anyway to face the pain that kills you

Twelve in12

 Reading 

The Lance Thrower ~ Jack Whyte

Finished

I no longer sleep like a normal person.  I can’t.  I just… I can’t.  I’m not tired when I try to sleep like a normal person.  Which would be fine in a normal person. "Just lie there with your eyes closed and eventually you’ll fall asleep."   And its true.  Eventually, I would fall asleep and could be a "normal" person.  Except I have no way of controlling the paths my mind takes when I’m trying to fall asleep.  I’ve tried counting sheep, blessings, spots in my eyes.  It never works.  Rather than drifting off to sleep, my mind drifts off to dangerous places.  Ideas about how I’m no good and pathetic and peaked years ago, am a drain on my family and friends and really what’s the point, why am I not happy, what would make me happy, why can’t I be happy, I’m never really happy, I should just….

Yeah, its not a pretty place though I’ve been there plenty enough before.  I don’t want to think along those lines.  I don’t even want to venture close to those lines.  This is why I watch so much TV.  I’m not really watching it, I’m listening to it.  It shuts out the crazy voices in my head.  It gives me something to think about besides how worthless and pathetic I am.

So I work or play WoW and stay awake for hours on end until my body can no longer take it and I literally crash with exhaustion.  Then I wake up and start all over again.  My pastor and one of the church secretaries commented on how bad my sleeping habits are and how I can’t keep doing this to my body.  I wanted to scream at them that my other option is suicidal thoughts.  This is the best way I know how to keep things at bay.  But they did make a good point.  I’m still just spinning my wheels.  Sleeping in this type of pattern means that I can’t work like a normal person.  I can’t hold a normal job because my sleeping and waking is not normal.  So I can’t hold down a job, I can’t save up money, I can’t move out of the basement or buy a new car.  I’m just spinning my wheels.  Holding onto to reality for dear life.

Although….

I just had a thought.  Literally as I was typing this out, my mind sky-rocketed to another thought.  If I could get larger companies to sell my reeds – or rather, to buy my reeds to sell.  I could continue to sleep and work at this pace, in this style.  I’ve been so focused on getting local students and buyers.  But what about the bigger online companies that so many people use?  Obviously for reed buyers and not students, but still.  I could spend all my time making reeds for these companies to sell.  I could send them a few samples and see if they have any need for a new reed-maker.  There is a chance that they would say no, or that they would only buy in bulk or…  Who knows!  But I remember that my old oboe teacher used to make and sell reeds to companies in large batches.  Why couldn’t I do that?  Why couldn’t I make reeds and have other people sell them for me?  Why would that be so difficult?

Maybe then I could start making enough to get my own place, and to buy a newer car.  I could start putting money away.  I could focus my energies on what I really love to do.  Or at least what generally makes me happiest the most amount of time.

Why didn’t I think of this before?  And why oh why am I still awake at 4 am, craving Steak N Shake and wanting my bed finally.  *Sigh*  I think I need to accept the fact that while this may be the safer way to live for the moment, I’m never going to have a family like this.

Something’s gotta give.

It’s made up of lonely moments
There was always a moment there when I knew.
You always gave installments,
Always knew you concentrated and grew.

And I believe in reinvention,
Do you believe that life is holding the clue?
Take away all the lonely moments,
Give me full communication with you.

Your smile, shine a little light, alright
Don’t hide, shine a little light,
Give up on your pride.

Do you believe in reinvention,
Do you believe that life is holding the clue?
Any way to face the silence,
Any way to face the pain that kills you.

Your smile, shine a little light, alright
Don’t hide, shine a little light,
Give up on your pride.

Don’t hide, shine a little light,
Give up on your pride,

Give up on your pride, the moment’s gone;
Give up on your smile, life is long.
So, I seen a bad dream, that you were gone:
I got bitten on the soul, my blood will run.

Give up on your pride, the moment’s gone;
Give up on your smile, life is long.
So I seen a bad dream, you were gone:
You’re bitter and cold, my blood will run.

Your smile, shine a little light, alright
Don’t hide, shine a little light, 
Give up on your pride. 

Pride ~ Syntax