freaked out and fucked up

I developed some pictures today from old disposable cameras I found in my room. They were both expired, but I figured I could at least try and see what I would find. I didn’t even know what pictures would be on the cameras to begin with. The photo place couldn’t develope all the picutres, but it wasn’t a total loss. I did get some good pictures of Nita from one of the Random Room nights. There are also two or three pictures from Settle’s surprise party. So now I have a slightly more updated picture of my boys. There is also a picture of Manny and MannyBear from the day I left for Florida last year. Manny’s eyes are closed, and unfortunately that picture will always be a small reminder that my grandfather had just died. I want to get another one of Manny and MannyBear at some point.

The most shocking picture was this one of Tim. He’s sitting in his car, looking at the photographer in the passenger seat. It looks like we are in the parking lot at RCK. He and I spent so much time sitting or driving in his car, that picture brought back a flood of memories and heartaches. It really, really caught me off guard. I miss him like crazy. I realize now how much I loved being his girlfriend. He was a great guy and good boyfriend (except for the whole breaking up period.) I’ve never thought of myself like this, not with Mike or even Manny, but I loved belonging to Tim. Its not that I ever lost my identity or self while I was with him, but I was his girlfriend. I liked being his girlfriend probably more than I liked him being my boyfriend. It was a ownership issue, but not really controlling ownership. I don’t know how to explain it. But I’ve never had that feeling with anyone else, before that or since then. I’m still angry that he left. I’m angry that we broke up and he married some girl. I feel like I have too many unresolved issues, too many unanswered questions. But I know I won’t be able to get the closure the way I want to. He and I don’t talk or even see each other ever, so how am I expected to get my answers. I have to learn to move on without those answers from him. Generally, I’m pretty good about the whole thing. But I think the picture just really caught me off guard and knocked me off my balance.

There’s tight turns and roadblocks and rivers to cross
Dead ends and dirt roads and miles to walk
Dark clouds and blue skies and rain in between
Laughter and silence, days to just dream

When everything goes wrong and nothing goes right,
Call it what you want, I call it my life

I’m changin’ like the seasons
Another color and another day
Just when I feel like leavin’
I hit my knees and I start to pray
Maybe I’m only dreaming
That everything’s gonna be okay
I don’t need no rhyme or reason,
I’m gonna make it up along the way

I’ve been uptown and downtown, caught up and passed
Wasted like money and kicked in the ass
Washed up and burned out and sent to the sea
Sunken and stranded, alone with just me

When everything goes wrong and nothing goes right,
Call it what you want, I call it my life.

I’m changin’ like the seasons
Another color and another day
Just when I feel like leavin’
I hit my knees and I start to pray
Maybe I’m only dreaming
That everything’s gonna be okay
I don’t need no rhyme or reason,
I’m gonna make it up along the way

Freaked out and fucked up and thrown out like trash
Kissed off and worn out, but I keep coming back
I’m wicked; I’m wild like nothin’ you’ve seen
I’m thrillin’ I’m chillin, you know what I mean?

When everything goes wrong and nothing goes right,
Call it what you want, I call it my life.

I’m changin’ like the seasons
Another color and another day
Just when I feel like leavin’
I hit my knees and I start to pray
Maybe I’m only dreaming
That everything’s gonna be okay
I don’t need no rhyme or reason,
I’m gonna make it up along the way
I call it my life, call it what you want.

Call It My Life – Sarah Hudson