convince our hearts they’d be ok
Okay, I kinda give up. I’m trying so hard not to need him and flip out and freak… except right now that is really, really hard.
I woke up at 10pm to my phone ringing, Jared calling. I was not awake enough to answer the phone, but somewhere in my sleep deprived mind, it registered that I needed to leave for work in 30 minutes. Except it didn’t fully sink in for another twenty minutes. So I had ten minutes to wake myself up, get dressed, gather my crap and get my ass in the car. I was shaking from… honestly, I don’t know. I felt like any minute I would fall over or collapse in a heap. But I had to get to work. I was training Clarissa, Erika was on vacation and knew Becca was already mad at me. Calling off work now would be a very, very bad idea. I got Tim Horton’s and took comfort in the fact that Clarissa would be doing most of the work tonight. That is, if I had done my job correctly and explained everything clearly enough in dummy audit.
I got to the hotel and asked Clarissa if she saw Becca tonight. She had indeed and oh, was Becca ever mad at me. There was water all over the floor and hallway….
Wait, what?! Water in the hallway? What in the world?! How did a credit card problem turn into a flooding hallway?!
Remember that drunk guest from my last entry? The one I gave my last no-show room to at 5am so he wouldn’t have to sleep in his car? Oh yah, the genius decided to take a bath but fell asleep in the tub with the water running. As he had been so drunk the night before and his wallet and credit card were all in his room with his brother, I hadn’t taken any information. I was, of course, under the impression that he would only be sleeping in the room, not attempting to turn it into an aquarium!
So it was a mad house this morning on top of sixty-plus check outs and now a flooded hallway and room. Seriously, I’m going to be fired.
I said as much to Clarissa and she was confused. I explained about the other issue which is why I thought Rebecca was calling this morning. Not sure much, huh. She told me I was being insane. Nearly everyone has made the same mistake before and some more than once. She pointed out I have no write-ups and there is no way they can replace the audit position that fast.
Course she made things worse when she told me Rebecca had hinted there would be some serious firings happening this week at the front desk.
I nearly lost it again. Clarissa kept telling me that it couldn’t be me, and maybe she is right. Except she also doesn’t know for sure who it is. We have our suspicions, but no proof until it actually happens.
And then there was another issue with a guest who has been unhappy from the moment they checked in. And its a longer complicated story I don’t care to retell. But I feel like this weekend I’m pretty much more of a liability than an asset to the hotel.
I know I need to give up the self-pity and just move on, but I really hate this. I’ve spent most of the night after Clarissa left beating myself up for so many mistakes.
And here’s the kicker for me through all this right now. The only person I want is Mike. I want to have him wrap his arms around me and just hold on. Let me cry and telling me things will be okay. Short of that, I want to talk to him. But I’m trying so hard not to be the whining, clingy, overly-needy girl. I also don’t want to admit I need him and then find he can’t do this. That I’m suffocating him and he was wrong and this could never work out.
I know that I seem to be having a really tough week. He drops this huge bomb on me and I’m freaking out all week because of it. I finally start to accept it and relax and be okay and then shit hits the fan at work. And now that I’ve opened this door of emotions, the only person I want to touch, see or talk to is him. And I’m back to wanting to call him every eight hours, desperate to hear his voice.
God I really hate being a girl sometimes. I really hate that I’m trying so incredibly hard and it just doesn’t seem like enough. I still can’t get myself to trust him and open up and tell him what the hell is going on. I know he had a tough weekend too and I don’t want to make it worse for him.
Ugh. I don’t think there’s been a single night this week where I haven’t started crying at work over one thing or another.
I didn’t realize it, but this song fits me perfectly right now. I used to associate it more with post-Manny-ness. And its somewhat relevant there. But so much more now to this situation. I want to try. I will try. But its not like I can and its not like he can convince our hearts they’ll be okay.
It is not like,
no its not like me to fall
to the very bottom.
No its not like me at all.
But I know now
that I cannot hide the pain
cause it cuts too deeply
to a point I can’t explain.
But its not like I could
and its not like she could
convince our hearts they’d be ok.
So we learn the hard way
while our hearts, our hearts they,
They broke in two but i can say i’ll try.
You are not her.
You will never be her.
You are you and you are
more than I think I deserve.
Still I treat you
like a love I had before
you are so much stronger
than I give you credit for.
But its not like I can
and its not like you can
convince our hearts they’ll be ok.
No I don’t know if I can
put my faith in you and
God, I hope to find the strength to say I’ll try.
You find strength in me I can not find.
I’ve got to leave the past behind.
I’ve got to realize.
I’ve got to open up my eyes.
Lift my head up.
Oh I’ve got to try.
Now its time to realize.
I’ve got to get past all the lies.
No compromise.
Apologize to the one you hurt so bad inside.
I’ve got realize
I’ve got open up my eyes.
Lift my head up
Oh I’ve got to try.
Its been so hard
always wondering when
I could put my heart on,
put it on the line again.
But the strength in,
in your eyes has let me see
all the strength that I have.
All the strength I have in me.
But its not like I can
and its not like you can
convince our hearts they’ll be ok.
But I know that I can
put my faith in you and
I have finally found the strength to say I’ll try.
I’ll Try ~ Sons of Pitches