forgetting all the hurt inside

A Story of A Girl and Her "Friend"
 
My senior year of high school, my band teacher was arrested for sleeping with students.  It had been going on for years.  That particular year he was sleeping with a junior named A.  A was best friends with Heather, another junior, at the time.  H and I became close over the following two years as our teacher was arrested and prosecuted, all while A tried to defend him.  We were confused and hurt.  We leaned on each other for support as we tried to sort out our feelings.

On my 20th birthday, I had all four of my wisdom teeth pulled.  H was supposed to come over and watch movies with me while I recovered.  We had planned four days of lying in bed and just relaxing.  She never showed, and once I became lucid enough to drive I went to her house to figure out what happened.  There I was confronted with A and Heather and another girl, C.  They accused me of wishing I had been A.  Everything I had ever said to Heather about my feelings concerning the teacher and A, things I thought were said in confidence, was twisted and thrown back in my face. Everything I had said was manipulated to make me look like a horrible evil person as I faced down these three girls, while still riding the pain medications.  I tried to get Heather alone to talk to just her, but A and C refused to leave us be and so I eventually just left.  H had become my best friend and I trusted her.  I had been working through all my feelings concerning the situation, trying to forgive and move forward.  But she had completely betrayed me.  I was sick to my stomach with hurt and anger.

A few months later, Heather was home on Spring Break and we re-connected.  She apologized for what she said, but didn’t really explain why it had all happened.  She admitted that she might never really understand why she did it.  I missed her so much, and I forgave her.  My friend I thought I had lost was back.

Less than two weeks later we had another argument.  I had told Heather a secret and specifically asked her not to tell Manny.  We had a huge fight over it and again stopped talking.  It wasn’t until August that I found out she had told Manny.  The knife I thought had been removed from my back was only shoved deeper in.

Nearly two years went by before Heather and I attempted to "make up" again.  She had no answers for me as to why she did what she did.  She was sorry for it and admitted that perhaps she was wrong.  And so our "friendship" was pieced back together.  But we had both changed too much.  It wasn’t like getting back to an old friend; it was more akin to making a whole new friend, except this new friend knew most of your past already.  It has been the strangest relationship since then.  Not completely trusting, but wanting to trust.  Not completely honest, but wanting the truth.

This is something I struggle with constantly.  How do I forgive and forget someone who wounded me so deeply?  My father once told me that we need to forgive, but we should never forget.  He said he often tests his friends in the beginning of their relationship.  He tells them something that is a half-secret.  Something no one else would know, but something he won’t mind getting out if this person proves unreliable.  Then you wait.  If the half-secret makes it out into the light, you know you can’t trust the person.  If it remains a secret, you can start telling them more and more.  And I used to wonder where I got my cynicism from…

Over this past Christmas, Heather and I went through a rocky time.  She kept claiming she wanted to see me and wanted to hang out.  But over and over, she choose her boyfriend over me.  Eventually she explained that she thought I didn’t actually want her around.  The problem with her argument was that I was the one inviting her to my house.  My caveat was that I didn’t want her boyfriend there.  I had even offered to pick her up or arrange for a ride for her.  But she kept finding reasons why she couldn’t.  She said that her boyfriend told her I didn’t actually want her around.  I got so mad at him for saying it and her for believing him.  I’m past the age of those games.  If I didn’t want to see her, I wouldn’t have invited her over in the first place.  I wouldn’t have answered her calls.  I wouldn’t have called her at all or told her when I would be home.  Again, she took what I had said and twisted into a completely different meaning.

How do you trust someone who keeps doing that?

This past year has been tough on her, I know.  She went through a phase of calling or texting me all the time.  Eventually I just stopped answering, and its dwindled down quite a bit.  Now a couple of weeks will go by before I get a call or text or email from her.  I don’t really even know exactly what’s going on with her or her family anymore.  I want to forgive her.  I want to be able to reach out to her, because I know she’s hurting.  The last few contacts have been heart-wrenching.  But my back still hurts from the knife she left sticking out of it.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame of me.  Fool me three times, I was just asking for it.

How do you forgive and forget?  Or even just forgive and move forward?  I don’t know what she wants from me anymore and I don’t know how to help her anymore.

Why is all this coming up for me right now?  Because I’m sick with the fear of another betrayal.  Not from her, but from someone else who also got extremely close to me.  My stomach is in knots and I can’t sleep.  I don’t know everything that happened and I could be drastically wrong about it all.  I’m praying that I am, but this sinking feeling in my stomach tells me I’m not.

And I have no one here to talk to about it.  I know exactly who I will want to call tomorrow if it turns out to be true.  But Megan is thousands of miles away.  As much as I lean on her, I need someone here.  I need someone to grab my hand and tell me its going to be okay.  I need physical contact with someone other than my cat.

As I list through the people I do know in this town, I find there is no one I feel comfortable enough to call.  No one I feel close enough to, or even trust enough to be able to cry on their shoulder.  No one that I can call and say, "Please.  Just come be with me.  Sit next to me and occupy the same space as me for a time."  I have friends in this town and that I recognize.  But I don’t have friends.  

I’m still hoping to make those friends and I’m hoping this church job will help me do so.  But that will take time.  And it will take time to trust new people, especially in the light of a fresh betrayal.  Every betrayal brings back memories of past betrayals, and I am now being haunted by them all.
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I never thought I hit that place where I wouldn’t be able to make friends, wouldn’t be able to trust, wouldn’t be able to find someone to talk to.  I used to imagine that I was that untrusting, but I really wasn’t.  I liked people and I liked making friends and I somehow do so.  I look back at my life at community college and at the law firm and at Fredonia.  I opened up to people, really opened up to people.  Even people who aren’t a part of my life anymore.

But something snapped or shifted, and I can’t seem to figure it out.  But I don’t trust anymore.  And I don’t open up anymore.  Even those old friends, I’m keeping them out at arm’s length.

Specifically – Manny.  Right now, he is the person I want to call.  He is the person I wish I could talk to and reach out to.  Except I don’t think it will work anymore.  He used to be able to read me so well.  He used to be able to understand me.  But if anything, the last visit in April proved how much he doesn’t know me anymore.  James took one look at my face and knew how wrong everything was.  Manny was distracted by his best friend’s wedding and all the other hoop-la, I know.  But I spent a much longer time with Manny and he never saw it.  He never even glimpsed how bad it was.

Is this what is really bothering me?  That I’ve actually lost him?  Its been years of us trying to move past each other, past what we had and find something new.  Even when each of us had someone new, we still had a deeper connection to each other.  One that made us wander back towards each other.  I feel like that connection is finally broken, completely severed.  I thought I would feel free when that happened.  Instead, I’m left feeling more alone than I ever thought imaginable.

My link to Heather was destroyed a long time ago.  But I never missed it until now.  When I’ve lost my link to Manny as well.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I’m done here

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don’t be afraid
I’ve taken my beating
I’ve shed but I made

I’m strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I’ve never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you’re asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I’ve done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don’t resent me
And when you’re feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You’ve learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can’t be who you are
I can’t be who you are 

Leave Out All The Rest ~ Linkin Park