collision between ordinary and imaginary life

I will get to the questions, I promise. But there’s other things I need to get out first….

I’m tired of defending myself. I’m tired of being treated like I’m less than a human being. I’m tired of trying so hard and being told its not good enough. I don’t know what else they want out of me. I clean the apartment without being asked. I empty the garbage without being asked. And still I’m irresponsible. I know I’m not perfect, but damn it, I’m trying to get better. I think a lot of this stems from the different in our definition of “dirty and needs to be taken care of.” I also work better when I know that a certain weekday is when things happen. I feel like Jenn and I tried that scenario but Mel refused to take part in it. She shot it down like a lame horse. At that point, I told Jenn I’d try, but I really didn’t think it would work out unless I knew that something was my responsibility. Just do it whenever doesn’t work for me. Cause I’ll wait till there are no clean dishes to start washing them. I’ll wait until the garbage is beyond overflowing before thinking about changing it.

Ok – so Jenn and I just talked. This all got started because Mel sent me an IM that among other things said that she and Jenn thought I was being irresponsibe, etc. I honestly no longer care what she thinks but I thought Jenn and I were ok. So I immed Jenn before I left in the morning and asked her if she did think all these things. The IM that I got when I finally returned to the apartment after a really long day basically said that she did think I was irresponsible. But she did want to talk about it. More than anything she wanted me to respond in some way.

So we just talked. I told her I thought I had been better. I told her that I was trying and I didn’t really know what else I could do. I cleaned the apartment last weekend and I’ve been keeping an eye on the garbage. I asked what else she wanted me to do because I really didn’t know what else she wanted from me. After I was finished, she admitted that I was trying and doing a lot better. She’s still reliving frustrations from before and she needs to just let it go. But she said that now she realized that I was doing better and she appreciated it.

So its better.

She and I also talked about this weekend and all our issues. I told her that I know its easier for her not to invite me out sometimes because she knows Mel will get all upset. And I told her most of the time, I didn’t want to go out. I just wanted to stay home and be by myself or play WoW or whatever. But I felt that she was sometimes taking the easier road and ignoring me rather than really standing up for what is right. I think she understands. I think she feels overly responsible for me. She said she thinks I don’t have friends or do anything with other people. I told her that it wasn’t true; I do plenty of things with my ‘other’ friends. I’m just way more of a loner than she is. So my point – things are back to what they were with Jenn and I.

But I’ve started to think that perhaps having a roommate is a bad idea. Maybe I’m just one of those people who shouldn’t live with other people. I need to have my own apartment and my own space. So I’m still thinking about what will happen next year. The single apartments next door are horrible. Seriously, I’d kill myself if I lived there. So I’m just biding my time and waiting. I guess I feel that it will somehow work out. I’m keeping my ears open and whatnot, but I have too many other things to worry about to spend so much time stressing over my living situation for next year. Yah. I’m so ready for Thanksgiving.

Its just been bad lately. Too much thoughts about my silver friends….

No more will i play along
and no more will i tell myself, how it’s gonna be from now on
because i’ve been stalling in between, and i’ve been dragging my feet
making bets that this isn’t happening

and i sleepwalk around
two feet off the ground,
while the real world is trying to reach me
and when the rain comes down
i see it all now

standing on the great divide
of some collision between ordinary and imaginary life
and this could be your luck day, ’cause if tomorrow ever comes
you’ll be looking, looking the other way

and you sleepwalk around
two feet off the ground,
while the real world is trying to reach you
with stories that you already knew
it pulls you and pushes you

and you sleepwalk around
two feet off the ground,
while the real world is trying to reach you
and when the rain comes down,
you find yourself now,
nowhere, nowhere, nowhere

Song for a Sleepwalker ~ Something for Kate