But see I’m weak and incessinct

I’ve been turning this question over in my head a few times. Do we ever really move on, or just on to the next boyfriend?

My New Year’s was pretty good. Except for the small episode with the pictures. Some how, after a few too many shots and waiting for my parents to come home, the topic of Tim came up. I decided to dig up the old photographs of our prom and brought them out to share. The wave of memories that followed was overwelming. It amazes and annoys me to no end that I can’t seem to get over him. Where is the user’s manual to my heart? I need the section on heartaches. I don’t know if this is “first true love” heartache, which will never go away, or if this is “I’m still not over it” heartache. This is now three years, four months and counting. Wouldn’t you think I would be able to look at a picture of us standing together and not fall apart. Brian found me sitting in this state of shock and I have no idea how long I was there. I know Tim wasn’t perfect and I know that it probably wouldn’t have worked out, but he was wonderful. For all his faults and shortcomings, I haven’t yet found someone to come close to measuring up to him. He was everything I wanted and I don’t know if there is anyone else out there like him.

I know I should be more optomistic. I know that I am still young and all that, but I was the only one sleeping alone on New Year’s Eve. Annemarie and I were talking after the party while I was cleaning up and I told her I didn’t want to have sex again until I was in a relationship. Her answer was that casual sex can be a good thing. But its the only thing I’ve had and I’m tired of it. I want something more. I think I deserve something more. I know I deserve more. The thing that really depresses me right now is that there are no guys I know who I’m prepared to have a serious relationship with.

Little Brian and I went to Perkins the other night. It was beyond wonderful to just be able to sit and talk with him. I forgot how great it is to just be with him. As Eric said about Jace, “He thinks.” I so miss all of the Tuesday night conversations we used to have. I absolutly adore him. I’m going to miss him so very much when I go away to college. He and I do not have an email or im relationship. We have a sit down, drink coffee and talk kind of relationship. I adore him so much. He gave me a kiss when he got out of the car and made me realize how much I really do love him. But then I got to thinking. I love all of my guy friends. I adore each and everyone of them, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be friends with them to begin with. Girls are different. I do love most of my girlfriends, but sometimes I don’t adore them all, not the way I do my guy friends. Things are so much more black and white with guys. There is too much gray with girls.

If anyone sees that owner’s manual, please let me know.

Give me an answer
Why this cancer eats me away
How this restlessness
Could turn into a day.
I fear what comes first
The things that hide in the night
But I’m quaking, and shaking
Even now that it’s light

And no I don’t feel right
I can see but I’ve lost my sight
I’m high, so high
Like Ben Franklin’s Kite

And maybe you’ll find me
On another lonely street
By the smell of summer,
after she rains
Maybe you’ll loose me
All together in her heat
Let this humid air
Take away my pain

And no I don’t feel right
I can see but I’ve lost my sight
’cause I’m high, so high
Like Ben Franklin’s Kite

Maybe you’re weary
You always stand so tall
Maybe you, holier than thou
Will make me crawl
I don’t claim to be better
I don’t think that you do
But see I’m weak and incessinct
My addictions the proof

And no I don’t feel right
I can see but I’ve lost my sight
I’m high, so high
Like Ben Franklin’s Kite

And maybe I’m crazy
But lightning might strike me tonight
And Maybe I’m crazy
But lightning might strike me tonight

Ben Franklin’s Kite ~ Something Corporate