Freedom an encumbrance

"For you, freedom is an encumbrance." ~ Pastor Darrin

I met with my pastor this morning.  I’m not yet ready to tell my employer pastor about my thoughts about moving to NY, but I wanted to talk to my pastoral pastor about it all.  Since they are the same person with an amazing gift of being each separately yet not all at the same time, its all okay.

We talked about NY and Michigan and jobs and Mike and Manny and my fear of both leaving and of staying.  The root of my fear is that I am not doing what I am called to do.  That by staying I am burying my head in the sand, where things are good and easy and not terribly difficult anymore – taking the easy road out.  Or that by going to New York I’m going for the wrong reasons – selfish and sinful reasons.  And the danger of being so tunnel-vision about ‘leaving Michigan for New York’ I’ll miss opportunities and truths and even bigger and better things.

While I still am cautious in pursuing going to New York, I don’t believe my reasons and intentions are sinful or selfish.  Like anything, there is a possibility for that to happen, but that doesn’t mean they are completely wrong at their core.  It was also good to receive affirmation that place does matter.  Land does have an impact on people.  I told him about how I felt my whole body suddenly humming in tune when I crossed the PA/NY border on my way home.  It sounds even too New Age-y in my own ears.  Still he said that he does believe land has an impact.  Its not something to be completely ignored.

Even so, I no longer feel called to stay or go as I have in the past.  I have the freedom to choose what I will.  I worry that God’s silence is an attempt to teach me… something I don’t yet know – patience, discernment, trust, whatever.  But Darrin pointed out that regardless of where I go or stay, I can be true to God’s first calling.  God is first calling his people back to him, calling them to closer communion with him.  Its this intangible balance of free will vs. predestination.  God knows what I’m going to choose and where I’ll go and how I’ll end up.  Still he gives me the freedom to make the choices.  He doesn’t always ‘tell me the future.’  Sometimes God is silent on those matters.

I think about it like this.  God knows what I’m going to eat for dinner tonight. He knew what I was going to eat for dinner years ago before I was even born.  Its the all-knowing, outside-of-time-ness of God.  Even though he knows what I will eat, he does not tell me or direct me to buy this or that.  I get to make the choice and live the with consequences.

The point of this is that God isn’t directing me to New York or Michigan and neither choice is purely good or bad.  Except I can’t seem to make the choice!  I want to do what God wants me to do.  The pastor pointed out I can do that action, seeking God’s will for my life, anywhere.  I have the freedom to choose.

Except I do not want to choose.  That is more scary to me than moving to Iraq.  Hence….

"For you, freedom is an encumbrance."