Annoyance, Marriage, Kids and Early Mornings

So this weekend I was hardly home at all. I went out with Willerups on Thurs and Friday I went to a concert. The thunder sheet was huge! Almost twice the size of the guy playing it! It was really cool. The concert was awesome too. Anyway, Sat I went out for dinner and Sunday I spent the day with friends. It was good.
Manny and I are doing good, but we’ve had a few nasty fights. He still gets under my skin sometimes and I go crazy. I don’t like it here and I want to go home and I want Heather to be around and I want a car. And it seems like I can’t have anything I want, so I get really frustrated and upset and Manny gets the brute end of it. He just doesn’t understand that sometimes I don’t want to be cheered up. I need to stay upset and mad and in a mood. I know he’s just trying to help, but let me tell you, it can be annoying. I’ve slowly discovered that if I tell him what mood I’m in he’s better prepared for the stuff I tend to throw at him. But I’ve also found out that telling him I’m pissed off at someone or someone hurts me and I’m upset, he gets really upset too. He hates it when I’m upset. Which is good. But then at the same time, it makes me push aside what I’m dealing with and help him get over it. Which usually doen’t help me get over it. I mean I like to help people. And its like therapy for me. But Manny wants me to open up to him. And so therefore, he is the person I break down with. But see it hurts and destroys him. And I can’t do that. I can’t stand to see him like that because of me. And so…I might withdraw a little. And its not good.

Ok new topic. I just got off the phone with him. Opening up to him is really hard, but I am trying. A little bit when I feel brave enough. So I opened up a bit and told him I wanted an MRS degree. And I didn’t want him to think that this was a hint that we should be married or anything but I wanted to talk to him about it. I wanted to tell him. Ok – an MRS degree is something only women get. Its a Mrs. attached with a new last name. Its the idea that girls go to college to get married. Well, I never really wanted it. I wanted to get my own degree in music or social work or whatever I wanted to, and then after I was settled into that, I wanted to get married and start a family into a financially stable home. Now that plan could alter and change as need be, but that was the structure of it. Now I feel like I really want to settle down and start a family. And its an odd feeling. Its not like with Tim where I wanted to someday get married to him etc. My “husband” is still an unknown. Manny may be the one, which is the only reason I am with him. To find out if he is. But I am not sure 100% sure that he is my match. And I will not marry someone just because I want to get settled and raise a family. I will marry because I love him and it is God’s choice for me. So I am bidding my time and waiting. But the whole MRS degree thing, I love my music and I will never let it go, but it doesn’t seem as important sometimes as this longing for a family. If I had Mr. Right here and I knew it was him, and he asked – I would go and leave behind my dreams of music. BUT I don’t have Mr. Right, least I’m not sure if its him and I know he will not ask until we are both sure. Manny knows that Tim really messed with my head and drove me nuts and put all my emotions and trust on a spin. He knows that I am still not sure, but he is willing to wait and be there for me. Which only makes me a little more sure I am doing the right thing. And this is a weird sensation. I do want my music, but I want a family too. And I don’t know whats going to happen.
My conclusion, I feel like I’m writing a paper, is that since I don’t have Mr. Right here, or at least not sure that its him, I am going to continue on my “search” for him and stay following my dreams of oboe music. Translated = I’m staying with Manny to see if he’s the one, and I’m gonna stay with music, but also possibly other options. Its just all so weird. The best part of it all is that I told Manny and he did understand. He understands about me wanting a family, but that I’m not sure he is the one. I kinda get the feeling, he isn’t sure that I am the one either. He also understands how happy and unhappy I am here. I like the people here, I really do. Racheal is cool, Anna, Laura, Mary, Melissa and everyone else I’ve met, Joe and Bob are really cool. I like them and I like hanging with them. I do not have the same history with them I have with settle and with other friends, but that just takes time. But this school right now feels like I can’t do what I want, or the road I’ve choosen to follow. I don’t like it here because it is so foriegn to me. And quite possibly I need to stay here and adjust, because if I run home, how will I learn to live in different communities? So thats another ingredient to add to the mixing pot. But I want to go home. And home is just closer to home. I want to go to New York. I want to go somewhere where half the people don’t feel fake. I don’t care if you don’t go to church on Sunday. If you are not a Christian, fine with me. Here it is almost like a sin if you are not a Christian. It just seems confining. ARG!!!!
And yes Manny is right. I feel myself getting a little cold. A stratchy throat and really tired. Well not tired, because I haven’t been sleeping so thats just from that, but like thin and stretched. And when I try to sleep, I don’t sleep well at all. I have strange dreams and thoughts and I can’t sleep soundly. Only when I get to the point of utter exhaustion can I sleep for a few hours and really sleep. But that only does just enough to get me up for the next list of tasks and things I must do. And it is frustrating and I think now time to sleep.

So I wrote a lot and its early and I hope this all makes sense.