everything is yours to lose

 

Twelve In 12

READING 

The Lance Thrower ~ Jack Whyte

The Pillars of the Earth ~ Ken Follett

FINISHED

It helps knowing that I’m not alone.  I’m not the only person who feels like its impossible to break into this culture.  I talked to JW (my pastor) about my bipolarism.  One of the lessons I learned at seminary was not to jump the news onto someone too quickly.  They become unable to see me as a person; all they see is the bipolar.  And somewhere, somehow, thats all that I become.  But the flip side of it all is also true.  Never telling the people I am close to, the people around me, they never see all of me.  They only see a part of me.  Its a razor’s edge.

That phase has been coming up a lot lately.  "The razor’s edge."  Its incredibly hard to walk the balance of that, but its incredibly important.

So I told JW.  And we’re trying to find a way to make it work.  He’s trying to help me survive and find a way to function, to accept responsibility for this condition and all that comes with it.  I think this is exactly what I’ve needed and why I’ve been called to this place.  A pastor with compassion who is willing to explore how do I live and function in this world with this problem.  That has been my biggest fear.  Thats why when I lost my job at the college I was so upset.  Because it wasn’t my fault, but it was my responsibility.  I had an anxiety attack, which is the fault of the bipolarism, but it is my responsibility and the consequences were mine to take.  I lost the job.  I could accept that.  What scared me so much, and what has paralyzed me into fear is that there is nothing I could do about it.  Any other job I got would be subject to the same consequences.  I would never be able to have a normal job.  Looking back on what I used to be able to do is fine, but its not the reality I live with anymore.  Things change, and I must learn to adapt.  So this situation at the church is an opportunity to have people who will not dole out consequences like a punishment, but who will walk beside me and help me deal with the irrational actions.  They are compassionate and willing to help but also are asking realistic questions and pushing me to just do a little bit better.  Not fix everything to perfection, but just get a little bit better.

I also told Nordling today.  We talked for about an hour after orchestra rehearsal, which was wonderful.  It felt wonderful to talk to someone about all these things that have been bothering me.  It was a release of frustration about this place and this culture.  I’m not alone.  His wife still hates this place as much as I do.  They understand how difficult it is to break into this world.  It is an area that heavily focuses on the family, which is great to an extent.  But when your focus on the family is so great that you fail to see the lonely, isolated person standing next to you – it becomes a very bad thing.  It amazes me how much people here don’t see what they do.  Nord said it the best.  This is a culture of ‘nice.’  Which sounds great, except that it means that nothing is real.  Its just all nice.  True, hard, fierce, crazy emotions are bottled up and you never really get to know people.  I’ve said all this before about this place, so not much that he said to me was a news flash.  But knowing that I wasn’t the only person who has felt like that helps in tremendous ways.  His wife still hates this place because of the impossibleness of penetration.  That does scare me a little bit.  They’ve been here nearly ten years, and after ten years, she still feels that way.  But she trusts God and she trusts her husband, and so they stay.  He told me that he will not retire from Calvin, which I was not surprised to hear at all.  I’m afraid that when he goes, I won’t have the strength to stay here.  But thats a problem for the future.

After all that, I made a phone call.  There’s a slight back story here.  In an attempt to meet a guy, I joined eHarmony about 6 months ago.  I recently decided that I couldn’t continue to afford it, so I canceled my subscription.  Within that week, I started eHarmony messaging with a guy named Andy.  He lives over on the west side of the city and is a student in Public Administration.  He wants to work in government.  There are two things that concern me a little.  He’s a bit older than I am, but within the parental differentiation.  That’s the term I’ve coined for the acceptable difference in dating.  If someone is old enough to be my parent, or young enough to my kid, its just a little too weird.  He’s about 9 years older than me, so definitely not able to be my parent.  But thats still a lot of years.  I’m not saying it definitely won’t work, but…  its still a long time.  The other thing is that he’s Catholic.  I have nothing against Catholicism; I don’t think they’re all evil or going to hell just on spec.  But there are some major doctrinal and theological issues that I disagree with.  At the same time, there are certain things I think the Catholic church could teach Reformed churches if they would just take a moment to listen and learn.  There are things about Catholicism that appeal to me.  Not quite enough to get me to become a Catholic; at least I don’t think so.  But I’m not entirely sure thats a first date conversation.  Speaking of…  He called me last week to see if I wanted to go to the symphony with him.  I was still coming out of a dark phase, the flu and my period, so I really did not think it would be the best time to attempt a first date.  But yesterday, after rehearsal and talking with Nord, my mood was greatly improved.  Nothing was fixed, so to speak, but just talking things aloud to someone who listens and cares and empathizes improved my mood like you wouldn’t believe.  So I called him.  The college orchestra is doing a concert on Saturday and afterwards there will be a small reception/party with the orch dorks.  So I invited him to the concert and then to the party.  I figured its safe because there will be people there around that I know and an easy escape route if things get awkward.  We talked about maybe getting coffee too, so we’ll see how that plays out.  We actually talked for an hour and a half.  About all kinds of various stuff – why I’m in Michigan, where he goes for work/vacation, NYC, a little politics and a little religion.  It was a good conversation and I’m really glad I worked up the nerve to call.  I’m excited, terrified and nervous about Saturday.  But maybe more excited than anything else.  One of the things I mentioned to Nord was my inability to find someone who is willing to show me how great western Michigan is.  They all proclaim its the best place and have no desire to move anywhere else.  But they don’t seem to be able to show me what’s so great.  I’m willing to see, willing to experience, but I just don’t.  If someone moved to my hometown and asked me what there was to do, I have a million things to show them and let them experience.  Now maybe some people don’t like going to historical sites, or walking the train bridge, or hiking, or blacklight bowling, or concerts, or train rides to NYC.  That’s fine.  To each his own.  And perhaps I won’t like the things there are to do in Michigan.  But no one seems to be willing to show me.  That’s where the concentration on familial life becomes an issue for me.  Everyone is so busy with their life and families, I seem to be forgotten and left by the wayside.  I’m not asking for 100% attention, but every once in a while it would be nice.  Anyways, I feel like Andy is willing to show me, willing to share his world with me, wanting to know my world too.

It kind of cracks me up a little.  I was nearly ready to throw in the towel less than 48 hours ago.  I was seriously considering moving back to NY.  My previous diary entry is a testament of how unhappy and miserable I was.  I was crying in the shower because I felt like I couldn’t stay here any longer.  It felt like my entire world was crumbling around me and all I could do was hold on for dear life with my fingertips.  Today, as I watch the basement get lighter and brighter, I feel better.  My migraine is also nearly gone, which makes me incredibly happy as well!  But I feel like I’ve rediscovered reasons for staying here.  I’ve found things to help and support me and make things just a tiny bit easier to stand.  I feel like I’m in control rather than be subject to the way the wind blows.

Next project – Getting my own damn apartment.
On, it’s on.
I declare my room a scene
Gone, then gone
It’s too much that they say you need
It’s not perfection, yeah
How boring if it is
Nothing new for me

Light on up
With everybody watching you
Lights go down
Everything is yours to lose
First dancer takes the floor
Laugh what you can’t ignore
What you gonna do

Waiting for attention
I’m not
Cut it to the left
And I rock
Need an invitation
I don’t
Slide it to the right
And I roll

Here it goes
Crowning up the cool kid queen
There it goes
The competition show their teeth
I’ll let them fight it out
It’s just my party now
What I want to be

Stand on up
Everyone in queue in costume
Stare on out
Don’t get sucked in for a second
Bright lights might say your name
They only light the stage
Nothing there to prove

Waiting for attention
I’m not
Cut it to the left
And I rock
Need an invitation
I don’t
Slide it to the right
And I roll

Hey Hey Hey Hey
Don’t accept critique or credit
Hey Hey Hey Hey
Definition always changes
It’s not the same as yours
You could be so much more
The closer that you get

Oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh,

Waiting for attention
I’m not
Cut it to the left
And I rock
Need an invitation
I don’t
Slide it to the right
And I roll

Here It Goes ~ Jimmy Eat World