flawed part of my personality

There is such a thing as too much togetherness. Too much time spent with just one other person can drive anyone insane. I don’t think I’m overracting. I think I’m justified on some level. Especially when you get into an argument over something as ridiculous as a traffic light.

Let me set the scene for you.

Four-way intersection near my house, complete with turning lanes. I’m going west and I want to turn left (north). My light is red. The northsouth light is green. Its 2:26am. Kaba and I are sitting in my car waiting for the light.

Now I usually just blow this light if it doesn’t change. But I decide tonight, we’re gonna wait. Kaba doesn’t care, and we have nowhere important to be anyways. We decide to see how long its gonna take. The clock blinks 2:28am.

Two cars approach coming straight at us. They want to go straight. Probably 20 seconds after they pull up, the light changes and gives them a green light. Our light stays red. They pull through and the light changes back to green on northsouth.

The clock now says 2:30am. We’re in park, not going anywhere. Kaba starts telling me how her car always trips this light. She says my car is too big, its too wide and the switch didn’t get hit. I told her thats not the point. This light never switches when it should. My dad had the fire truck sitting at that light for about 5 mins and nothing changed. Its not so much that particular spot. Its just an ornery light. It never works correctly. Kaba kept saying that there was nothing wrong with the light. It must be my car.

First of all, I go through that light 4 – 6 times a day. When I was learning how to drive and in high school, I used to go through it way more, probably 10-12 times a day. And my parents are the same way. My parents have had this problem. When you go through a light around 30 times a week, you notice when things aren’t working right. Secondly, Kaba isn’t supposed to be driving. She drives to work, and she drives Nitta to work. That’s it. I have to go pick her up and bring her home. I have to drive when we go out to eat. I don’t mind driving, but I drive through that light all the time. She never does. And she has rarely stayed at my house until 2am and then driven herself home, because she didn’t have her car that long.

I know I’m overreacting. We’re spending too much time together. I love her dearly, I really do. But I need to spend some time away from her.

And this whole ordeal with Loren has gotten way way way out of hand. Kaba is being a bitch, Loren is being a bitch and they are both pissing me off to high heaven. I should call Loren and see if she still wants to talk to me, but I dunno. I kinda don’t even care that much. Kaba is kinda driving away all of our friends, and its slightly annoying. She and Nitta go between loving each other and not able to stand each other. She and Yaeger had that weird fight because of the dating thing and they never really completely made up. She and Loren aren’t talking now. Annemarie is somehow on Loren’s side, so I’m not sure whats going on with her excatly. I should just get over it and call them, but I’m lazy and I don’t feel like it. I’m busy right now with Synod on Saturday and everything this week.

I have nothing tonight, but I need to clean my room and do laundry because I am getting short on the clean clothes I have. Tomorrow is Vassar and I kinda don’t want to go….actually I really don’t want to go. Wednesday is the Matchbook concert (YEAH!) and Thursday is random room. Who knows about Friday. I think I might be babysitting. And Saturday is Synod. Then the week starts over.

I kinda need a vacation, but I don’t really want one. I just want everything to get caught up and stop racing. I’m bored and yet I have so many things I should be doing. I was listening to my CD player last night (Jeff Foxworthy) and I realized I haven’t listened to any of my CDs in ages upon ages. Made me sad cause I love my music. I have just been so busy. Arg. And my room is really a mess.

I’m hoping Mike will call tonight. He said he might. I dunno what to do about him either. On one hand I’d love to nail him down and make him committ. But on the other hand, I know it would be a bad idea. He doesn’t want that, and I’m not sure I really do either. I want a boyfriend who’s more local and around more. I don’t really care that he’s bouncing from ship to ship and job to job. We’re not getting married or having kids Thank God! so he can do what he wants. I just wish I could see him more often. Or that I felt like I was something more important to him than a piece of ass.

I’m pathetic I know. I always complain about the same thing, but I do nothing to change it. It’s the flawed part of my personality. It demands that as a failure, I need to sabotage any attempts as being successful. I’m not a success story. I’m sad and pathetic. I never realized how much potential I had my senior year of high school. The sky was the limit and I had a rocket ship. But something in me misfired and now I’m stuck at the launch site, tied down till the end of time.

God, I hate being like this.

sing to me
tell me something so typical
a lullaby or something miserable
that will keep me up at night

cross out my eyes
i know you planned it
you know i love you
and i cant stand
we just lost control
we just lost control

lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing
lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing

go lie to me
tell me stories so beautiful
an epic of something so terriable
that it makes me weep

cross out these things
on the calendar
it hurts me so much
and im not sure
if i care any more

lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing
lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth dying for
give me any, anything to keep me breathing

anything to keep me breathing

Your Stories, My Alibis ~ Matchbook Romance