Falling into our illusion

This week has been tough. I’m not really sure why, but it has been. I had a horrid migraine today and stayed home from work. I think a lot of it had to do with not having a moment for myself. Last week I was majorly busy. Classes Monday through Wednesday (with papers due in the class), Therapy on Thursday, babysitting on Friday and the weekend up North. My English paper was really tough to write. It was hard trying to keep the balance between too much emotion and too much research. Part of the research is my emotions which was hard to do. Anyways, the paper took me all night and took a lot of emotion out of me. I didn’t sleep at all, so Wednesday I was running just at minimal levels. This was after Tuesday night talk with Brian which was great, but also draining. I told him a lot about being bipolar and what not. He said some great things to me. We talked about what I was going to do when I grew up. I told him a lot about why I was scared to play. And how much Calvin disappointed and destroyed me. And how I don’t think I can play anymore. He said the best thing in the world to me. “Kate. Shut up. You are amazing. Every time you play, I just think, oh my god. You are amazing.” It was great to hear it from him. There are few people I can truly believe when they tell me I’m talanted. He’s talanted and he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. So add that conversation to writing my paper and therapy and I was a little on edge.

At therapy I finally understood something about how Calvin really affected me. I didn’t go to a conservatory because I was afraid of being told I had no talent. So I went to Calvin. And was told the very thing I was terrified of. I had no talent. Which is why I so readily believed DeYoung when he told me that. Its something thats been bothering me for a while – why I had believe DeYoung so easily. And I feel like I’m a little bit closer. Its my life, my brain is my own private mystery. And I just solved a bit part of the puzzle. Maybe someday I’ll actually know myself.

So after Thursday’s therapy, I had Friday’s babysitting. And don’t forget in the midst of all that I’m working as well. My boss is putting more and more demands on my time. I feel more in control because I have those timesheets which keep track of what I do. So I can prove I’m actually being worth their money. Honestly, I think I’m worth more than some of the other people there who may be smarter than me, but spend half the day chatting life away. The hate I bear my job is one of the incentives to getting out of here. But what would I end up doing? Could I really be happy being a starving musician? I’m scared to find out. I’m really jealous that Brian knows its what he wants.

So babysitting was fine and I made money, but I was really tired. Elaina was coughing pretty bad and I felt so bad for her. Then I started getting antsy. I kept thinking I was hearing things outside, although I really wasn’t. Its unnerving. Saturday I slept in and drove to Lake George. It was fun, and I ended up staying with Kristen. She and I talked until almost one in the morning. I told her I was bipolar and explained what it meant. I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think she is bipolar. I think she has a depression problem, but I also think she knows when something is wrong. She told me there have been times when she was so upset and for no reason. And she went to see someone and got help. She was on some medicine, but she didn’t want to stay on it. We had a really good conversation and I hope I helped her. One thing she did say that made me happy was that she loved Gregg and was completely happy with him. I know Dot has been worried about Kristen and how she and Gregg are doing. But Kristen said that Gregg has been the best thing for her through all of this. So our conversation was good, but draining – especially after the week I had.

Then Sunday was Jeanne’s bridal shower. It was good. Kristen had me taking pictures for her and her mom. SO that was pretty ok. Dot and I got a chance to talk too after the shower was over. I don’t want to break Kristen’s confidence but I wanted Dot to know that she didn’t need to worry about Kristen. Not the way she has been. I think I helped a little bit. But then I didn’t get back home until midnight and then, as if almost by magic it was Monday. And the rat race starts again.

Which is how I ended up with a migraine on Thursday and staying home sleeping most of the day. Which is also why I’m awake at 4 in the morning. I’m highly frustrated by everything and everyone around me. I know part of it is the bipolarism, but another part is true. I don’t have anyone who gets it right now. I should really go down to that meeting the DBA has, but….I don’t know. I’m not sure I can. I’m not sure I’m ready to be that vulnerable. The paper made me vulnerable and so did talking to Brian and Kristen. I need to do all this one step at a time. I’m thinking I should send my English paper to my family for them to read. Preferably before we all meet up for my grandparent’s party. Then if they have questions or what not, maybe we can actually talk about it. Or maybe thats the last thing I actually want. Maybe I’ll let them read it after that, so I don’t have to deal with them when they know. The whole thing is just a lot.

But now its 4am and I need to sleep at least a little tonight.

For someone so young and naive
Hard to know what to believe
Still I thought I tried for a while
Turning round and giving up is not my style
On my own on my own way

Bottled up is where my fears go, my fears go
I will never show my fear
Theyll tear me up until my tears show, my tears show
All the smoke and mirrors

You must try hard, dont give in
Keep it up and you win
Dont let them know they get to you
Put on a brave face and youll get through
On your own, on your own way

Bottled up is where your fears go, your fears go
You will never show your fear
Theyll tear you up until your tears show, your tears show
All the smoke and mirrors

This journey of ours never ends
We will always pretend
Fighting not to let them win
And theyre falling into our illusion
On our own on our own way

Bottled up is where out fears go, our fears go
We will never show our fear
Theyll tear us up until our tears show, our tears show
All the smoke smoke and mirrors
Its about smoke and mirrors

Smoke and Mirrors ~ Skye Sweetnam