defense is paperthin

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory
Myst: The Book of Ti’ana ~ Rand Miller

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

 Work has been hard lately.  Yesterday was a departure day, which means picking up hundreds of stinky, pissy sheets and blankets over four camps.  I wasn’t excatly in a bad mood, but Phil’s cousin, Jason was annoying me.  He was bitching about the fact that he had just been on the rez twelve hours earlier.  So sorry.  I seem to remember last year having to work the day, drive at night, do laundry overnight and then work the next morning.  At least he got the chance to sleep a bit.  He also seems to not understand that I do work on Thursdays and Fridays, but not in the back.  He kept saying stuff about me never working those days and eventually even Lee said something to him.  I sit with Rosemary and its not a cushy job.  I’d honestly happily trade with any of those boys.  But I know none of them would be able to handle it.  Its moments like those when I miss Steve so much.  He was really good to everyone, and especially me.  He stood up for me when the other guys complained I got to sit in AC two days a week.  But that’s also party because he’s sat there and knows how frustrating that job can be.  Out of the guys I work with now only LeeAndra has sat there.  It’s just slightly annoying when they all treat me like I don’t do nearly as much work as they do.  I suppose part of it is a complex that I just need to let go.  But my life doesn’t revolve around Sharpe this summer.  I need to practice and my mother would like to spend time with me.  I’m not home that long and there are things I want to do.  I don’t just work and then sit on my ass.  I actually have things to do outside the job.

For example today, Phil and Tom were up hanging out at LeeAndra’s.  I was waiting for them to come back down from ABC where I thought they were just dropping off some furniture.  We needed to deliver a laundry bin.  I figured after that we’d go to Lee’s.  But they just went up there on their own.  Which pissed me off because they knew I was waiting for them.  So when Tom called Terry about something else I talked to Phil and asked if I could just go home.  He gave me crap for even asking.  But he and Tom were drinking beer and doing nothing productive.  I don’t mind working when there’s things to do and yes, I need the money.  But I do have other things I want to do, other things I need to do.  If there’s nothing to do at work, I’d much rather clock out and go home.  I have too much to do this summer before school starts again to be that unproductive.  I’m spending enough hours sitting at the staff lodge reading.  So Phil told me I could go home.  But my mother (who was using MY car) never picked up her phone or checked her messages after she left the doctor’s office so I ended up staying at work until 5pm anyways.  There was another delivery and some other things but Phil just told me to leave it for tomorrow.  So I just sat and read my book, but you can beat your ass I’m not clocking out for that time.  I was still in that damn warehouse.

A lot of my crankiness right now is due to the fact that my shoulders are still really bothering me.  I’m not taking Vicodin every night, but its close.  I’m popping Tylenol like its candy just to keep the edge down on the pain.  I’m going to try to get an appointment for the doctor and see if we can’t do something about all this.  Rosemary asked me today how I was feeling because she knew my shoulder was hurting and that I had worked departure.  So I told her I had taken the Vicodin when I went to bed, which really helped.  Louise was sitting there and asked if it was prescription or over the counter.  It struck me as odd because I’m pretty sure you can’t get Vicodin over the counter, but I answered her.  She goes, "Ooo – Bad girl.  Bad girl."  I asked her why and she said I shouldn’t self-medicate or something like that.  I should only use the drugs when a doctor tells me.  Well, that Vicodin was prescribed for shoulder pain.  Its not expired and when I saw Dr. Amy in January, I told her I had some left and she said to hold on to them and keep using them as I needed them as long as they didn’t expire.  I explained this to Louise but she just kept shaking her head and calling me a bad girl.  So that put me in a sour temper.  If I was taking drugs illegally, does she really think I would say it to anyone?  Besides the fact that I am a grown woman and capable of taking care of myself.  Earlier that morning she was trying to tell me that I should just go do acupuncture.  But my body is so screwed up I don’t want to do something drastic without talking to a doctor.  This is why I don’t drink St. John’s Wort tea.  It might help, it might do nothing or it could make me tailspin out of control.  Gah!  I’m just perpetually cranky now I think.

I’m almost too busy and not getting to do things that I’d like to do or see people I’d like to see.  I’m not home that long, so I’m trying to make sure I get to everything and everyone.  I didn’t think it was nearly as much as its turning out to be!  My father is also making me nuts.  He treats me like shit or like a princess depending on which way the wind blows.  I don’t want to put up with that anymore.  He’s pissed at me because he paid for my car insurance.  Something I didn’t ask him to do, something I didn’t expect him to do.  But he never talked to me about it.  About a month ago he asked if he was supposed to pay it and I said I thought I could pay it but I wanted to see if I could get a cheaper rate.  I told him if I needed help I would let him know.  I never asked him!  I never said a word to him about it.  He agreed to pay one of my credit cards, which I would pay him back when I got my paychecks.  But he never did that, so they automatically took the money out of my bank account (which I have set up for them to do when

there’s still a balance).  So then I didn’t have money for my car insurance.  When I called him to talk to him about it, he snipped that he had already paid it.  When he and Mom got home from the lake, he was a complete asshole to me.  Mom tried to cover and say it was a hot carride and he was tired.  But he treated her perfectly fine.  He’s always gotten away with treating me whatever way he wants and I’m to the point where I’m not going to put up with it.  Again, I’m a grown woman and there’s no reason to treat me like that.  He’s a bully and won’t he be surprised when I start biting back.

Gah…  Like I said…. Cranky…..

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye

And roped me in
So, mesmerizing,and so hypnotizing,
I am captivated,I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I’m right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me
So isolated,and so motivated
I am certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I’m right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So turn
up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I’ll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I’m right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

Slight hope
dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption…

Vindicated ~ Dashboard Confessional