Catch 22

So my mood lately has been artificially high. I’m stressing and worrying and being normal me, but trying to keep myself busy and not thinking about all that. I haven’t gone to Italian class in forever. I want to cry, pretty much all the time. But I just keep going, keep pretending, looking for just a little bit of joy, a little bit of laughter in anyplace that I can. Such is my life. I’m depressed. Not suicidally depressed, but definitly not in the “norm.”

I had a lesson today and Doc said that she felt I was doing really well. She could hear the energy and emotion in my music. As I was walking down the hallway, I realized that I was bottling up all my emotions. I didn’t want to burst into manicial laughter or hysterical tears, so I was just keeping everything at bay. Which has to come out somewhere, and it was coming out in my music. I feel a release after playing. I’m putting all my emotions into my music. Which is really cool, cause it sounds good.

It’s really not cool because it means I’m not feeling. Gotta love that catch twenty-two!