Emails of a Past Life

For instance, I have one of yours from when I went AWOL from OD years ago. And that email still grounds me, still helps to realize the important friendships I’ve been part of on here. So thank you for having the guts to write it back then! 🙂 [Shazar]
~ a note from a few entries back

I keep emails too. I actually keep almost everything. I’m a borderline packrat and every so often need to weed out my stuff. But I’ve kept nearly every email he’s ever sent me. I was touched by his note, and the knowledge that he kept that email. It prompted me to look in my folders of sacred and saved emails and re-read the emails he’s sent me.

It made me realise how much I’ve changed in just two years. Four years ago I was graduating from high school. So much is different from that April four years ago. And so much has happened. That summer, the world was at my fingertips. I had potential and power and ambition and everything going for me. How quickly the mighty fell. I slipped and stumbled and fell down over and over. I was weak and pathetic and stupid. I made bad decisions and felt my life falling by the wayside. But eventually I got back up on my feet and pushed forward. I look at the emails from Shazar and I’m reminded of a girl who may have been beaten down, but who fought back. A girl who was strong and independent and so damn sure of herself. A girl, who wasn’t really a girl anymore. She was a woman and the world was in awe of her roaring.

That was two years ago.

How did I get back here? Back to the weak and pathetic little girl who can’t get out of bed? The insecuries, the lack of confidence in any decision I must make, the tears, the pain, the blood, the wounds. The hate, the anger, the screaming, the lying, the hiding and the facades. I don’t even know what’s real or what’s fake anymore. I want to get rid of the bullshit, rid of the crap. I want to be me and be okay and just open back up. I want to be that woman roaring at the world “Come and get me! I’m ready for anything you can throw!”

I don’t know how I can get back to that woman. I don’t know if I can forever get rid of this little pathetic girl. Maybe this is the truth of the bipolarism. Two years ago, I could have dealt with all this, but now I can’t. Every day is a struggle, every day is a fight and a battle for sanity. Every breath is painful.

I am determined to get her back, that woman so capable. That woman described in the emails from Shazar. I barely remember her. I can’t even remember being her. But I’ll get back there. I’ll return to being that woman, so admired by him and others.

I swear it.