do you know what your fate is

 

Twelve In 12

READING 

The Lance Thrower ~ Jack Whyte

The Pillars of the Earth ~ Ken Follett

FINISHED

So I re-friended the Newfie a number of weeks ago on Facebook.  I was going to send him a message, but I decided not to.  I wanted to see if he would say anything to me or if he was still… Newfie-esque.  Imagine my surprise when I got the following message…

Hi! I’m so glad you got in touch…I don’t know if you had your profile made un-searchable…but I tried to find you and couldn’t.

Since last we talked, I started a Masters in Business, hated it, fell in love with music again, and I’m applying to MUN (the university in St. John’s) to do a Masters in Conducting again. I’m in way better shape to do it this time though. And the new teacher MUN hired is fantastic!

My life is otherwise barely less of a mess than ever, but what can you do, hey? At least my professional life is a little more satisfying…I’m conducting the St. John Passion in April, and Appalachian Spring Suite + a new commission with dancers over the summer! I’m also a conducting intern with Opera on the Avalon (google it!) doing Nozze di Figaro this June, fully funded! I’m also on the board of directors for this new music festival in St. John’s called Edge Music Festival, where I’m working with a bunch of pro players and business types on organizing concerts and programming and such!

What’s all the news with you? Still out in Michigan? How is your program? Playing much? Tell me everything!

I’ve missed talking to you! Hopefully hear from you soon 🙂

R

I took a couple of days to get over my shock and digest what he said.  Tonight Laura G came over to watch a movie with Laura D and me.  We had some time before LD put Grace to bed, so LG and I hung out downstairs and talked.  As he was on my mind, I ended up talking a bit about the Newfie to her.  Which prompted me to write a response at 2am instead of going to bed.  I don’t know what this means or where in the hell this is leading to.  I feel like every guy I’ve ever fallen for is always moving in the opposite direction from me.  Not in a bad direction, but always completely opposite.  Newfie and I are no different.  It still hurts to think about him, so I’m going to post this note and then go to bed.  My emotions are too raw and tender for much disection.

Hi. I don’t even know how long its been since I’ve seen or talked with you, but I do think about you often and miss you a lot. I’ll be honest, I de-friended you on FB in an attempt to get you out of my head, but clearly that didn’t work out so well. I’m really glad you wrote.

I’m really happy to hear that you’ve fallen for music again. I’m finding that I’m doing the same thing. I am still out in Michigan, although no longer in school. It was expensive and not really what I wanted to be studying. All my experience at St Mark taught me more than I had realized. So I ended up getting a part-time job on the north side of Grand Rapids, at a small but wonderful church. They apologized for the small size of their choir when I started which caused me to laugh. There are on average 18 people in the choir. Thats more than 4 times the size of the St Mark choir! Its good work, but I only get paid for a few hours a week of work. So I’m living on the charity of a family from church, camped out in their basement until I can get on my feet. I’m a little frustrated with the church’s lack of musical excellence – partly talent and partly a desire to do things well. My mom reminds me that I don’t have access to musicians like you, Mouse, or James out here. Its just different and taking some adjustment. James is now at Rutgers pursuing a masters in performance. Mouse hopes to start at Duquesne in the fall doing the same. I don’t miss school, but I miss the musician quality in church. And I miss my friends.

As for oboe and me – I’m starting to get more paying gigs, which I’m absolutely loving. I’ve been hired to play a few different gigs, specifically Brahms Requiem with a college orchestra. John Nelson will be our guest conductor later in the year for that performance. You had given me a recording of Simon Rattle conducting the Berlin Philharmonic, so I’ve been listening to that a lot and going over the score. Last semester the orchestra did the first and last movement of Brahms 1, which was amazing. This all led up to an offer to play for the local Bach Festival with mostly pro players and another concert with pro and amateur players. And I discovered one of the Grand Rapids pro oboists actually knows who I am! This whole music thing might actually work out!

So my "professional" life is starting to take off a bit. But I lack in good, close friends – musical or otherwise, romantic or otherwise. I’ve thought about moving back to NY, or trying to find a place elsewhere, but I really think this is where God wants me to be right now. So I throw myself into my work and hope the rest all sorts itself somehow.

It sounds like you’re doing great with all your conducting responsibilities. The Edge Music Festival sounds really wonderful and like a perfect fit for you. I like the concept of the lighthouse as the brand. I checked out Opera on the Avalon too and that sounds amazing! I’m so glad you’re happy with what you’re doing now. You deserve that and so much more.

So the rest of your life is… well, messy huh? Isn’t life always? I was actually talking about you to a new friend of mine this evening. I was recounting our day in Toronto before you left, I think for Christmas. Its one of the bittersweet memories I have of you, and its transformed into a snow-globe type memory. I remember it snowing as we walked around the city, just talking and enjoying each other’s company.

I’ve missed talking to you a lot too. I want to hear more about the Edge Music Festival and all your conducting exploits. Any temperamental oboists who threaten you with reed knives?

Hoping to hear back from you again!

~

Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You feltit so strong, but
Nothing’s turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you won’t let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You’re doing your best and
Your best look
You’re praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You’re a lonely soul
Cause you won’t let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it