fire’s a beautiful sound

This weekend was great. So relaxing and comforting and fun. Mike called around 8 and said his friend needed him so he would be up when everything was ok but he still wanted to go tonight. He didn’t call until almost 10:30 to tell me he was on his way up, so he didn’t get to my house until midnight. We stopped at Dunkin to get coffee and it was packed. He wanted to just get on the road and go, but I told him without coffee I wouldn’t last the trip up. He said he would drive, but I know he had a bad week at work and with everything that happened with his friend, I know he was majorly tired. I had told him before I would drive the whole way up. Its easier for me to drive up straight without stopping cause I get in the mode where I just want to get there. We didn’t leave here until almost 12:30 cause of Dunkin, but there was hardly any traffic at all and the cops weren’t out on the road, so I was flying, doing almost 80mph the entire way. So we got there a little before 3am. He fell asleep around Albany and felt really bad that I had to drive, but I didn’t mind. My mind was wandering around, flicking through random calming thoughts, so it wasn’t a big deal. Nothing intense or too serious, just random thoughts and images. And cause it was night, I wasn’t distracted by anything.

The whole weekend was so damn relaxing. We didn’t get up till almost noon on Saturday and I drove him around showing him the area. We went up Mount Defiance and the day was so clear we could see well into VT. We wandered around Schroon and watched some guys pull in an overturned boat. Rather amusing. It was also Americade weekend in Lake George, so there were motorcycles everywhere. We both like them, so our minimal ADD was kicking in, but at least it was both of us, not just one.

He decided he wanted to make blackened chicken salad for dinner, so we got stuff at the grocery store and went home. He built the fire, chopped the wood, cooked everything and wouldn’t let me help. I offered but he was like, nah I got it. I didn’t want to step on his toes when he was cooking. I’ve learned that is how dinners get ruined, when one person cooks one way and the other person tries to change it and it just gets complicated. And he made me ‘Smores and just took care of me the whole night. It was so nice.

These lyrics from SoCo kept running through my head cause the sound of the fire was so calming. I recited part of it to him, and he was quiet for a minute then said I really like that. It’s sweet the way he doesn’t give me bullshit quick answers or what he thinks I want to hear. He told me once he was brutally honest and its true. But the way he says things, doesn’t it make it feel that brutal to me. Maybe its cause we haven’t had a fight yet, but I dunno.

We got to talk a lot, sitting in front of the fire, which made me very happy. Its nice to get a chance to really get to know him and have him get to know me too. We were asking each other random questions, like what would you change about yourself, what do you notice first in a person, best place you’ve been, hardest thing you’ve done. I actually told him a lot about my bipolar and depression and the cutting and figuring out what I need when I get like that. I told him my biggest fear is when someone says I’ll always be there and I’ll love you forever. He completely understood it. I’ve noticed how much he values his friends and he’s there for them. In a way I was jealous cause I felt like I didn’t have a right to demand that of him. But he told me after I talked about the cutting and depression, that if I needed him to call, day or night. He didn’t say always, but just knowing that he has offered to be that kind of support for me, was really amazing to hear. It wasn’t something I expected him to offer and I wasn’t going to demand it of him.

He’s a very interesting person and I’m learning stuff about him and stuff about myself too. He said that when we met, he had this feeling that I had a lot to teach him and show him. It felt nice to think I wasn’t the only one getting something out of this relationship. It makes me feel less needy cause he kinda needs me too. We both needed this weekend to relax and let go of work and stress. Each for our own reasons, and so it was nice to do it with someone who wasn’t a part of the stress and worries of the week. I learned a lot about him and his family and his life. And he lets me be needy but not too much. Its the first relationship that actually makes me feel more independent and stronger, rather than dependent and needy. And his confidence is contagious. I noticed that with John when we hung out. He was so confident, almost to the point of egotistical, but not annoyingly or overly so. Its a confidence boost for me somehow. He doesn’t really put up with my crap which makes me less inclined to start it. He doesn’t make me feel stupid of what I say the way Manny and my father tend to do, especially when I ask stupid questions.

Right before we went to bed, I was downing the last Smirnoff (from the six pack we shared) and getting a little tipsy. We went to stand on the roof to look at the stars, and he knew I was a bit tipsy. He started swaying a little bit and I thought it was me at first, but then realized it was just him. He’s funny like that. He pushes my buttons and gets to me, but he kinda knows when to stop and let off. Or else he just does it at the right time. He was making fun of me cause I was drinking slowly and I was getting really mellow. Its just how I get. But he was still sweet about it.

Sunday morning we woke up without alarm clocks or anything and he went downstairs to turn the water heater on and check the time and it was like 8am. We both said screw this and went back to sleep. But we made it to breakfast at the Fort and then went home and walked around the property for a while by the creek. He mowed the lawn for me and I cleaned up the house, changing sheets and doing dishes. He temporarily fixed the water hose too. He’s such a Boy Scout. I kept calling him that and he just laughed. The sink in the kitchen leaks cause the trap is rusted, so we have a bucket underneath until the weather got warm and Daddy fixes it. I had done the dishes and I was going to dump the water out. It was like one of the last things we had to do. He was copying something out of one of the hiking books and he told me he would take care of it; he didn’t want me to hurt myself. I gave him a look and he was like, you’re going to do it aren’t you? I did, and he kinda chuckled at me. I was in rare form on Sunday, but I knew it so I was just trying to behave and keep my mouth shut. He noticed and just kinda checked with me every once in a while, not getting annoying, but just making sure I was ok. The whole weekend felt like it was slowed down and relaxed, a little too short, but it was good.

We left Sunday afternoon around 3 cause he still had to drive to Long Island after we got to my house. He did stay awake this time, which helped. At one point, he told me I was a good driver. He felt safe with me and he said he usually doesn’t let other people drive him. I had been in rare form all day, which he did pick up on, so he didn’t pick on me as much. But I couldn’t take the drive all the way home. I had a headache, the sun was bright and my eyes were hurting and