but now i feel like i don’t know you

Twelve in12

Reading: The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

Finished: Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire

Date:Thursday 11/8/2007Time:11:34 pmMood Level:NormalSeverity:NormalAnxiety:2=ModerateIrritability:1=MildHours Slept:Opps!Medication:100mg Lamictal

Yeah, so I didn’t sleep last night. I was working on my Baroque studying and I realized how much work I had to do. So I decided to just stay up all night and work. I made a pot and a half of coffee. And I just worked. It made for an interesting day. I took a little two hour name before my tech class and it helped.

Baboon had some major meltdown because the guy she was screwing sent her a message. Rob told me he heard through the grapevine of musicians that his wife had left him and they were getting a divorce. So she was flipping out a little bit. I understand that feeling, but I was a little annoyed. I had things to do and I honestly didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to talk about Mike and all I got from her was “Oh, well that’s just like me and Mark…” and suddenly I’m comforting her. Its just a little annoying. I’m still a little annoyed about Dustin’s wedding too. So I was a little snippy and told her to deal with it and get over it. That’s a big difference between me and her. She’s a Southern belle who wants to be wooed and pursued. I’m a New York bitch who won’t be screwed around. She was flipping out because she didn’t know what he wanted or when he’d contact her again. She made a huge deal about how she had so much going on, but now all she wanted to do was sit by the phone and wait for his call. I told her to send him an email that she was busy with her actual life and while she’d love to talk to him, she did have things to do. I don’t what she ended up writing, but she did call another friend of hers and left me alone.

During Baroque class tonight, there was a piano being played in the room next to us. I don’t know who it was or why they were playing. But they were just doodling and fooling around, which didn’t bother me. My prof was talking in circles and asking things like “What color is the White House?” so I really wasn’t listening all that closely. I started to write out the details of my recital weekend, which I will post with a few pictures one of these days. Anyways, all of a sudden I heard the piano switching and starting to play the opening rifts of Konstantine! Seriously? I mean, come on. I don’t need that right now. I don’t need that song haunting me. That’s one of the good things about that song – not many people have heard it and its not constantly played on movies or on the radio. I was so tired and annoyed with being in class, I ended up crying until they stopped playing. Thankfully I was sitting in the back and was able to retain control over myself. I spent some time thinking about the whole Manny situation and I stil don’t know what to do. I called him on Monday to talk about Heroes but he was out with his dad and had missed it. So that conversation was short. He hasn’t called and I don’t want to call either. I don’t want to make a huge deal about this right now. I’m just not going to call right now. I’m going to give myself space from him to sort some things out. I’m pretty sure I’m going home for Thanksgiving, but he’ll be in Kentuckey or something visiting his girl. I don’t want to cause huge scenes and drama. I just need some space and some time. If he starts invading or pushing, I’ll tell him to take a step back. But if he allows me that space, I don’t see a reason to cause a fight or drama or anything. I just need something to get him out of my head and out of my heart. Maybe he can’t be that close anymore. Maybe I need to throw him back over the wall a bit. Maybe I need to have a part of me that he can’t see, that he can’t understand. I need to have a part of me away from him. I need to have a clean break. But I don’t want to let this go.

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won’t hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don’t get me wrong

Because I’ll never let this go
But I can’t find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
But now I feel like I don’t know you

One day you’ll get sick of
saying that everything’s alright
And by then I’m sure I’ll be pretending
Just like I am tonight

Please don’t get me wrong

Because I’ll never let this go
But I can’t find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
But now I feel like I don’t know you

Let this go, let this go

But I’ll never let this go
But I can’t find the words to tell you
I don’t want to be alone
But now I feel like I don’t know you

And I’ll never let this go
But I can’t find the words to tell you
That now I feel like I don’t know you

Never Let This Go ~ Paramore