fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die

 After yesterday, I’m having a pity party day.  I just…  I don’t know what the point of it all is anymore.  I’m so deep in dept I’ll never be able to get out unless I win the lottery or inherit a fortune from a long-lost uncle.  My credit is horrific and mixed with my debt, I’ll never be able to own a house or get a car loan.  I want to be a wife and a mother, but I have absolutely no business doing either of those things with the state of my life right now.  For goodness sake, I can’t even wake up when my alarm goes off like a normal person!  Which means that no employer is honestly going to keep me around.  Eventually I’ll fuck it all up and be fired.  I understand completely.  If I can’t be dependable, they can’t have someone like that working for them.  I refuse to make empty promises that I know I can’t guarantee to keep.  I can promise to work hard.  I can promise to study and learn new things.  I can promise that mistakes will not be constantly repeated.  I can promise to ask questions when I don’t understand so that mistakes are circumvented.  But I can’t promise that I will wake up every day on time.  I can’t because I know that is a promise I can’t keep.  I can promise to try.  I can promise to make adjustments when things stop working.  But it will happen again.  I have no reason to suspect it not to happen again, so how can I assure my boss that it won’t happen again?  False promises and empty claims?

So I’m an unemployable, debt-ridden, bipolar, single loner of a grown woman.  Who probably has cancer.

Like I said – Its Pity Party Day.

The dark undercurrent to all this is my deep despair about life.  What really is the point?  Aren’t I just a strain on my mother, who now has to call me every morning to make sure I’m awake?  Aren’t I just a strain on my country and government, because I can’t pay my debt or afford health insurance?  Aren’t I just a strain on my friends, clinging to them and dragging them down with my depression?  Aren’t I just a strain on my boss, who wonders if I’ll show up for work each day?

I don’t want handouts or freebies.  I do want to work and make a living.  I want to work a full day and make enough money to put food on my table and a roof over my head.  I don’t know if this oversleeping thing is part of my bipolarism or not, but regardless it is part of me.  I’m not trying to make excuses, rather explanations.  A person with a physical disability like no legs, doesn’t use it as an excuse to not use the stairs but an explanation.  Once you can identify the real underlying problem – no legs – you can address the problem and go about solving it – wheelchair ramp, crutches, prosthetic limbs, etc.  If the oversleeping was the result of a problem with staying up too late, I could address the problem.  If the problem was no alarm clock, I could solve that too.  These are simpler solutions.

Mental illness is so much different than just physical illness.  It is a physical illness, honestly, because its caused by something in the body not functioning properly.  Neural receptors or stimuli or whatever are all a part of the physical body.  Its not a magical, mystical illness.  We just don’t know everything about it or why it happens the way it does.  If we did, we should be able to stop it or fix it.  To some degree, the same is true with cancer.  We don’t understand it all perfectly or else we should be able to cure it.  We no longer use the words voodoo or magic or spells to describe what we don’t understand; we tend to just group it all under science of one kind of another.

Except since mental illness can not be "seen" in the same way a broken arm or even cancer cells can be "seen", its harder to diagnose and harder to explain and harder to define.  What is bipolar and what is just me being lazy or stupid or ignorant?  Most mornings I don’t want to get out of bed.  That’s usually because my apartment is cold and my bed is warm.  It has nothing to do with being bipolar.  Still, I grit my teeth and throw back the covers.  What about those mornings when its a little harder to convince myself to move?  Am I just tired and avoiding the cold or is it something else, something sinister?  I’d say that about sixty-five percent of the time its normal morning blues and nothing to be concerned about.  About thirty-five percent of the time, its something more sinister.  Out of that sinister percentage, I’d say the majority of the time I can find one way or another to trick myself into getting out of bed and starting my day.  Various coping mechanisms, which include a hungry cat sometimes, can be enough to break the cycle for that day.  Yet there are still days when forcing myself out of bed and out into the world comes back to bite me in the ass.

There’s no solution that works all of the time.  And today I’m just incredibly tired of it all.
Empty spaces – what are we living for
Abandoned places – I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for…
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore

The show must go on,
The show must go on
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My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on.

Whatever happens, I’ll leave it all to chance
Another heartache, another failed romance
On and on, does anybody know what we are living for?
I guess I’m learning, I must be warmer now
I’ll soon be turning, round the corner now
Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I’m aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on
Inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies
Fairytales of yesterday will grow but never die
I can fly – my friends

The show must go on
The show must go on
I’ll face it with a grin
I’m never giving in
On – with the show –
I’ll top the bill, I’ll overkill
I have to find the will to carry on
On with the –
On with the show –
The show must go on…

The Show Must Go On ~ Queen