breathing fire was never this much fun

Twelve in12

Reading
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Sentimental Education ~ Gustave Flaubert

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove

I hate my online class professor. She’s unhelpful and rude. A student asked a question about something and her answer was “Read the notes.” By the student’s question, it was clear he had read the notes. He didn’t understand it and therefore was asking for help. I hate teachers like that. I also had emailed her about my problem with getting the textbook and her answer was “It doesn’t matter what city you are in. You can still go online.” Going online CLEARLY wasn’t my problem. I went online to email her. My problem was the textbook. Gah! I hate rude and stupid teachers. The textbook is also beyond annoying. Seriously, some of the vocabulary words are subtract, add, and multiply. I thought this was a computer book, not a math book. I have no problem with the fact that I need to compute and do math for the work in the textbook, but do they really need to define these words? And her notes are so odd to read. And the discussion questions don’t seem to have anything to do with what I read in the textbook OR what she’s written in the notes. So I’m frustrated and the first exam is tomorrow. So I’m kind of cramming now. But at least it takes my mind off The Guy.

Florida is lovely, but I’m just in a bad mood all around lately. I went to the beach Friday morning alone and studied. I really enjoyed that time, alone and with my own thoughts. I got quite a bit of work done although I didn’t understand most of it. Friday afternoon I spent with my paternal grandmother (GM). I love her because she is my grandmother, but I have to watch what I say around her. She doesn’t approve of my drinking because she thinks I drink all the time. She doesn’t approve of some of my friends because they are that different from me. She always critisizes them and even to a degree insults them. I don’t appreciate my friends being attacked, even when they are not there to hear it. I like my friends and they make me happy. Ahh, well. She’s old and stuck in her ways. My bigger problem is when she tries to impose her ways on the rest of the world and gets mad when we don’t do it her way. So I can’t be open with her. I have to watch what I say. But she has come a LONG way about dealing with my bipolarism. She read the paper I wrote and actually asked some questions this visit. I don’t think she understands but I think she wants to know more, which is a big step for her. She wants to understand and help, and I actually appreciate that a lot, even when she doesn’t really help. Both her and my father have come to terms with a lot of my condition. They understand it better than they did, though not as good as others. But progress is always good. I really do think she enjoyed my company and my visit. She had a list of things she wanted me to do and we managed to get everything done, even a few other things. Grandchildren are on this earth to make their grandparents happy and I’m trying.

Saturday was a good day. My maternal grandmother (GW) and I had breakfast on the beach. There is a cafe that has all you can eat pancakes and sausage literally on the beach. It was yummy and then she and I sat on the beach for four hours! I got a lot of work done, though I still didn’t get most of it and she read her magazine. I got a little more sun than I bargained for, but only on my back. It really doesn’t sting that much. I’ve had much, much worse. Once I got sun poisoning and if you think its a myth, you are wrong! I fell asleep in the sun waiting for my cousins to finish with the sunscreen. My aunt thought I already had it on, so she didn’t say anything. I was on my stomach with a low-back bathing suit and scorched my back and the back of my legs and arms. And I mean scorched. I was so burned, it was turning purple! The next day I was so sick – I was throwing up. Eventually it turned into a dark tan, but it was awful! I’ve grown to love my pasty white skin. It’s the Scottish blood in me. White skin, so thin you can see the veins up and down my legs and arms. Family traits! So I had sunscreen on this time when I went to the beach. You really can’t be on the beach and get no color even with high spf sunscreen. Besides, I couldn’t go to Florida and come back as white as when I left. So I’m happy now. GW got some sun on her face and arm too, but she says it doesn’t hurt. She’s a tough cookie.

I don’t want to study, but I have two chapters to get through before I even start reviewing for the exam. I already looked at the discussion notes and I’m lost on them. I made a huge breakthrough last night before dinner, so I feel a little more prepared, but I’m hoping for at least one more before tomorrow. And I haven’t practiced once since I’ve been down here. I really need to get some work in, but I have until Thursday. We’ll see what happens!

Even with all the studying and excitement, I still think about The Guy. I’m upset that he hasn’t emailed and I think that’s okay. I don’t like being upset, which makes me mad at him for upsetting me. I don’t think I’ll write all that in an email to him, but I do want to let him know. I care enough about him and our friendship that I want him to know when I’m mad at him. I’m not really sure he understands what it can be like when I’m mad at him. Maybe I should get Manny or Brian to call him and warn him…. To some degree, I’m also mad at all the people who told me there was something going on between us. They still may be right, but I hate having my hopes built up to have them dashed against the rocks. On top of that, I’m mad at myself for listening to those people. I’ve also been thinking about his lack of writing. If we don’t see each other over the summer, am I going to hear from him at all? Or will I have to go all summer without communicating with him? I’m not sure I want to be with a guy who’s like that. I don’t need a lot, but a short note every once in a while would be nice. What if we do get together and end up going very different directions after here? Do we never talk again? I mean, if he can’t write when we’re just friends, is that telling of how things will be when we’re more than friends? I just wonder…

But I must push him to the back of my mind and focus on this stupid class now. I’m sure once the exam is over, I’ll start ranting a bit more.

Getting too busy to make amends<BR>
I should try to make it right
Are you ready for the shit to hit
I think you say you are but aren’t
Doctor make it better instantly
You’re the only one who can
I’ve been waiting here my whole damn life
And I’ve forgotten what I wanted

Maybe I can do it
If I put my back into it
I can leave you if I wanted
But there’s nowhere else that I can go

Maybe I won’t suffer
If I find a way to love her
I’d be lying to myself
But there is no way out that I can see

If I lied you’d know it instantly
So I just had to look away
All the honesty I’ve ever lost
I can’t begin to even curse
I never knew the taste of blood till now
It’s clear I never should have known
Breathing fire was never this much fun
So there’s a dark side in us all

Maybe I can do it
If I put my back into it
I can leave you if I wanted
But there’s nowhere else that I can go

Maybe I won’t suffer
If I find a way to love her
I’d be lying to myself
But there is no way out that I can see

Ways and Means ~ Snow Patrol