Back-dated entry

The play is over. Been over for about a week now. How starnge. The shows were great. I don’t know if we ever sold out but each house was pretty packed. Interesting things have been happening too. Work ended which was great. It was like graduation but so much better. It was hard to contain my excitment on my last day. But I’m glad to be rid of that place, if not forever at least a while. Things that go on there are no longer my problem. So the show or more specifically, the cast parties…

Friday and Saturday are always diner nights. Friday, Justin brought his mom and Ryan, so he didn’t go to the diner. I ended up at a table with Blake, Eric, Max and a bunch of 15-year-old girls. I can’t stand that many 15-year-old girls all in one place at one time. They make me bonkers. Saturday night was way more interesting. Justin did come. We tried to save a seat for Blake but we ran out of room. He ended up squeezing into the end of the table between me and Dan. It was interesting how we sat. From Dan to Justin with me and Blake between, we were all in college. The other hald was all high school and then at the other end were those annoying girls. I still haven’t decided if Blake and I were leaning on each other because there was limited space or if it was something else. He and Just will both be going to RIT starting in the fall. Justin told me he wanted to come to all my concerts at Fredonia and then all of a sudden, Blake wanted to go too. It didn’t strike me until later. Just wants me to come visit him and then Blake was asking me to visit him too. It was somewhat odd, but whatever. I dn’t see or interact with Blake enough to even consider a relationship. I see him once a year for a week. Justin on the other hand….I’ll get to that later. At some point on Saturday night at the diner, the high schoolers figured out Justin and I went to high school with their chorus teacher, Tony. They were bugging us for stories about him in high school. They only big thing I remember was Tony coming out after graduation and I was pretty sure they didn’t know that. I was also pretty sure he wouldn’t want them to know if they didn’t already know. So I carefully steered the conversation towards McN which is way jucier than anything Tony might have done or not.

So the ride home, I let Justin drive. He said he felt bad about telling those kids about Tony. I told him if he thought about it we didn’t tell them anything about Tony, really more about McN. Just said he thought Tony had come out. I said I thought so too but I didn’t know if those kids knew which is why I steered the conversation towards McN. Justin didn’t say anything thing but he still didn’t seem too happy. It vaguely reminded me of “discussions” I used to have with Tim, like an old married couple. it was eerie, both comfortable and upsetting.

Anyway, my mother and DeDra have decided Justin and I should get together. I really care about Justin and the more time we spend together the more I can see us working. Maybe thats part of the problem. He’s going to grad school in like two days and in the past four years, I really only see him when he’s home in the summer. And then its usually with all my boys. I think reality is that I’m afraid to mess up the relationship we already have. Its a great friendship and I really value that. Besides the fact that I’m in the process of going back to school this year. And that makes this year especially important. I don’t want to be bothered by boyfriends and relationships. I need to focus on school for right now.

Maybe I’m hiding behind that sorry excuse, or maybe it is justifiable. I miss Mike, but its almost came at a perfect time. He’s not around to make me nuts anymore. So thats good. But I can’t see Justin doing that to me. What I can see is someday possibly marrying Justin and thats my real fear. I’m not ready to date my potential husband. Because if Justin and I were to date, I wouldn’t do it casually. It would be serious and heading in a serious direction. Now if it doesn’t work out, I’m not sure I’m prepared for the fallout of that. It doesn’t matter who breaks whose heart, it would just be strange and difficult. Could I really deal with that right now? But what if I lose? Its not like he’s going to wait around forever. I don’t even know if he does like me to begin with. All this thinking and rethinkings could be for nothing. That is always a huge possibilty.

So school starts tomorrow and I’ve had too much spare time to think about all this so I’m glad. I spent the past weekend at the cabin with Nitta and my parents. Nitta’s had a hard summer and needed to get out of the county. I totally get that so I took her Noth. We had a good time and I’m glad I could do something to help her.

Ok, ok, I’m going to bed now because I actually do have school tomorrow.