DCC Rantings
I mean, I like hanging with Alexis, but Matt and Paul are kind of ehh. I loved sitting there with Russ, Joe and Dennis. Russ is seriously one of my favorite people. And Dennis is quickly becoming like that. Joe is awesome, too. Especially when hes not being moody. And Todd and Lauren are cool, too. I am so happy I went to Canada and that I had a party, too. It totally helped me settle into the group. Or at least feel comfortable enough to sit with them for lunch. And actually talk to them. Ahh, I love Russ. He and Dennis were taling about how the group just keeps growing and soon it will be too big, and how it really is too big already. And like Schuld will drive from Dover 5 days a week or more to hang out. And so I said Yah, thats why I try to find other friends to hang with too. And Russ, bless his heart, was like no, youre part of the group. You went to Canada with us. Seriously, it made me feel so loved. Now if I could only get them to call me when they go out! Russ is still cool. Hes sweet and fun. And I’m just bored now. No one is around and I dont really want to wander the campus. I have too much crap. I need to figure out what I really need and what I can leave home. My CD player comes because I need music for when I’m writing or studying. Sadly enough it really helps me focus. It cuts out the surrounding noise and as long as I dont really listen to the lyrics or anything I’m fine. I really actually studied my BHS book, which was a change from the norm. Where I usually just read over the words but nothing sinks in. This time something sank in I think. Blah, blah, blah, I’m bored and theres nothing to do. I actually dont mind going to class cause it gives me something to do. Ah, this kid Walter in my math class reminds me of Jeanne and John a bit. But his name is Walter something and I know Dot doesnt have any relations around here anymore. I dont understand some people. Jessie is just so different from who she used to be. So is Christina. I barely know who they are anymore. I’m not even sure I really want to. They arent just weird, they are down right scary! And I definietly think of something to do for these two hours. I’m so unbelievably bored. I suppose I could wander to the Library and check it out. Maybe even get that article I need. But I think my Enlish teacher said we would be getting a tour or an explanation or something. Eh, I’m just bored. And I’m pretty sure everyone else went home already. Heather leaves sometime today. And I’m actaully not really upset. I’m sad and Ill miss her, but I dunno. I dont feel like Settles leaving me. I mean I really him. And Todd said something that struck a nerve I dont like to admit is there. He had been wandering around talking to people and when he got back he was like I need to call Brian. He meant Lang so I said I needed to call the other Brian and he smiled and nodded, not like haha yeah, but like I know what you mean. And then he got off the phone and I said something about seeing Brian everywhere especially the first two weeks after hes gone. And Todd jokingly said I think someone is in love with Brian. Hes all Ive heard about the last 5 mins. I swear my face must have turned so red! But I just laughed and said, No the truth is I’m in love with you, Todd. He just laughed and let it go. But I swear I wonder sometimes This is one of those things where I dont even know my own emotions. Ill deny it to every and anyone who asks. But of all my friends, I easily miss Brian the most. And I do see him everywhere! It gets better as my mind accepts the fact that he is away at school. But maybe I’m fooling myself and its really my heart that doesnt want to accept it. I mean, I do love him, but like a brother or I think so. I notice ND things everywhere. Maybe its just like with John and Mustangs. When I always hang with them, I notice andpick up their obsessions. The thing with Brian is I know he doesnt like me. He likes Kathleen. And while they arent going out, everyone knows about them (and pretty much before they saw it). Its all too confusing. Even taking Brian out of the equation, I have Eric, Tim, Bobby and Manny issues. Each in their own way, I have feelings for them. But there is only 1 who ever was able to cross the boundaries between all my different worlds. Now he wont even talk to me at all. Doesnt want anything to do with me or whatever. God, that hurts so much! Which is why I wont and cant do that to Manny. He thinks its because there is something there. Well there is caring cause I do care for him. And speaking of Manny, I do not understand how or why hes pissing me off so much lately. He really hasnt done anything, but be himself. And for some reason that is really getting under my skin. So much to the point, I’m actually avoiding him cause it feels that all that ever happens is I get mad and we end up fighting.. And I dont like doing that, really. So I’m avoiding him instead. Even still he manages to annoy me. Because I really dont like avoiding him either, but I dont want to fight either. So, figure out why we fight. Yah, thats not as easily said as done. Cause I dont really know why he makes me mad. Yah, hes arrogant, but so are my other friends. And hes actually trying to be understanding, but it usually pisses me off. I was reading our old conversations and besides not sounding like me He didnt piss me off then. So I dont know why he does now. Besides the fact that he does.