breathing is a foreign task

I need a girlfriend. I don’t have that person here anymore who I can just be a girl around. As much as I like Sarah and as much time as we spend together, I don’t feel like she really knows me. The Mike Saga (which seems unending) has a new chapter. And all I want is a girlfriend to talk to about it. I want them to be on my side and hate him. I don’t want someone to laugh at me or mock me. I don’t want someone to tell me “I told you so.” I’m hurting and I’m mad and I just want some sympathy. I want a friendly shoulder to cry on. I fell for him. There I admit it. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to. But somewhere in the past three years, even knowing everything I know, I fell for him. I feel like we’re star-crossed lovers or something, destined for love and heartbreak. I care about him so much, but we’re never going to make it. I can manipulate our story to make it seem like we have a chance, but we really don’t. I can see the signs and I know the truth. He wants to buy a house in Texas, and I will never be able to live in Texas. My dreams and what I want do everything to take me away from him and his dreams. Neither of us are going to abandon those dreams. I’m not mad about that. I’m mad that our dreams can’t send us to the same place. I’m mad at my heart for letting me fall for someone again. I’m mad that I couldn’t be strong enough, or smart enough to walk away before I got in over my head.

My friend wrote an entry recenting about “the one” and his strong belief in the existance of such being. I’m so jealous of him. He talks about the butterflies and fireworks. I’ve had those. I’ve walked on a cloud and flosted through weeks. Granted I did return to earth and have to face reality. But I want those butterflies and those fireworks. I want my skin to spark at his touch. I’ve had that, not with Mike, but I’ve had that. There is the other side to butterflies and sparks. There is the hard work of a relationship and the energy that must be put in. But initially, there is a spark, there is a flip-flop in your stomach just at the sight of him.

I have a problem believing in The One. I have a hard time believing I’ll ever love someone as intensely as I have in the past. I’m not saying my love will be the same with each person, but its never matched the intensity that I had with Tim. I don’t know why, but it just never gets that deep. I don’t know what that is. Maybe its because I was so deeply hurt by Tim that I won’t let anyone into the deepest parts of my heart where he once was. I let him in and he left me a wreck. It still hurts when I try to reach into that part of my heart. I don’t love Mike anywhere near as much as I loved Tim. But this still hurts and it still sucks.

Right now I think the worst part of all of this is that I feel, yet again, like I have noone to turn to. No one to sit me down with a bucket of ice cream and help me wallow. No one to say the right thing, really anything, to help me feel better. I can’t go to Sarah because she really just doesn’t get me at all ever. She’s rubbing off on me, but she doesn’t understand me. I don’t know if I’m just that good or what. I really don’t think I’m all that mysterious. Manny could always read me and so could Settle. Even Preppy could pick up on a lot of things. I don’t do well with suppression and that is all Sarah ever does. I’m emotional, I need to feel. I need to express anger and yell and get things off my chest. Fine, she wants to suppress everything in her life, thats her choice. But I feel like she mocks me when I don’t react the way she does. She calls me stupid and makes me feel like an idiot. Thanks, but my dad and Manny did enough of that for me to last me a lifetime.

Enough of this crap talking in circles. I’m mad because I fell in love and it hurts. I’m mad because I never wanted to feel like my heart was being ripped from its chest. I’m in pain and agony and I can’t deal with it. I have too much to do. Something else I should point out – Mike didn’t do anything wrong. He’s never led me on or given me false hope or lied to me. I don’t blame him for this, except that I’m mad I fell in love with him. Somehow, that has to be partly his fault, right? ….. This is where I need girlfriends…..

So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover’s clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn’t make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking’s just too much to ask
and you’re measuring your minutes by a clock that’s blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you’d like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren’t we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.

Brilliant Dance ~ Dashboard Confessional