Anxiety? Unmeasureable

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Myst: The Book of Ti’ana ~ Rand Miller
Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett

That’s it.  I’m done pretending this is okay and everything will be fine.  I don’t know what it is about hospitals, but I don’t like them and I don’t like people I love being in them.  I don’t care what anyone says – if you’re in the hospital, it is serious.  It’s not good.  I’m not saying everyone who goes into the hospital dies.  I’m not that much of a freak.  But when a little girl with a supposedly simple infection goes in and instead of being released within the week like they said, is kept for over two weeks while they still try to figure out what the infection is – ITS NOT GOOD!  I’m scared and I’m done pretending to myself that its okay.  To everyone else, I’m unconcerned and unfreaked out.  But let’s be honest at least with myself, my insides are cringing.  Where the hell is House when you need him!?

It doesn’t help that my grandmother is also in the hospital.  She just had a stroke, and I understand she needs to be there.  But a stroke is serious.  My mother tried to make light of the situation for me, I know she did.  But stop fucking pretending.  This isn’t normal, this isn’t okay, this isn’t all going to turn out alright!  I’m going nuts, becoming unbelievable anxious and crazy.  All I want to do is cook and practice and pretend my life is something else; that I am someone else, somewhere else.  In that life, things are not perfect, but at least in that life, things are honest.  People are honest.  Feelings and worries and fears are out there and honest.

Yes, I’m freaking out.  Yes, I’m unbelievable anxious and worried and last night’s dream is not helping.  I’m not really freaked because of who the groom was or the fact that I was getting married.  The reason the dream isn’t helping is because in the dream I felt safe.  Holding his hand, putting my arm through his – my anxiety lessened.  I was okay.  I wasn’t crawling out of my skin.  It’s the fact that I had that feeling and now I don’t.  Its the "you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone" symptom.  I had that feeling of being safe, of being with someone who could help me and take on some of the burden.  It wasn’t that the problems went away; It was that I had the strength to take them on.  And I’ve been saped of that strength.

Right, right – A guy doesn’t fix everything.  No shit.  They often come with more problems then they seem worth.  But I would honestly take any of my guy friends over my girl friends to help me de-stress.  But friends are just friends.  There’s no promise, no commitment to stick together.  I’m selfish.  I don’t mind sharing my friends, them having other friends and their own lives.  But a husband – not just a boyfriend – is different.  Our lives become one, for better or for worse.

In an attempt to lessen the stress, lessen the anxiety, I’m going to the movies with Lindsey and Sarah to see Prince Caspian.  Maybe junk food and a movie will make things better…  And these colors and bugging the hell out of me.  I need to change them soon.