Brothers Are Cool

So this weekend I was up North with my parents, my dad’s sister and her family. And my dad now had three guillable, young, impressionable kids to pick on, so his attention was off of me. Which was nice, and Aunt Kathy was so happy because my dad was scaring her kids into wanting to go to bed and stay home and basically leave her alone. And I noticed how my dad picked on her, but still cared about her and listened to her and talked to her. And it wasn’t much, but I also noticed how similar they are, and how much of a MacLeod they both are. How synical they both are. I guess its not just my dad, but it is probably from my grandmother. My granddad is more mellow and like whatever. But my grandmother doesn’t believe anything. Nothing is real and its kinda of annoying. But anyway. Its just cool, having older brothers. And Kathy’s kids are 2 boys and a girl, that order. And Lauren is picked on but the boys pretty much look after her and really are “older brothers.” Even at their young age. And I know how lucky I am to have the family I do, and etc. But I so wish sometimes that I had an older brother.

Now there have been guys in my life who have acted as older brothers, or even just brothers. Guys who look out for me, stand up for me, pick on me, and listen to me. Settle was one of those guys for a long time. He was there from like VA Beach until senior year. Then he went to college, became a serious college boy (and by serious I mean seriously drinking, partying with a bit of studying) and changed. I suppose I changed too. Manny was never a brother to me. I suppose for part of senior year he was. Yah, I guess then he really was. I started to lose Settle with Ellie. And then Manny kinda stepped in. But there was so much I couldn’t and didn’t tell him about me and Tim. I believed that Manny wasn’t in love with me, and I was capable of being friends with him. And after this past year of getting together and breaking up a hundred times, I don’t know if we can ever be that close again. And that makes me sad. Because the relationship I had with Manny in senior year was wonderful. Underlying sexual tension, but the friendship was really good. And I miss it. But he wasn’t really a brother. I guess thats because I feel like he never tells me anything unless I ask and force it out of him. And then its this huge thing.

Anyway so Brothers…..I lost Settle as a brother when I lost Manny as the close friend. They are best friends and so close and so linked. And as I hurt Manny and as I went insane Brian pulled away. And I lost my brother. I still every now and then want him back. That guy I called for no reason, just to talk. The guy I talked to almost every day for a year. Suddenly, he calls me crazy (and not in a good way), stops listening to me and doesn’t care at all. I tell him I really need to talk to him, and he gets highly upset and like, oh I have to listen to her. And so I feel like he doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to be there for me. And this is me. I don’t force myself on anyone. And Settle thinks I overthink things (he should look at Manny!) and says I need to relax. Yah, that really helps. But whatever. If he doensn’t want to help me, I won’t make him. But I have now lost two of my closest friends from high school. Guys I thought would be at my wedding and guys whose kids would call me aunt and mine would call uncle. Guys who I thought would always be there. Manny possibly might. But Settle….I don’t think so. I don’t know why, but thats just how I feel. Maybe because I always wondered why Brian would be friends with someone like me. (Don’t you just love my self-esteem?) And no, I can’t define “people like me”. I don’t know why I feel that way. But I do. Anyway…I’ve lost both Manny and Brian. But tonight I was reminded of one guy who will probably always be there. He and I have been trying to get together but we forget, or don’t have time, or the weather interfers. But today I got home and among the 15 other new messages, was John. He was home, off work and wondering what I was doing. I had already called Brian and knew he was going to see 28 Days Later at Galleria. And for once I was invited. But then I called John and for some reason, I blew off Brian and the gang and went to play pool with him instead. And I found my brother again. We don’t have to talk. We are both concentrating on the game. The conversation is light, but its just understood. No need to talk much. And the car ride – he listens to me and he talks to me. Neither of us overanalyze things (least I don’t think so). But we don’t need to talk everyday. Just sometimes. It kind of reminded me of my dad and Kathy. Other than the whole blood relation. They just talk a little. And its enough. I know John will always be there for me. And he knows the same for me. Like me and Megan, we can not talk or see each other for a few weeks, but when we get together its like nothing has changed. Well, except us. But yah, our friendship is solid. I never really question it. I don’t know why I question Settle’s but never John’s. And I’ve learned something. I love John. He is such like a brother to me. Encouraging me. Teasing me. Caring for me. But not smoothering me. He is one of the few guys I can go out with and not worry about him trying to kiss me. Or touch me. I mean Manny is sweet. But his “friendly pats” are still weird because we dated. I mean, John actually respects girls in the way that my dad does. In the way Tim did. I’m not saying Manny doesn’t respect me. But not the same way. And I can hug John and he knows I don’t want him that way. And I know he doesn’t want me. Anyway, I’m done now. John is my brother. And I’m considering saying something to him about it. Just like thanks for everything he’s done. I suppose I should like go to the Cubbyhole and write him a letter, since he’ll never see it anyway. But brothers are cool. I wish I had a real one, but instead of being stuck with whatever my parents come up with, I got to choose him (sort of). So John is awesome.