Boys….all I really want is Boys!

I’m at work so this might be a bit short.

I feel like I’m slowly losing Brian. Not really because he’s pushing me away or anything, but because I hardly talk to him. And while I really miss him, I just don’t want to put a lot of effort into making him come and talk to me. Its just not worth it for me to do that to him or to me. If he won’t talk, he won’t talk. And its not so much that I need to dump all my problems on him. Its just that talking to him and being around him calms me and settles me. Makes me feel safe somehow. Whereas right now Manny drives me up a freaking wall. And not by doing anything except basically breathing and living. Not like I want him to die cause that would be horrible. Beyond horrible. But just him being around puts me on edge and makes me upset. And I don’t like being like that. I wish I could just relax around him, but for some reason I can’t and I can’t seem to figure out why. I’d love to talk to Brian about this, but…I dunno. I feel like I’m losing him again. This time I don’t want to fight and make a nusiance of myself. If we stay friends, its cause we are friends, not cause I’m stalking him and he’s too nice to tell me off.

I miss John too. I almost wish he didn’t have a girlfriend so that he’d be free more often to talk to me. 😉 But thats only joking. I’m so happy he and Jill are together and that he is happy. In a manner of speaking. But whoa, I really miss him. He’s another person that just relaxes me and makes me feel safe and protected. Kinda like Jace, but I’ve known John so much longer and we have a history. But then again Jace is here and John is there. So you make do with what you have. I kind of want to go back to Calvin. Not really to go to school there, but to visit all my friends. It would be so awesome to see them and be able to hang out with them. Maybe I will see if I can get a cheap flight there for some weekend. I would take the train, but it takes seriously 24 hours. I don’t know. I want to go see Heather too at some point. Krissy said she would go with me, which would be ok, except if she talks the entire 3 hours I will throw her body out of the car while we’re on the highway. She’s cool and everything, but sometimes its like KRISSY SHUT UP! Heather understood the whole listen to me ramble and make no sense idea. Krissy doesn’t. I’m not saying that I should be allowed to talk and she can’t say anything. But seriously the girl never shuts up.

Grrr! And I want a boy. Not really a boyfriend or anything serious but someone to cuddle ith sometimes and go to the movies with and someone to kiss sometimes. I dunno. I’m just lonely I guess. And chick flicks suck because there is always the “happily ever after” stuff where the guy and girl get together and end up kissing. One of them should die or hate the other one or something instead of ending up together. I mean thats more like the real world and then I wouldn’t feel so lousy when I leave the theater. I miss Bobby too. He was my movie going buddy along with Krissy and Heather. With more people in the group, you don’t have to constantly pay attention to Krissy. When its just me and her, there’s no one else to roll eyes with or turn to when I want to ignore Krissy.

I think my dad is almost ready to go home (YAH!) so i’m off (like a prom dress!)