get a little anxious

I woke up this morning with a migraine and skipped my classes. I didn’t get out of bed until almost two. I watched some TV and ate some food. By mistake, I turned to a news channel and caught sight of the breaking news and the shootings in Virginia. Gunman walks into a classroom at VA Tech and opens fire. I flashbacked hard. I was home sick on the day the shootings in Columbine happened. It was devastating and horrific. I was scared. It was in Colorado, but if it happened there, what was to stop it from happening in my school? I was really scared. I returned to the news broadcast on the TV and focused on the reporter. They are calling it the worst shooting in American history. They have cell phone footage and interviews with various people. I kept watching the news trying to make all of it real in my mind, trying to find some reason or explanation for it all. Sadly we may never fully understand what happened or why. I ended up being late for my 4pm class. I parked my car and walked into the music building, only to flashback, harder this time. I was walking through my high school hallways after being told my name was on a hit list and the police were taking it as a credible and serious threat. Every person was a possible suspect; someone who could possibly want me dead. I had no idea what to think or what to believe. I was just terrified. This is what paranoia must feel like. I made it to my class and was able to focus enough to get through to the end.

I didn’t know anyone in Columbine who was killed and, as far as I know, I don’t know anyone at VA Tech. The hell I went through the few days after Columbine had nothing to do with those shootings. But I was terrified nontheless. The full-blown flashbacks today completely caught me off-guard. I needed to talk through them. I needed someone to be there for me. Sarah and I were walking back to the reed room and I was trying to explain to her what was wrong. She told me she didn’t understand how something that happened 8 years ago and didn’t even happen to me could still be such an issue for me. She thought it was stupid and I was acting dumb. I told her it might not affect her, but it affected me and it bothered me. And she reiterated that I was just being dumb and should just get over it.

I was so mad. This is the second time I’ve needed her to listen and just provide sympathy and she couldn’t handle it. We were going to go to Starbucks, but after she called me stupid I told her I didn’t want to go with her. I stalked down the hallway, tunnel-vision, and kicked the door to the stairs open. I didn’t realize how hard I had kicked it until it occured to me how fast it bounced back from the wall. I also barely noticed the two people on the stairs, frozen in surprise. I think one of them might have had their hand on the door when I kicked it, but I don’t know. I was so mad; all I wanted was to get away from Sarah and away from everything. I wish I could find out who those people were and if they are ok and apologize, but I really don’t know who they are. I don’t know if they know who I am or if they will even mention it to me or not. I stalked down the stairs and just started walking. I thought about going to Starbucks, but I didn’t want to, in case Sarah decided to go there as well. I called Manny and started walking in the opposite direction. I contemplated going home, but I have class at 6 and I actually did want to go. Thankfully, Manny was able to talk to me and help calm me down. I stalked around the circle road, which goes out to the far parking lots and then back the other side of campus. I ended up walking the whole circle, which took about 30 minutes, while talking with Manny. Did I mention it was raining and freezing cold? I was so mad that I didn’t notice and when I finally did notice, I was too far from any buildings to get inside. I just had to finish the circle. Its amazing how well Manny does know me and how great he can be in situations like this. He was able to calm me down and remind me to breathe. He even made me laugh and get some things off my chest. He’s kind of the buffer between the world and me, protecting the world from me more than vice versa. He allows me to kick and scream, release the anger and tension before dealing with the world.

He was great for helping me calm my anger against Sarah, but he couldn’t help as much with the flashbacks. This is actually something that happened before Manny. I was trying to figure out who to call and I realized there is really only one person who knew what I went through back then, Patrick. I haven’t talked to Patrick since 10th grade and I don’t even know how to find him. These flashbacks are something I’m gonna have to deal with on my own. Especially since Sarah can’t think outside of herself for more than two seconds. It seriously amazes me how she can’t be there for me. EVER. I don’t need her to fix it. I don’t even need her to offer advice. I just need her to listen and physically be there.

We were going to go to the White Inn tonight for a drink and I was going to say something to her about everything. That was the plan. I was going to say something to her about it last week when we both got pissed at each other about the whole rehearsal thing. But I decided she had enough to deal with at the moment. I would wait until after her recital. And I was fine with that. I wasn’t angry until she called me stupid. Now I’m angry. I’m mad at her. I’m stressed out too. I’ve got shit going on just the same way everyone else does. I’m not trying to say my problems are worse than anyone else or that my schedule is busier than anyone else. I’m just saying that I’d like a little bit of sympathy. I’d like a shoulder to cry on for a moment. I’ve been her shoulder, I’ve been there for her. Is it so much to ask that she do the same for me? To top it off, the situation made me lose my temper. I’m not saying its Sarah’s fault; I should be in control of myself, but I don’t like losing control like that. I don’t like losing my temper and getting tunnel vision. I hate that feeling and I don’t want to put myself into positions where I feel like that.

She didn’t end up going to the White Inn, although I asked her after class. My roomie was going to come, but her boyfriend came down to surprise her and took her out to dinner. I called Marcie, but this is the last day of tax season and she’s completely exhausted. So I went by myself. Seeing Dustin was so much fun. I’ve forgotten how much I love sitting at the bar just bullshitting with him and watching him BS the customers. He really is an amazing barkeep. I was only planning on staying a couple hours, leaving by midnight at the latest. The best laid plans though. I helped Dustin close the bar and we walked out together. It was a great ending to a shitty day. I’m still pissed at Sarah, but hopefully I will get a chance to talk to her and deal with everything. The longer I go without being able to tell her these things, the longer they will simmer. Manny knows how much of a bad idea the simmering anger is, so hopefully she’ll be able to be there for me.

I’m not sure of
Anyone, Anyone
But I’ve got plans
I’m not asking
For everything
But sure I could
Use a hand

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you’ll be gone
And I’llbe left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it’ll be my turn
And I’ll forget my lines
Get a little lossler
And some staring from
The corner of my eye
Never really mastered
The cintris

I can’t see how
The way you leave me alone
Makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won’t ask you
To give up on the things
That seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you’re not here
When I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won’t talk
But we’re not fighting
You hold onto your secrets
And I’m not privy
To what is on your mind
I can’t help but feel tired
So tired
So tired

Anyone, Anyone ~ Dashboard Confessional