.  Either I trust him or I don’t.

What the drunk guest didn’t understand last night is that I know the trust issue has more to do with me than Mike.  Even when I told him that, he said that I needed to trust my gut.  The problem is my gut has been wrong.  And you can’t always trust the heart.  Sometimes you need to look at logic and consider Occam’s razor.  Then, there is still a moment of faith.  Either you trust or you don’t.  When my heart is the only thing shivering in fear, but my gut and my head are trying to scream down its terrors…  Its still a choice.  To trust or not to trust.

The only way for me to build on the trust that is already there is to keep talking to him.  Tell him when I really need to talk, like today how freaked I was about the job.  And not just leave "Hi, how are you, miss you" messages every 8 hours on his phone.  Because once I sent that text he called.  And calmed me down.

But once I was calm explained he needed to get in the shower and go grocery shopping.  He alluded to the hell of a day he had yesterday, and said that’s why he didn’t answer when I called.  He was exhausted and clicked off his phone when it rang.  Which I believe because I’ve seen him do it.  I didn’t even ask.  He supplied that information without any provocation.  I said I felt bad he had a bad day and didn’t mean to freak out all over him about my job.  He said it was absolutely okay and he was glad I had texted.  He did want to tell me about his day, but just not right then.  I screwed up my courage and mentioned his meeting with Ann.  He laughed this hollow, hurt laugh and said that was part of the hell.  And he did want to talk to me about it but later.

All I did was mention the meeting and he offered all that.  All I did was tell him I needed him and he was there the best he could be.

I need to trust him.  Not because his words demand it (which he doesn’t say), but because his actions prove it.  I need to stop thinking the worst of the male race and accept that maybe I could be happy for once.

I talked with James for an hour today and man, did that feel good!  I talked a little about Mike and how freaked out I’ve been.  James said (without prompting) that he truly thinks I’m afraid to be happy.  I said I wasn’t afraid of the happiness, I was afraid of the other shoe dropping.  And he repeated, "No, seriously.  I think you’re afraid of being happy.  Its going to be okay."

I don’t know how Mike feels about me talking about us to my friends.  I don’t share everything.  And with the close friends, I don’t need to.  James and I spent probably ten minutes at most talking about Mike.  But he was already seeing the heart of the issue and understanding why I called him for advice.

My friends are my checks and balances.  They are a part of how I know I’m not losing my mind.  They are a part of how I know I can trust my emotions and decisions.  The ultimate decision is still mine and will always be.  But its my process.  And its a big huge help.  Hearing different people, very different friends (David, Megan, James) all tell me I’m just afraid of being happy… It makes me able to acknowledge that they are probably right.  They help me lock up the 14-year-old frightened teenager where she belongs in the past and shout down the unreasonable fears that threaten to drown out the truth.

I never knew trust could be so damn hard!