but i’ll let you decide

There are some days when I just look around me and really wonder what in God’s green earth am I doing in Michigan, especially THAT town in Michigan.  What could have possibly possessed me to think going back there was a good plan?  But I try to ignore those thoughts and just go forward with my life.  Keep placing one foot in front of the other.

I like my new neighbor, to a point.  Jared’s not the brightest crayon in the box.  I’m really not trying to be mean here, but we’re just on different wave lengths sometimes.  He’s still a bit young and immature, although there are moments when I see this glimpse of an amazing man.  Then its back to the little boy crap.  I said something about how I really would like to go up to the UP and see the fall colors, or just see mountains!  I miss NY and the fall colors so much it physically hurts me in the fall.  Fall used to be my favorite time of year.  The crisp weather, the beautiful colors, the apples, the cider, the warm days and cool nights – I just loved fall.  But out here its incredibly incomplete without those beautiful fall colors.  Every once in a great while, I catch a glimpse of a hillside blazing with reds and browns and yellows.  But they are few and far between.  I used to have that kind of view every fall day on my way to work, and not just a glimpse.  It makes me sad for fall and just want winter to come faster.  Fall now is a reminder of everything I miss in NY.  
 
I mentioned something about this to Jared.  His response was that once he gets new tires on his car, he’ll take me up there for a long weekend.  Grab a few sleeping bags and just go.  How sweet is that?  And then he’s back to his immaturity.  I can’t even really describe it.  But its all the things my various guy friends have done or said as they were growing up.  But for right now, we enjoy each other’s company.  
Although I miss Mike ridiculously more and more.  The more I get to know Jared, the more I miss NY and Mike.  Its absolutely insane and makes me crazy.
 
I talked to Mike today for about 25 minutes or so while I was driving out to Detroit.  I called and he answered saying that he needed to finish some work and could he call back in 30 when he got off work.  No problem.  I was so happy to hear his voice, and even told him so.  I could see my face in my rearview mirror at one point and I had the biggest shit-eating grin.  Just talking to him makes me feel like that.  We talked about his house in San Antonio that wasn’t selling and how his ex-girlfriend/fiancee really screwed him financially.  He’s not that worried, but he took a huge hit in that relationship.  I can still hear how hurt he is, and cautious.  Even just talking to me, 1400 miles away.  But he’s moving forward the best he can and trying to pick up the pieces.
 
He and I had texted a while about because I was drunk and told him I was mad that he had spoiled me.  It was a pretty amusing conversation, but he brought it back up.  And although I’m not longer drunk, I stand by my statement.  He spoiled me so much and ruined me for other men.  He asked if I had any interesting guys out here, and I alluded to Jared as being alright for now.  He asked if Jared treated me well and I told him about the trip to the UP.  And he thought that was sweet.  "But you’re a good man.  He’s… alright."  Mike laughed and asked why.  I told him that the guy was just not really grown up yet, or not on my wavelength or something.  He chuckled and asked who was better in bed.  I’m not sure I really answered the question, but he already knew the answer.  I told him that it was all his fault because I didn’t have that awkward, bad first-time that a lot of people do.  Not all of it was due to him, but still.  I never went through all that.
 
I was almost to my exit and he was pulling in his driveway, so he ended the conversation by saying that besides being home, we needed to stop talking before he got a boner.  Cracks me up and turns me on.  Jared just… doesn’t.  Not the way that Mike is able to.
 
But its not just sexual or physical.  Mike and I are friends and talk and listen and care.  Another thing that I realized as I talked with Mike is that he is and was and always will be an egotistical bastard.  Take it or leave it, he knows what he can do and what he can’t.  He’s cocky, but I didn’t realize how much I liked a guy like that until Jared.  He’s constantly asking if I like his penis or his cooking or his hair or his apartment or…  GAH!  I’m not dating a girl for this very reason!  I used to be like that too, but Mike made it very clear that if he didn’t like me he wouldn’t still be around.  If he didn’t want to spend time with me (vertically or horizontally), he wouldn’t!  We are adults and get to decide who to spend our leisure time with.  Cocky?  Maybe a little.  Arrogant?  Oh yah!  But thats really okay.
 
I also don’t know how they do it, but when Mike asks if I enjoyed the sex, he’s really asking about me.  He genuinely cares if I enjoyed it or not.  He also quickly figured out what worked with me and what didn’t.  When Jared asks, he’s really about him.  He needs the ego stroke and confidence boost.  Mike stopped asking because he knew that if I didn’t like it or want it, I wouldn’t do it.  He learned how to read me.  Jared has asked every time.  Multiple times.  So I feel like I’m constantly assuring him that everything is okay.  Drives me insane.
 
*Sigh.*  What am I doing in Michigan again?  If I look at just this side of things, then I really should just pack up and leave.  But there is more to it.  Something Jared doesn’t care about and something Mike not only gets, but appreciates.  He knows I miss NY and don’t like Michigan, but he understands that I need to be here right now.  The church is important to me.  I really feel that I am being called to be there at the moment.
 
And in a larger scale, I’m meant to be here for my grandmother.  She moved up from Florida officially over Memorial Day Weekend.  My uncle flew down and helped the movers pack up her things, closed out her apartment and flew back with her.  Today, her things arrived – a week early, but thats better than later.  My uncle and his wife work during the day, so my mom asked if I could drive out and help Grandma unpack and set up today and tomorrow.  They actually were able to unpack a lot of things this evening while she and I went to dinner, but I was the one who set up her cable and telephone and wireless network and computer.  I also was the one who found and fixed the lamp she has from Turkey.  Its beautiful and everyone in the family wants it.  She and I did more unpacking and sorting tonight after they left.  But I’ll be able to spend all day tomorrow with her,sorting things out and running to the store to get another light bulb, making a list of what she needs from the store (another lamp and bookshelf, etc.)  Its not that my aunt and uncle wouldn’t be willing, but they both work full-time jobs during the week.  I don’t.  I’m not losing money by taking the time to come out here and help her.  In fact, I’m probably the only one in the family like that right now.  I’m in a unique position to be able to help her.  So its a very good thing I’m where I am, and in the situation I’m in.
 
For some reason, she and I started talking about Mike.  She told me that she remembers him (hearing about him, not meeting him) and that she had likes him and hoped we would get together (meaning marriage).  I asked her what she remembered about him, out of curiosity considering that I didn’t think I talked that much about him.  She told me that she remembers him calling me in Florida when my grandfather (her husband) passed away.  She remembers me telling her that he thought she was a tough cookie and would be just fine in time.  She thought he was very sweet and funny.  But she also remembers how much happier I looked and sounded after a short conversation with him.  And she remembers there was more than one.  I couldn’t believe she remembered all that, let alone noticed it as she was grieving her own husband.
 
I honestly don’t know what could happen with Mike and I.  We’re always heading in different directions, but at the same time seem to get drawn back together over and over.  My mother once told me that she didn’t think I would ever marry Mike.  But thats when she was still holding out hope that Manny and I would get back together.  I don’t know what to believe or hope or wish for anymore.
 
Its incredibly hard to just trust God that this is where I’m supposed to be and this is what I’m supposed to be doing.  Unfortunately, when I go back to that question and really search, I truly believe I’m where I’m supposed to be.  Its not all bad all the time, and I am doing good work when I get it.  So I keep going.  One foot in front of the other.  Although I tend to spend my nights dreaming of Mike.
 
Wow.  I’m such a sap.
 

I’ve hoped for change,
and it gets better everyday
I’ve hoped for change,
but still I feel the same

There’s something wrong,
cause everybody knows
That we can do this on our own

And we’ve got everybody singing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
We’ve got everybody singing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

We’re doing fine
And it gets better everytime
We’re doing fine
But I’ll let you decide

There’s something wrong,
cause everybody knows
That we can do this on our own

And we’ve got everybody singing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
We’ve got everybody singing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

And I’ll confess
That I can be a little selfish
Yeah I’ll admit
I don’t want you to help me through this
I don’t want to start over again

And we’ve got everybody singing
And we’ve got everybody singing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
And we’ve got everybody singing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

And I’ll confess
That I can be a little selfish, I can, I can
Yeah I’ll admit
I don’t want you to get me through this
I don’t want to start over again
 
Whoa ~ Paramore