did you forget that you were family

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned in my grown-up life concerns questions and answers. When something happens, we struggle in trying to understand it. Whether it is an earthquake, a friend’s lie, a robbery, a breaking of trust and love we look for explanations. I want to know why my boyfriend just upped and walked out on me. I want to know why my teacher slept with his students. I want to know why my father shuts me out of his life. I want to know why that teacher thought I wouldn’t be able to make it. I want to know why that truck rammed my friend’s car. I want to know WHY.

Its leftover from childhood days of asking why, why, why. There is a good friend from church who I have known my whole life. I loved to annoy him by following him and asking why over and over. Why is his tie pink? Why is his hair spiky? Why? Why? Why? I would pretend to never be satisfied with his answer. It was a game, one we both laugh at now.

But the asking of Why hasn’t ceased. The hard lesson comes when you can’t get the right answer. It becomes even harder when you don’t even know what the right answer might be. I learned the first half of that lesson with Tim. He left with no explanation or reasoning or logic. I chased after him for so long, begging to know why. It was not until a friend pointed out that Tim himself might not even know why did I stop chasing him. But my heart still cried out for answers. I continued to search and try to find out the Why. The second half of the lesson I learned with McN. I wanted to know why he could be so wonderful and so cruel all at the same time. But I no longer had access to him. I didn’t even want access to him. I just wanted the answers to my questions. Finally, a friend asked me what did I really expect from him. What was the right answer to my question? In my wildest imagination, what might he say that would make me feel better? I realized there was nothing he could say or do to undo what had happened. And I realized I didn’t even want my questions answered even if he would be willing to talk to me.

We know so much these days. The knowledge and understanding of our society stretches beyond comprehension. Thank goodness for Google and wikipedia and search engines. We can find the answer to almost anything with the click of a button. Yes, there are still finite limits, but it is unimaginable the amount of knowledge that is out there today. We are a culture that is not used to saying ‘I don’t know.’ We’re not used to being told there is no right answer; there is no solution. There is no explanation.

I know that sometimes there are no answers. There are no explanations. I have done things that later I cannot explain, justify or reason. I have done things that I don’t wish to dissect and explore and understand. I have done things I’m afraid to explore. Understanding why something is done doesn’t remove the consequences of the action.

I’m faced with two people in my life I care very deeply about who have done something very wrong. Do I want to ask my questions? Will it even matter? Do I want to know the answers? Will it even matter? Do I allow them to remain in my life or do I remove them for good?Their action was not done directly at Me, but that doesn’t mean I can excuse it, ignore it, forget it.  Will answers to my questions help me or make it all the harder?  The answers won’t change the actions.  

What about repentance? What about grace?  What about forgiveness?

Why?

You
I trusted your intentions, a trust you took advantage of
Now you 
Are sitting in the hole that you dug around yourself

You’ve lied so much you think it’s true
Do you know what the truth is?
How does someone get to be like you?
The king of all excuses

Is she 
Your partner in deception or caught inside the web you’ve spun?
Did you 
Forget that you were family, the damage you have done

You’ve lied so much you think it’s true
Do you know what the truth is?
How does someone get to be like you?
The king of all excuses

I trusted you
I trusted in you

This time
You’re gonna get it
All the things you’ve done coming back to you
This time
You’re gonna feel it
You’re conscience slowly suffocating you
In time
You will regret it
Say goodbye to all the things you’ve gotten used to
Life will find a way to bring this karma to you
Life will find a way to bring this karma to you

You’ve lied so much you think it’s true
Do you know what the truth is?
How does someone get to be like you?
The king of all excuses

Everything must come full circle
It kills me that I feel this hurtful
I wonder what your children think of you
The king of all excuses

King of All Excuses ~ Staind