Comforting Destruction

Friends are important.  Old friends are even more important.  They can see changes, see patterns re-emerging and help you stop them.  Which may be why I keep everyone at arm’s length.  Get too close and I’ll start shutting you out.  Especially when you might see a pattern reforming.  When you might try to stop me from doing what I’m doing.

I’ve never understood destructive behavior.  I have destructive behavior and I am destructing my life, but I still don’t understand it.  I’m destroying my life, but for the life of me I can’t figure out how to stop this.  How to retrace my steps.  How to ask for help and put a stop to the pattern.  Return to the person I was.  Just months ago, I was complaining that I didn’t like the "new me".  Its not that I didn’t like her, its that I wasn’t used to her.  I felt uncomfortable because all of a sudden I was something other than the destructive version that had been around for years.  I was happy.  I was excited.  I was Life.  It was great, although absolutely terrifying.

I’m back to my destructive ways now.  I’m back to the person I’ve been for the better part of my 20s.  I’m back to that screwed-up kid who wishes everything would just end.  My best friends are fictional characters and the voices in my head.  I’m pushing everyone who might help me away and pulling other destructive forces closer to me.  While this is not a good person, or someone I really want to be, its the person I’m used to.  Its the person I know best.

Which should be comforting, and it is.  Except my life is spinning out of control.  And faster than ever before.

So why can’t I stop it?  Why can’t I just grow and set and ask for help?  Why can’t I just fix this and get back to who I should be?  Who I’m actually meant to be?  What the hell is wrong with me?