don’t want your hand this time

I’m so tired. I have so many things to do and the list never really seems to get any shorter. I’ve been up late every night not because I’m playing around, but because I have work to do. Yeah, yeah – this is what college is supposed to be. But not my first week. Not the first day of class! I don’t know why but the whole thing just smacked my flat across the face. The worst is my Calculus class 4 days a week. Its not so much that its Calculus, but its the four days a week. I have two nights were I have to get my work done for that class. And for a while this week, I didn’t have my calculator. Or rather, I did, but the battery was dead and I hadn’t gotten to Radio Shack. Its not too bad, but just busy and stressful. I didn’t play WoW all week. I finally played last night and actually most of today. I did work on my to-do list too and now at 10pm I can cross something off the list. They aren’t really big things, but they do add up. And just to make life interesting, I’ve been fighting a cold all week which just kicked in full swing this morning. I had the worse headache and horrible sinus pressure. Melissa was listening to old Fall Out Boy really loud and it just magnified my headache. I should have gone out and asked Jenn to ask her to turn it down, but it was past noon and she had every right to listen to music. But I did have a splitting headache – literally, I thought my face was going to explode. Should I have asserted myself? Asked nicely that she turn the music down? I don’t know. I didn’t. I also didn’t bitch about her or Jenn’s dishes being in the sink all week long, although that actually did bother me. It bugged me because I couldn’t wash my dishes due to the ones in the sink. I ended up moving them all to clean mine. But I didn’t say anything to Jenn about it. I vaccuumed when they all left to go shopping. I discovered something interesting. I remember the last time I used the vacuum last semester and the thing was not even half full. Today, the thing was overfilled, almost clogging up the vacuum. One of them must have used it, which wasn’t a big deal, but to leave it that full. It annoyed me. I had to wrestle with it to empty the container. I was pissed and still fighting a headache, so I didn’t empty the garbage, although I thought I’d do it later along with my bedroom trash. Jenn came home and basically pouted because of the dirt in the trash. She asked me to empty it, and I told her I would, but I was in the middle of something. Mel evidently couldn’t wait and she threw a fit and threw the garbage bag in my doorway. I should say something to Jenn so she knows why I was pissed off. I don’t even think she’s knows that I am pissed about anything. My life also doesn’t revolve around their needs and desires. If they can’t keep the kitchen spotless, than I can’t empty the garbage the second they want me to. It’s not like the kitchen needs to be spotless, but on the same token I’m not their servant to order around and tell what to do and when to do it.

I should just talk to Jenn about it. Its not so much that I want an apology or make someone else take out the trash, but she should know how I feel about it as well.

Anyways – Sarah told me she didn’t want to hear me complain about Jenn or Mel this semester since I didn’t move out and sue them. Which is only fair. She listened all semester to all the crap they did and I’m sure it did get old. I know that if something was big enough she’d listen to me, but just not every day all day long. Which is fine.

Anyways – I’m tired and busy and really have nothing major to report about. Its been snowing all week, which makes everything white and clean. It also means every time I go out to drive my car I’ve had to clear 2 inches of snow off it. I left Mike a voicemail saying that there’s plenty of snow here and how was Africa? We’ll see if and when he calls back. I’m still no 100% sure of what I’m going to do. But I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I talked to Manny earlier today for a little while. He’s planning on spending his entire spring break week with Brian. I happen to know that Brian doesn’t really want him there all week long because he’s got class and his thesis that he’s working on. He told this to Manny, but Manny is stubborn and stupid and insists that he doesn’t care, he’ll just sit around. I don’t think Manny understands that Brian is working on his thesis and unlike a senior film project which is interesting to sit and watch being worked on, Manny will be bored stiff and Brian will be way too busy to entertain him or even talk with him. But in some ways, that falls under the category of not my problem. My Spring Break happens to be the same week, so I’ll be driving out West visiting family and friends and hope to stop by Brian’s for a night, but that’s about it. I don’t need days and days with him. And I really don’t need days and days with Manny. Oh, well – it will work out in the end.

Sarah and I were trying to find a concert somewhere during this semester to see, but nothing good is going to be in the area. We might end up going to Warped Tour over the summer. She likes cool bands like Coheed and My Chemical Romance. She’s a little pop-radio influenced, but if it makes her happy, whatever. She made a comment earlier this week when she was over studying, that she thinks she and I are the only ones in the oboe studio who listen to “normal” music besides classical music. I think she might be right. As much as I love Heinz Hollinger and all things oboe, sometimes all you need is some rock.

Oh, and I’m not really rapid cycling anymore. Now I’m just pretty much manic. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

Now I will tell you what I’ve done for you –
50 thousand tears I’ve cried.
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you –
And you still won’t hear me.
(going under)
Don’t want your hand this time – I’ll save myself.
Maybe I’ll wake up for once (wake up for once)
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I’d reached the bottom

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through
I’m going under

Blurring and stirring – the truth and the lies.
(So I don’t know what’s real) So I don’t know what’s real and what’s not (and what’s not)
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can’t trust myself anymore

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through

I’m…

So go on and scream
Scream at me I’m so far away (so far away)
I won’t be broken again (again)
I’ve got to breathe – I can’t keep going under

I’m dying again

I’m going under (going under)
Drowning in you (drowning in you)
I’m falling forever (falling forever)
I’ve got to break through

I’m going under (going under)
I’m going under (drowning in you)
I’m going under

Going Under ~ Evanescence