Glacier-like love
I’ve been slowly trying to wrap my head around so many things lately. Do I leave Michigan or stay? Do I want to try with Mike? Why am I so afraid? Was I always afraid? Will I always be afraid? When is the risk worth it? I mean, really worth it? Its a risk, so there’s always a chance of things not going as planned. I get that its not a sure thing; its a risk. But still. There’s a weighing of pros and cons; balance of risk verses reward. Basic financial investment comparison concepts. Some risks are not worth it. Some risks are easy. And some take you beyond your wildest imaginations. So what are the risks I’m ready to take?
I’m moving back to NY. That is no longer just a possibility or an idea for the future, its a soon and very soon. I’m job hunting and resume floating and trying to place a timeline together. I will not move without a job. Without a job, I’ll be stuck living God knows where for God knows how long. With a job I can say "Two weeks till I find my own place" or "Six months of a roommate before we evaluate." Whatever. I’m job hunting. I’m also thinking about the inevitable "how soon can you start" which for me translates into "how soon can I leave my responsibilities here?" I am committed to October. I have things I am committed to seeing through and I will not shirk those duties. And I could easily be committed through December. But this is also not a bomb I’m willing to drop on my current jobs a week before I leave. I want them to both have some time. How much time I don’t exactly know. I’m just not there yet.
But I do not want to stay here, so I need to stop trapping myself here. I need to do the brave thing and step forward. This is not my ‘secret plan’ to get out of Michigan that I’ve earlier referred to, and that plan may yet come to pass. That I do not yet know. And that’s okay.
Now Mike. That is a risk of a different color. Has it impacted my decision to move home? Yes, in a very strong way, it has. To say otherwise would be utter denial. But he is not my reason for moving home.
Except a part of me maybe wishes he was.
I said something to him about how I’ve always felt convenient to him. I was single, he was single; we had a good time and so we fell into… whatever. And as soon as it wasn’t so convenient, we’d drift apart. Until it was convenient again. I guess a part of me wants him to want me even though its not convenient; despite the distance and the time and everything. He talked about how easy things are with us, and I know he was referring to the ease of our friendship and conversation and comfortability. And I do not diminish that or think it unimportant. But he still made me feel like… just happenstance. I happen to be standing right outside his door when he started looking for a wife, so why not?
But I don’t know if that’s really what I want. "Oh, you’ll do. You don’t drive me insane so we could give it a whirl." It makes me feel like a consolation prize. I don’t need epic, mountain-breaking, movie-making kind of love. I don’t want that! I want deep river; strong steady ocean current kind of love. Glacier-like love. Huge and incredibly strong, but steady in its strength and deep in its assuredness. This is not love that strikes like lightening. This is a love that starts with a spark, to be sure, then slowly builds into a deep bed of white hot coals that takes forever to go out.