facing forward looking back

I was going to write something totally different. In fact, I did. But I lost it somewhere along the line. And maybe that was for the best. I’ve been busy with school mostly. I have a few odd jobs around town that are giving me, well gas money and thats aobut it. But its a living for right now. DeDra comes over once a week to have dinner with me and my mom. Its kinda nice. To have someone take the heat off of me for a little while. Dad and I aren’t excatly avoiding each other, but there are those certain “taboo” subjects that we don’t talk about. Money happens to be one of them and my computer is the other. Skip tried to fix my old laptop with no luck. He did image the drive so I’ll be able to get at my old files at some point hopefully. I’m really glad I still have my English papers here on OD.

I don’t get out much, because I don’t have money and I don’t have time. I spend the days working and the nights studying. I’m trying to keep boys out of the picture but they are always there of course. I keep thinking I like this guy or that guy, but then I’ll start thinking about Mike and no one else seems to matter much. That’s wrong, I know. Well, maybe not wrong, but its not good. I’m also wondering if I even like any particular guys or I’m just lonely. I think I’m more lonely than in the position to start a new relationship. I work and I go to school and I study and there’s my life on a plate. How fun is that? I went to Nita’s birthday party on Friday night. I was going to go with DeDra or Nathan (or both) but I didn’t get a chance to talk to Nathan and DeDra was tired. So I wasn’t going to go. Then I was going to go and just spend the night there. Then I wasn’t going to go because I like my bed too much. Then I was going to go and just see how drunk everyone was. Then I wasn’t going to go. Then Nita called and I agreed to go. When I got there, everyone was drunk except Annemarie. Loren had a new boyfriend, Brandon or Brenden or something like that. I didn’t really care that much. Loren asked me at one point about Mike and I realized that Nita is the only who knew he got back together with Melinda. I avoided the question until later when, I don’t know but something came up and I kind of blurted it out. So at least they all know now. Eric showed up and brought the sober number up to three. Some of Nita’s friends from work were there too. I didn’t know any of them, and spent most of the time on the front steps with Annemarie, Loren, her boyfriend and Eric once he got there. Becky was around making all kinds of drama that none of us sober people wanted to be a part of. Loren and her boyfriend got into a fight over something stupid too. Becky was making Nita upset and I was just getting annoyed by the whole situation. We had birthday cake and Brendon let me lick the icing from the candles. And I don’t mean he gave me the candles, I mean he “fed” them to me and called me baby. I didn’t like that especially since he’s supposing to be dating my friend. It annoyed me and made me like him less than I already did. Or didn’t. Or whatever. Nita, Eric, Annemarie and I ended up sititng in the living room for a few minutes catching up on a few things. Thomas, the 18-year-old virgin who has never been drunk before, was so wasted and just rolling around on the floor. Eventually Annemarie took off and then there were two. Loren and Brendon (or was it Brandon?) got into a fight over something and Eric decided it was time for him to go home. I told him if he was leaving I was going too, because I didn’t want to be left alone with all the drama. He and I actually ended up standing in the driveway and talking for an hour. It was nice and we had fun. We did the number exchange and vowed to hang out at some point, but I don’t know if it will really happen. I like talking to him and spending time with him, so maybe I will call him at some point. I think Columbus Day Weekend, my parents are going away and I might stay home and have a “low-key” party. The drama-free side of the group and who ever else is around. I’m not saying that we have no drama in our lives, but we are those who realize that there is enough drama without creating more. There are just too many immature, drama queens in the group. I’m snipping away and I don’t want to deal with those people who are going to make things more difficult for me. They are difficult enough already.

I think that there is a difference in people’s drama, depending on how big their world-view is. If their world-view doesn’t stretch beyond the state lines, they have a limited amount of drama in their lives. My world-view, besides being cynical, is rather large. Hurricane Rita, Katrina, our every-amazing President – They are all a part of my drama, my world-view. And my extended family and friends are also important. I haven’t talked to Megan in way too long. I keep wanting to call her, but its usually at a time when I know she won’t be home or she might be sleeping. And now that she’s working, she hopefully is actually sleeping at night.

Anyways, I like Eric and we had a really nice time together. But Mike has been on my mind so much lately, I’m not really ready to try and have a relationship with anyone right now. I remember going through this with Tim. They haunt me for months, sometimes more than a year. Tim still comes back sometimes to haunt me, but mostly now its Mike. I really miss him. But what I wonder is if I miss him or if I miss just having someone. I miss the kisses, the sweetness, the cute moments, the passionate moments. I miss him calling and I miss the little things he would do. I remember when he was home in April or May whenever that was. He was up here at my house almost every day one week and I was getting almost annoyed with him. I wanted him to go away. It was “too much of Mike.” But I got over it and ever since then, its been different. His annoying habits, didn’t bother me so much. The stupid things he did, they didn’t get me as upset as I used to be. And he had to go and get back together with Melinda. I hope he’s happy, I really do. I don’t wish him or Melinda any harm. But once again, I’m the one left standing alone.

You could be waiting for a day that won’t come,
And you could be so much more than you’ve become.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,
But you could be waiting for a day that won’t come…

You could be waiting for your life to begin,
And you could be so much more than you’ve been.
And I have found my feet 257 weeks,
You could be waiting for your life to begin,

And it’s so sad,
You’re so good and I’m so bad!
But you won’t see me wasting the best thing I’ve ever had.
And it’s such a shame,
That I can’t tell you anything!
You won’t hear me still you endear me now!…

Hard to see the window facing forward looking back,
Over years spent tracing wondering how you left your track.
Underwater breathing burns your lungs and breaks your back,
And you could be waiting right here for a day that won’t come…

And it’s so sad,
You’re so good and I’m so bad!
But you won’t see me wasting the best thing I’ve ever had!
And it’s such a shame,
That I can’t tell you anything!
You won’t hear me still you endear me now!…

You could be waiting for y