Facades and Aches

 Oh I still really love my new job.  Which I suppose very shortly won’t be new anymore.  But I’m still learning way way way too much and there’s still way way way too much I’m utterly clueless about.  Except….  My boss told me today that he loves my attitude and my smile and my willingness to ask questions and learn and how quick I’m picking everything up.  Its not even a month and he already asked what my availability would be to work more hours.  He said it not a sure thing and fall is usually the time of year when things slow down for them.  Except that absolutely haven’t yet.  In fact, the opposite has been happening and there is more and more to do.  We just picked up a new possible client and got in over ten orders today.  It was absolutely intense and fast-paced.  And the other business was pretty much dead slow.  Scott dropped off one order at 5pm and said it could wait until tomorrow.  Which is good because I’m trying to find a way to sort those into my database.

And build the database itself.  Which hasn’t really happened.  I have had really no time to work on it the past week or so.  Dave told me if I wanted to come in early or stay late and only work on the database, he was absolutely fine with that and trusted me to track my hours.  I told him I might take him up on that sometime this week.  I need to do church work tomorrow morning and tomorrow evening I must work on the arrangements for our big Reformation service.  Wednesday night I have the Reformation service meeting, but Thursday or Friday I might be able to stay late or get in early.

I’m also trying not to overextend myself and I’m trying to eat healthier.  I get peckish at work so I bought some peanut butter cracker sandwiches that I throw in a cup on my desk.  I also am going to stock the work fridge each week with yogurt.  Its so much better because I don’t find myself tempted to grab a burger and fries at lunch when I’m rushed, knowing I have yogurt at work.  And when I get out of work I’m not starving and desperate for food, which translates into fast food again.  I’m slowly piecing my kitchen back together so that I can cook again on a regular basis.

I feel like my life is starting to reach a somewhat even keel.  While the extra hours at the agency would be nice, at the same time, I really like my morning hours at the church.  Still absolutely hate mornings, but I feel less rushed.  I can get up and go right to church at 9am or meander a bit more and not go in until 10am.  Depends on if I get dressed for the title agency or not right away.  Ugh.  I need to do laundry.

I spent all day Saturday – and I mean all day – playing WoW.  It was wonderful.  I loved every minute.  I’m itching to get back on there and level my dwarf up to level cap.  Then I can start working on… I don’t know who yet.  But another toon.  Or I can go back to gearing up whoever I want.  Or leveling professions.  Or not!  But I’m enjoying playing again.  And I’m majorly excited for the expansion pack to come out.  I want to be a panda!  NAO!

Sarah’s been having me watch Andrew about once a week either when she has soccer or when she and David go walking.  Its perfect and wonderful and I love every minute.  Even tonight when he was screaming bloody murder.  Sarah and I think he’s getting his first cold.  He loves me and cuddles with me, but when a kid is sick (at any age) all they want is their mother.  I sang to him for a while and that helped, but he was screaming when Sarah came home.  Sarah said she felt bad for me and I told her I felt bad for her!  It didn’t upset me that he was crying.  I felt so bad that she walked into the house and her kid was in tears instead of asleep.  We had a good laugh over that.  And she made me very pretty earrings.  Which I love love love.  And she likes making them for me because then she doesn’t feel bad about asking me to watch her kid all the time when I don’t want money.  Its a nice little win win.  And I’m getting David to fix stuff on my old computer, which is perfect.  They don’t have a lot of money and I don’t really need it from them either.  Not for an hour or two a week.  Its something I can do for them that someone else can’t (at least for that particular day).  And then its things they can do for me that no one else can do.  Love those win win situations.

But all of this… busyness… its just a bandage in a way.  I’m excited for my cousin to be back in town and excited for orchestra to start again and excited for babysitting and excited for my job and excited for everything.  But I miss Mike terribly.  I stay busy and constantly moving so I don’t think about how much I miss him.  How much it hurts to not be with him.  God, I sound like I’m twitterpated. I don’t like being like that.  But when I let myself think about it and daydream…  I want to pack everything up this minute and ship myself back to New York.  I don’t care that I don’t have a job or a place to live or any idea of what I’m doing.  I just want to stop being so far away from him and be closer.

When those thoughts overtake me, I have to remind myself that even if that were possible and feasible, he’s not yet quite ready for that.  And I do not want to push him.  I wrote him a letter – handwritten and everything – that said I was ready and knew he wasn’t and was willing to wait.  But that I didn’t know how long I would or could wait.  And I knew he didn’t know how long it would be until he was ready – if he ever would be ready.

I understand all that and I know that we have to wait.  I know that my moving to New York RIGHT NOW would not be the best thing for… well, anybody.  Not for me, not for him, not for my parents, not for my church, not for my employment.  It just would not be good.

Still, somehow, knowing all that and knowing I’m making the right decision…  My heart still aches.  And some times its a little overwhelming.  Thankfully, I have plenty to throw myself into as a distraction.  It just makes me a little uneasy when my entire life is the distraction right now.  I need to find a place to be honest.  To be real about what’s going on.  To prevent the facade, all those distractions, from becoming indistinguishable from the truth.  Because not everything in my life is a distraction and I need to remember that.  I do have a life here.  I do have friends and roots and reasons to stay here.  Good, honest real reasons.

Just wish my heart would get that memo and stop aching.