don’t lift me up

I’ve been in such a funk mood lately. Mike has been on my mind a lot lately, making it hard to study. Either I’m awake and thinking about him and other things, or I’m way too tired to even form complete sentences. Its 1am and I’m actually awake.

Well somewhat awake. I’m watching Law & Order – the one with the detective I don’t like. He’s creepy, but really good at his job. I took my meds last night. They gave me strange dreams. I had this dream that I was back at Ketcham, back in Wind Ensemble. McN was there along with Deste and Carrie. I didn’t recgonize anyone else. And the room was different, changed somehow. I was talking to either Deste or Carrie and we were mentioning how we had all dropped out of college just short of graduating, or something like that. And somehow we were all back here. We decided to go ask McN together if we could have a locker to share. Deste said she would but she was also sharing with Jessica – this other girl from high school. It was so strange. Somewhere in my brain I still knew that McN was suppose to be in jail and that he wasn’t suppose to be teaching. But all I could do was think to ask my mother about it when I got home. It was very strange. That’s why I hated taking those meds. I always have the oddest dreams.

But I’m a fucking insomniac. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to sleep. I started drinking wine, hoping it would help, but it doesn’t. It just calms me to some degree. Makes me less crazy, less neurotic. But doesn’t let me sleep. I’m not sure whats wrong and yet I know excatly what it is. It just drives me crazy.

I can’t even explain why I don’t care and yet I care. Its like I’m feeling every emotion, including its polar opposite. I’m toasting the night, since its the only time I can’t seem to sleep. I sleep during the day, and I’m awake all night. I drink red wine. If I actually believe it I’d think I was turning to a vampire. The work of school is piling up but it is far from overwhelming. Its more overwhelming to think of a possible upcoming oboe audition.

I’ve lost it. That feeling, that drive, that sense that I belong in the world of music. Brian was suppose to help me keep it, but I rarely see him anymore. Its why I’m drowning in this life of nothing. I’ve forgotten how to breathe, how my heart beats. I sit here and think of all the pieces I could play on my oboe and it just doesn’t do anything to get me moving. I don’t feel the drive. So I don’t feel the need to get out my oboe and play. I don’t know how to explain it.

Its like I stopped breathing, and although I vaguely remember how great it was to breath, I’m not convinced it will be the same. I’m not convinced breathing will matter to me the way it used to.

Don’t lift me up
With your strong intent of dropping me back down
Are you like this?
Afraid to be yourself

And if you somehow get through all of this
without hating yourself, for all of this
just know that I will hate you enough
for the both of us

Spent that night alone
The first in a long time
Forgotten all the loneliness and darkness in my life
You lost a friend the day that you let go
to drown in the sea of regret and no one knows

That I’m alone and I
Can’t blame anyone but you
Self loathing once filled me but now I know the truth

Spent that night alone
The first in a long time
Forgotten all the loneliness and darkness in my life
You lost a friend the day that you let go
to drown in the sea of regret and no one knows

Spent that night alone
The first in a long time
Forgotten all the loneliness and darkness in my life
You lost a friend the day that you let go
to drown in the sea of regret and no one knows

Kellum ~ Bayside