Damn Paul Bunyan

Today was horrible. And by today, I mean Monday. I couldn’t get out of bed. I woke up around 4am with a splitting headache. Literally, it felt like someone was driving an axe into my skull. I woke up because I was screaming from the pain. It wasn’t constant. It wasn’t like the pressure migraines or sinus migraines or other headaches I’ve ever gotten. This was something completely new to me. Like my head was a log and Paul Bunyan was attempting to split it open with his axe. I got out of bed to get some water cause my throat was dry from screaming. I don’t remember the last time I woke up from my own screaming. Around 8am, my alarm went off. A little earlier than I was really ready to get up, but the headache was gone. Least I thought it was. Until I opened my eyes and sat up. Then the pressure of those familiar migraines began. I got some medication and got back into bed with more water, planning on getting out once they kicked in. About an hour later, my radio went off again. I sat up and looked out my bedroom door into the living room. I thought about what I needed to do – ie, shower, practice, meetings, etc. All of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t breath. The world started to spin and I was lightheaded. Thinking maybe I was just hungry or dehydrated, I tried to get out of bed. I was terrified. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t put my foot on the ground. Why? I don’t know! I was shaking so badly. It was only 9am, so I decided to go back to sleep and try again in an hour. I didn’t wake up again until almost 11am, but who really cares? I tried to get up again, but this time I couldn’t even sit up. About this point, I started getting annoyed and frustrated. What is happening to me? What the hell was my problem? I heard voices outside my apartment and literally ducked under my covers. I was scared of the people outside my apartment. Scared! My door was locked. I know because I check it a million times before I go to sleep. AND I always lock it when I get inside. Both annoying but persistent habits. And let me comment on the “outside of my apartment.” These apartments are strip apartments. So my door opens to an outside sidewalk that many other people use to go to and from their own apartments. Those voices were not stopping outside my apartment, they were simply passing by. So why was I shaking under my covers? This lasted just about all day. I slept a little, but mostly only after I wore myself out trying to get out of bed. Even typing that doesn’t sound right.

I finally managed to get out of bed around four o’clock and made it to my couch. Its too long of an annoying and stupid process, but I got dressed, put my contacts in and made some food. I even did some of the dishes. But all of that took convincing, took immense effort and control. WHAT?! The simplest things in the world, like getting out of bed and getting dressed, literally took me all day to do. I can’t function like this. I have things that need to be done. I have things I actually wanted to accomplish. But I got out of bed and got dressed. I made parmesan fries and mac ‘n’ cheese. Ohh, and one more thing. I called my landlord and said I did want the apartment next year. I’ve been putting it off because I don’t know whats going to happen to me right now. But I decided that it would be probably easier to get out of the lease in May than to try and get in. I don’t know. But I did make that phone call. So basically I accomplished one thing today outside of normal get-up-and-go stuff. But I didn’t leave my apartment. I thought about it. I really did. I thought about going on campus and practicing. I thought about practicing oboe or making reeds. But the making of the reeds made me think of knives and razor blades and other things I wanted to do with them. Things I don’t want to do, but I do want to do.

I’m seriously that cartoon character with an angel on one side and a devil on the other. Except there’s usually more than just those two, and the angle’s not pure white and the devil’s not pure evil. All these voices knocking around in my head, arguing and yelling, telling me what I should do or think. I hate the advice of “Listen to yourself. To that voice inside and do what it tells you.” They think I’m joking when I ask them which one I should listen to. They tell me I’m not focusing enough, I’m not relaxed enough. I need to meditate, calm and find my center. I need to find a stilleto and ram it up THEIR….

Okay, so maybe the calm thing wouldn’t be such a bad idea. But I’m frustrated and tired of failing and screwing up. Sunday was a pretty good day. Extremely busy and at times utterly frustrating, but it was a pretty good day. I went to church, then to orchestra rehearsal and then right over to Sarah’s recital. After the reception Sarah’s dad took Sarah, Kelly and I out to Applebee’s where I ate entirely too much. I wasn’t even hungry to begin with. But I had fun. I smiled and enjoyed the moment. Least I tried to.

I go to church because that’s what I do on Sunday. It’s also a paying job, but that’s Sunday in my world, my upbringing. So I go. I went to orchestra because, well I need to play and get experience. Fun? I don’t know that I’d say it was fun, but it was something to do to keep me playing. I went to Sarah’s recital to support Sarah. I’ve said it a million times. I may play the oboe (some days loving it more than others) but I really don’t particularly like listening to oboe recitals. That’s partly why I hate asking people to come listen to me play. I invite people and its not that I don’t want them there. But I can understand how some people don’t like the sound of the instrument. Because 9 times out of 10, I don’t like the sound of it. Even when I’m the one making it. I am a very critical musician when it comes to that. But I can go and support my friends and listen to their recitals and whatnot. Sarah has been a good friend to me, and honestly she has gotten so much better than last year. She’s made major improvements and I wanted to be there to share her triumph and the “I’m done!” giddiness that follows. I didn’t really want to go out to eat. Not because I don’t like Sarah, or her dad or Kelly. I just wasn’t hungry, or had money to pay for the food I didn’t want. I was also getting to the end of my ability to deal with people. But Sarah’s dad it was on him. And Sarah said she wanted me to come. So I went. And it was fine. We laughed and ate and talked and it was fine. But I was ready to not be around people hours before that. So it was trying for me. Just a little.

Maybe that’s why today was so hard. Because yesterday was so much facade. I can’t take down that facade anymore. I was never good at it anyways. I always have a face up for people, for the world. I need to be professional. I can’t tell people excatly what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling because they won’t understand. And then they’ll lock me up. I have to be okay. I have to go forward. I have to pretend. Act as if you have faith and you will have faith. Fake it till you make it. Except in my case it tends to be “Fake it until you break it.” The people with whom I can be completely honest with, completely me with are becoming fewer and farther away.

So now that its 4am and I have a meeting with my advisor and a lesson tomorrow, I suppose I should attempt to get some real sleep. Oh and a rehearsal in PA. GREAT! So in a few hours the mask will go back up and I’ll start pretending again. Maybe this headache will be gone though.