Bittersweet

Yah, so now the last of my stable world has crumbled. He was arrested, Heather was questioned and its all starting. I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m done. I just want everything to go away and stop. And I want to know where I’m going and what I should be doing. High school was so much easier. There was a goal, a point to reach. Now there is just life. My goal is to live. Ok – define it more. I can’t. Live where, with who, doing what? What am I called to do? I don’t know where I’m going and without Tim it becomes an empty pointless journey. I hate it so much. And I feel so alone and empty. And thinking of him makes me so happy. But it hurts that much more when I hit the earth with a resounding crash. So I cut that part out of me. And hope that I live through it. But its just pointless and empty. And love songs and love stories and everything that once made me happy, still do but its a bittersweet happiness. And I miss him so much. But its like, I’m not really obsessing. Because I can make it through the days not thinking about him. It just feels pointless. And so he is like a drug I take every once in a while. To keep me going, but not enough to get drunk. Maybe its dangerous and I’m addicted. Whatever it is, I just really miss him. And maybe someday someone will come along and help me let him completely go. I just really hope that it never happens and one day I go running to his arms, never to be pushed out again.