forgetting all the hurt inside

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn

Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany

Date:Monday, November 26, 2007Time:1:32 amMood Level:DepressedSeverity:Severe (significant impact, unable to work)Anxiety:1=MildIrritability:2=ModerateHours Slept:7 HoursMedication: Huh.

I was going to write something profound. But I don’t really want to. School has started up again from the vacation, but all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die. The depression is back. Oh, joy. I think I would deal so much better with it when I didn’t know it would come back. This will never go away. Depression will always be a part of my life, a part of who I am. I’m not sure its fair for me to ask anyone to step into this world. Its like Alice in Wonderland with a Chesire Cat and all. How far down does the rabbit hole go? I’m tired of Manny. I’m tired of him thinking I use him as a crutch. I’m tired of Mike. I’m tired of waiting on him. I don’t really blame either of them. They are who they are. And I love them. But I want to be over them. I want to move on and past them.

I picked up Rob from the bus station this evening and we were talking. He said he doesn’t really believe in getting over them. He said he thinks about all his serious relationships and he’s not really over them. He still loves them and cares about them. I agree with him. Of all the boys/men I’ve loved, I’ve never stopped loving any of them. The wounds never completey fade or heal; you just learn to breath around the hole. You learn how to live around the pain. But you don’t get over it. He said that should one of those girls step back into his life, he believes he would take them back in an instant. I understand that. Because I feel that way about Tim. If he presented himself in my life, I can’t definitly say that I wouldn’t take him back. I don’t know what I would do.

I was rereading all these old scraps of paper I’ve kept over the years. They are from high school and community college and just random stuff I scribbled on and never threw out. Forever and a year ago, Russ told me he didn’t think Manny and I could ever be just friends because we loved each other too much. He said you couldn’t backpedal from that. I only half believed it then, but I’m starting to think its true. I can’t heal, I can’t get beyond Manny because he’s still here. In my life. I want to move forward with my life and I want him to become part of past, not be a part of my present or future. I want to figure out how to make the scab and learn to breath around the pain. Manny got all the way into my house, got through all those brick walls. He made the decision that he didn’t want to be one of those people for me anymore. He doesn’t want to be my crutch. So I want him out. I want to patch up the holes and secret entrances he’s made and leave him in the past. I want to find his picture in a box somewhere and think fondly of that guy I dated, that guy who was part of my life so long ago.

I just want to stop hurting. I just want to find my happiness again. Cause I lost it and I don’t know where it went, or how to get it back.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shared what I made

I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are

Leave Out All The Rest ~ Linkin Park