Doing What I Need to Do

Its strange how things can change so quickly. You find out who your true friends are and who really loves you. The harsh reality of life is that you don’t know until something horrible happens. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again. I never really understood that until recently. But the flip side is is that you can find people who are amazing and loyal. There are people who support me no matter what because she loves me and she knows I need her. Through mistakes and bad choices we have always been able to be friends and support each other. In a way I guess I’m glad I know who cares about me and who doesn’t now. I mean the longer the friendship the more the knife hurts. Its strange though, because I have no desire whatsoever to talk to her. I just don’t care. I mean if someone told you they don’t care, why would you care about them? Granted its probably more about me trying to protect myself than me “getting back at her.” I have enough problems of my own right now. I don’t need to be bothered with revenge. Does it hurt? Damn yes. It really does. And it will probably hurt for a long time. Heh. I learned a long time ago that pain is part of life and growing up. Seriously, how much pain have you experienced at 3 years old? Not like you are expected to, but as you get older and more mature, you get hurt. People betray you, people leave you, they die or just abandon you. But with all that brings maturity and understanding.
And I’m starting to understand. Not everyone who says they care, really does. And I’m starting to realize that she never ever really supported me. In anything I did. There was always an alterior motive something I didn’t catch or see until later. And this time, there is nothing for her. So she won’t support me. She also really doesn’t understand my relationships. Even though she heard about everything I went through, or at least most of it, she wasn’t IN the relationship. She couldn’t possibly know what it feels like when you love someone like that, or when someone loves you like that. Maybe I was wrong for thinking she understood my decisions concerning Manny. But who ever was at fault and how ever this all got really started, its obvious to me that its not going any farther. I’ll probably be uspet for a while and I’ll probably write about her and miss her for a while. But I need to protect myself and I need people who support me around me, especially now. I’m going to do what I need to do.