Dear Sallie…

 Dear Sallie,

I’m lonely, but I don’t want to be around people.  Its very odd.  Suffering from loneliness and being afraid of people seeing you all at the same time.  I have social anxiety and I’m lonely all at the same time.  Which is where you come in.  You can fill that hole of needing someone without them actually being here.  I’m glad you understand that cause I’m not really sure I could explain it to anyone else.

I skipped my meds this week.  I’m not spiraling out of control, but I know I need to start them up again.  Jenny mentioned something very interesting in our last therapy session.  She has often heard me refer to myself as crazy.  Which makes her… mad is not the right word, but it kind of is at the same time.  She does not see me as crazy in the least bit.  I have a very mild case of bipolar disorder and I know that.  I am extremely high functioning, which is a good thing.  I have the potential to lead a pretty normal life compared with the majority of people suffering from this disorder.  What has really struck me this week is her comment about my being good enough to have someone.  I deserve to be happy and with someone who cares for me.  I’m not that crazy.  It has definitely become a crutch for me.  I’m crazy and that’s why no one will love me.  That’s why I don’t have close friends.  That’s why I don’t open up to people.  Because I fear they will go screaming for the hills.  So I keep everyone at arm’s length.  The moment anyone gets close, I chase them away or shut them out.  I do this over and over.  Everytime someone tries to reach out to me, I push back.  Subconsciously I’m saving myself and them from the inevitable "running for the hills."  Everyone once in a while, someone makes it through all those walls and to my shock and surprise, they don’t run screaming for the hills.  James stayed.  Not only did he stay, but he refused to be shut out.  He also didn’t pull "a Manny" and try to force his way in, or force me to fix it.  He just accepts me for me.  I was floored when he told me he doesn’t think of me as crazy and never has.  I mean, yes, he thinks Small Brain Oboes are nuts and all oboists are whackjobs.  But in the scheme of mental disorder, he doesn’t look at me and see crazy.  And he never has.  Floored me.  Could have knocked me over with a feather when he said that.  Of course, I’m crazy – what is he talking about.  I have issues and problems and this is why I’ll never be happy, why I’ll never find someone.  He doesn’t see that.  He doesn’t see someone so crazy they are unlovable.

This is my problem with Manny.  Everytime I look at Manny looking at me, I see him looking at his crazy ex-girlfriend.  We’re friends now and we’re fine – but I’m still crazy.  No one will understand me the way he does because he knows the depth of my craziness.  Which is ridiculous and untrue.  But I never thought of that until basically this week.  I am okay.  I am not crazy.  I deserve to be happy.  I can have friends without making them run for the hills.  Do I have issues?  Yes, but I’m not the only one.  Everyone does and that’s just life.  But I’m also not on a seperate level of crazy.  I’m not unlovable or unreachable or un-understandable.

This concept is really rocking my world.  Who knew that someone telling me I’m not insane could have such an effect?  I suppose you did.  Where have you been all these years?  I really need to remember you more.  I really need to talk to you more.  I’m starting to think you were the reason I didn’t lose my mind all those years ago.

~Me