catch the moon, one-handed catch

Mile 327, Kevin & Cindy’s in Ohio

Spring Break has begun! Well, it really began Friday night but I had to get my car fixed before I could start my roadtrip, so I don’t consider Spring Break started until then. I took it to a place my uncle knows and got it taken care of on Saturday. I needed a new muffler and tailpipe. My car sounded like a jet engine taking off. Now it sounds like a kitty purring, when you can hear it at all. They also figured out why my heater wasn’t working, which was my own fault (lack of coolant) but its ok now. I was going to drive to Ohio on Saturday, but I got to Rochester around 1:30am and stayed up with my uncle for a while. Then my car wasn’t ready until nearly 4pm and I ended up staying for dinner. When I finally made the decision to stay, Geoff said he was relieved because he would have tried to talk me out of leaving. He knew how late I had stayed up and he didn’t want me to be driving when I was so tired. Which really was a good idea. I had planned on getting up before noon on Sunday to leave, but that didn’t really happen. Their pullout is downstairs in the basement, which has one tiny window. Without the sun to really wake me, I can sleep for hours down there. Drisha’s church was having a chicken barbeque to raise money for their youth trip, and Gibs and I spilt one of the dinners before I left. I didn’t get to Ohio until almost 8pm. I really wanted to be here earlier, but thats just the way life goes. Cindy was exhausted when I got here, and Kevin had to work overnight, so I ended up having some time to catch up on Calculus homework. I have quite a bit I need to do before I go back to school. Kevin woke me up around 8 when he got home for work, and he’s now gone to bed. It’s started to do ugly things outside like sleet/rain/ice, so I think I’ll hang here for a bit longer before taking off. I’ll be driving into warmer weather, so I’ll just have rain. Probably about 4-5 hours to get to Indy today.

Four or five hours in a car can be good, but they allow my mind to wander and think. That’s not always such a good thing. I do have an audiobook to listen to, but I just couldn’t get into it lately. I drove quite a bit of the way here with no music, no book, just talking to myself.

I’m back on the fence about grad school and which continent I’d like to go to. A lot of my family is planning on trying to make it to my junior or senior recital. (**Note – Shazar, I wanted to talk to you about that.***) Its going to be great to have family in the audience to support me. Something struck me while setting up for my recital. If I go to grad school in Europe, which means I’ll probably get a job over there, the chances of friends and family coming to hear my concerts – any of them – diminishes greatly. Not like I ever expected them to come to all of them, but if I’m on a different continent, the chances are that much smaller. I mentioned that to my mom and she pointed out that by the time I graduate from grad school and get a job, she and my father will probably be retired, or close enough that they would be able to travel and come see me. I know she’d love to go to Europe and my dad wouldn’t mind either if there was a good reason. But what about friends? What about the people I am meeting now in Fredonia? When Jenn said she didn’t see us as friends after college, it really hurt. I never got the chance to really ask her about it though. I don’t know what made her say such a thing, but let’s be honest here. How many of my college friends will I still talk to once I move to Europe? Am I holding myself back from them? Am I sabatoging relationships because there is a part of me that knows they won’t last? Am I any better than Jenn?

I have my friends from high school, those friends that have stuck with me, even if we don’t talk every day or every month. They are still my friends and they are still in my life. But I knew those friends a lot longer when we all broke apart compared to how long I’ll know my Fred friends. I’m not saying that I’m not making friends here, but am I keeping a piece of myself from them because I know I’ll be leaving? And not just leaving the town or the state, or even the country, which around here is not uncommon. But I’ll be moving around the world! You won’t be able to drive to where I am from the States. It just won’t be possible.

Is that why I feel so safe with Mike? Cause there’s a part of me that believes I’ll leave him? I’ll be the one walking away. Our relationship is going nowhere (right?) but its comfortable and makes me happy for now. We are both content to just leave it as it is with no thought of it progressing because we know it won’t go anywhere. I don’t want to date anyone in college because I’m not staying in that area. A lot of people at Fred are looking for an MRS degree, besides whatever they are studying. That’s fine. I’m not knocking the MRS degree; my dad got one his first time through college. But I’m not looking to get married and settle down in Fredonia. So why start a new relationship that won’t end anywhere good? I already have a doomed relationship.

Or is that what I really want?

I’ve said that music is important and a huge part of my life, but if Mr. Right-for-Me comes along, I’d jump. I would never be able to completely abandon music and remove it from my life, but more than music, I want a family. I want to be a mom and raise kids. I’ve wanted that before I even knew what I wanted. That is what would make me happy.

Or would it?

My biggest fear is that the old adage “The grass is greener on the other side” is really my problem. What if I get the family and kids and loving husband? What if all my dreams come true and I’m not happy? What if I only think thats what I want, but in reality I’m just not happy with oboe and music right now? You want what you can’t have. I can’t have the husband and the family right now. Mr. Right-for-Me-Right-Now hasn’t appeared yet, so I can’t have that Norman Rockwell picture yet. Don’t get me wrong though. I’m not saying that raising a family is going to be easier or that there won’t be trials I’ll have to go through. Life isn’t perfect. Things aren’t always the way we want. I know that. But I still want that family.

So which is more important? Which do I really want? Would I sacrifice one for the other? Would I sacrifice the dream of one, for the dream of the other?

Mike has made it clear he’s not looking for marriage right now. Do I get frustrated with him because I’m not looking for it, but its always a part of meeting people and getting to know them?

So the question “Where am I going to grad school?” used to mean “Which school in Europe do I want to apply to?” Now it seems to mean a lot more. A lot more hangs in the balance.

I won’t give up on music and oboe to chase Mike to Texas. And he won’t give up the Merchant Marines to chase me to Europe. Neither of us want the other to give up dreams. I’m not mad at him for not chasing me. I’ve seen him unhappy with his life and I don’t want that for him. But where does that leave us? Are we both so stubborn and clinging to dreams that we are missing out on the bigger picture? The true happiness? There is always the chance that he and I are not it. If we’re not, we’re not. I wouldn’t want him to give up something or give up something myself to chase the idea of him and I, when it won’t work out anyways. I suppose that’s what life is though. You never know what’s coming. You just have to make a decision and see it through.

Ok. So what’s my decision?

Could be!
Who knows?
There’s something due any day;
I will know right away,
Soon as it shows.
It may come cannonballing down through the sky,
Gleam in its eye,
Bright as a rose!

Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there’s a miracle due,
Gonna come true,
Coming to me!

Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something’s coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something’s coming, I don’t know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!

With a click, with a shock,
Phone’ll jingle, door’ll knock,
Open the latch!
Something’s coming, don’t know when, but it’s soon;
Catch the moon,
One-handed catch!

Around the corner,
Or whistling down the river,
Come on, deliver
To me!
Will it be? Yes, it will.
Maybe just by holding still,
It’ll be there!

Come on, something, come on in, don’t be shy,
Meet a guy,
Pull up a chair!
The air is humming,
And something great is coming!
Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Maybe tonight . . .

Something’s Coming ~ West Side Story