Egotistical and Combative Me

I think anger, annoyance and being told I suck (when I know I don’t) is better motivation than I ever thought.  I still hate the oboe and basically never want to touch it again, but at least I’m working on the other things I need to do.  Somehow something clicked.  Or has so far at least.  I don’t know what happened to boost my confidence, but I’m feeling a lot stronger about musical decisions I’m making for myself.  My quintet also seems to be working really well and making good decisions together.  I think I’m definitely the focal point this time around since I’m sitting first, but I don’t always feel like I’m playing Mommy or Teacher.  It definitely is a group effort.  I’m especially enjoying working with Justin.  He has good ideas and listens extremely well, reacting very closely.  All musical strengths.  I felt my hackles rising today when LK came and started coaching us.  I’m not sure why Justin’s ideas, and the others of my group, don’t seem to annoy me, but it feels as though professors are being stupid.  I consciously forced myself to relax against her and try to take her instructions and work with them.  She is the teacher, I am the student and I need to respect that.  It started to occur to me that perhaps communication is indeed my issue.  As I started to relax and listen to what LK said, I recognized that she had some good ideas and was providing a good perspective on the music.  It was just the way she was saying it, or perhaps the way I was taking it.  Maybe I’m still sore from Doc’s attack, and I need more salve, more compliments and smiles than criticism even constructive.

There were still some things that LK said that I didn’t quite understand what she meant.  At least not at first.  I don’t know if that was a failure on my part or hers.  I didn’t want to contradict her or appear to be challenging her, because that is a trait I hate seeing in other students.  I’m especially attempting to reign it in with the current situation with Doc.  But I do need to remember its okay to say I don’t understand, please explain.  But I’m not having this issue in my other classes.  Its only with musical style in the coaching classes.  I don’t know if I’m becoming egotistical and over-confident or if I no longer care at all and am just being combative.  Might even be a little bit of both sides.

I realized walking out of Mason today, after our quintet’s first performance, that I had a lot of fun.  We didn’t neccesarily play our best.  It has gone a lot better in the past, but that room has such different accoustics, it took a while to adjust.  This was part of the reason I didn’t want to rehearse in live rooms only, but oh well.  I was nervous, but I really did enjoy it.  I enjoy rehearsals even more because there is a greater feeling of just enjoying the music and letting it flow through me, rather than fighting the music and forcing it out of me.

I’m hoping to make Doc understand this tomorrow in my lesson without her turning into the girl from the Exorcist.