but life still goes on

Ahhh!  New year!  New chapter!  New lyrics?

I have no idea what they shall be.  How I wish I could know what this year’s theme is going to be.  What is this year’s motif?  I don’t really know.  I’ve been sick the first few days of this year and I’m really hoping this won’t be the theme.  I am however still haunted by this idea of Dreams.  What are my Dreams?  What are my goals?  What is on my bucket list?  What can I control and what do I have to just… let happen as it happens?

I want to be married.  I want kids.  The more time that passes, the more I am convinced I want to move back to the Hudson Valley, or at the very least, New York State.  Its not that I’m unsure, but I don’t know if I’m running away from the unknown in fear.  I think I picked the very worst state and within that state the very worst area to try and plant roots down.  This is the hardest area to transplant yourself into.  There are cliques upon cliques within cliques that stand against cliques with other cliques.  If you aren’t part of that inner circle, you can find yourself standing on the outside always looking in.

I suppose that’s why I like Gossip Girl so much.  Besides the good-looking men and petty drama (which makes me grateful for a boring life), it follows the path of a boy from Brooklyn who so very much wants to be part of the In-Crowd on the Upper East Side.  He writes a book called "Inside" and eventually starts a magazine series about trying to break into that elite crowd.  But no matter how hard he tries, they continually close ranks and shut him out.  Its not like no one will be his friend and no one speaks to him.  They do befriend him and bring him into their group – to a point.  But they always circle back to closing ranks, shutting him out and throwing his status back in his face.  He is never allowed to forget, covertly or overtly, that he doesn’t really belong.  He’s always on the outside looking in, yet always fighting to get in.

Perhaps what makes it worse is that I have a crowd.  I have people.  I’m with them.  They’re just not here.  Covertly and overtly, at every turn, I’m reminded that I don’t really belong here.  I’m not really a part of this place.  I’m always on the outside here.  But I know what its like to be part of something.  Which makes the not belonging all the more harder to bear.

I’m starting to feel like all I get is lip service.  "We would miss you so terribly."  "We need you to stay here."  "How can we survive without you?"  Funny thing is, I think after I’ve been gone for less than half the time they knew me, they’d completely forget me.  Its one of the tragedies of Facebook.  You’re forever connected.  You can pretend to forever remember someone.  You can post wishes on their birthday and like their funny status updates.  But in reality, certain people fade from our lives.  They were there for a time, an important time, and then…  The time passes and the friendship fades.  Thats okay.  There will be friendships that are able to stand great distance and time apart to reignite the moment they are together again.  There are friendships that will endure time, but there are friendships that are strengthened with time.

Facebook may make it easier to keep connected to everybody, but I feel it also makes it harder to stay connected with the people who matter most.  Perhaps that is why I’m glad my parents don’t use Facebook.  Sure I have friendships that continue outside Facebook because they are old enough or strong enough or important enough.  But all that time I spend scrolling through a couple hundred friends posting another cute kitty poster or another chain post, couldn’t I be spending that writing a note?  Or an email?  Or chatting on AIM?  Or actually calling on the phone and talking?  Or writing a card?  Or visiting in person?

I think I’m wandering from my point here a bit (tends to happen when I write while I’m at work).  The majority of the people here in Michigan, these people who "can’t live without me" would fade away as soon as I left the state.  Hardly any of them travel outside the state, let alone venture all the way to New York.  Fewer of them would consider going to New York just to see me.

Alright to be fair – how many of my non-Michigan friends have come to see me?  A pathetic few.  But they call.  They send gifts.  They beg to see me when I travel home for a vacation.  They make time to see me.  They put aside sleep or work to spend a few precious hours with me.  I can’t help but wonder how many calls or gifts or cards would I receive once I leave Michigan?  Or how many personalized Facebook posts would I get?  Considering I’ve barely seen the church secretaries since stepping down at church, I’m really not sure.  Carly has texted me and gave me a little puppy chow (she knows how I adore it) for Christmas.  It wasn’t the item or the amount or the cost, but the effort and thought. She knows I love puppy chow but won’t make it for myself.  She sought me out and gave me a little tin at Christmas.  Thoughtful and kind.  This year, I didn’t even get a Christmas card from Sara.

I’m cranky and grumpy.  I know.  Post-Christmas blues.  New Years Eve Party of Pathetic.  I miss my friends.  I’m not sure if going to Indy for New Years would have been any better.  Watching my cousin and his friends really only makes me miss my own friends more.  But the little "party" we had on New Years Eve was really quite pathetic too.  Thats not entirely true.  It wasn’t pathetic.  But it wasn’t celebratory.  We didn’t really do anything different from every other night.  It wasn’t special.  It didn’t mark anything.  It just existed.

That is kind of how I feel in Michigan.  I exist.  I feel more and more like I’m becoming a Stepford wife, minus the husband and perfect hair.  But I’m drowning.  I feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin.  I’m in a holding pattern, unable to break free.  Maybe thats gotta be the theme this year, my motif.  I need to snap out of this mere existence.  Whether its going back to New York or leaving Michigan – I need to snap myself out of this.  I need… I want to break free.

I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You’re so self satisfied I don’t need you
I’ve got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free.

I’ve fallen in love
I’ve fallen in love for the first time

And this time I know it’s for real
I’ve fallen in love, yeah
God knows, God knows I’ve fallen in love.

It’s strange but it’s true
I can’t get over the way you love me like you do
But I have to be sure
When I walk out that door
Oh how I want to be free, baby <br/>
Oh how I want to be free,
Oh how I want to break free.

But life still goes on
I can’t get used to, living without, living without,
Living without you by my side
I don’t want to live alone, hey
God knows, got to make it on my own
So baby can’t you see
I’ve got to break free.

I’ve got to break free
I want to break free, yeah
I want, I want, I want, I want to break free.

I Want to Break Free ~ Queen