and we’ve both been shaken

twelve in 12: twelve books in twelve months

Twelve in12

Currently Reading: Mirror, Mirror by Gregory Macguire

Date:Monday, 11/6/2007Time:1:10 amMood Level:DepressedSeverity:Moderate (significant impact, able to work)Anxiety:2=ModerateIrritability:2=ModerateHours Slept:5 HoursMedication:100 mg Lamictal

I don’t really want to write, but Megan might have some exciting news in a few months. She called me this morning before class and I was so surprised to hear from her that early. But yeah, can’t wait until its official and out there. She’s also back in school! Which is amazing. She’s working on getting her associates in business management and eventually go on to her Bachelor’s and Masters. She knows everything might take sometime, but she’s doing it slowly and accepting help. Financial aid and grants – I’m so excited. Nitta and Megan – two of my favorite people, two of my smartest friends are going to be back in school. It makes me so happy.

Still ducking Heather – Don’t want to hear it right now from her. Rob’s coming over tomorrow for lunch.

I talked to Mom today too, about Megan and about money. I’ve been looking in the newspaper for another job, because I have absolutly no money left. I have no idea how I’m going to balance everything, but I need money. I mentioned it to Mom and we started talking. She said that she and Daddy didn’t want me abandoning my school work right now, especially when things are going so well. I’m .04 away from having a 3.0 GPA. She said that she and Daddy can help, but I need to ask. I just don’t want to ask. I want to do this on my own. I want to prove that I can do it. I want to be responsible. I want to be independent. She was great though. Its still going to be hard, and I don’t think Chicago is going to happen this year. I really don’t want to go home, but I might not have a choice. I don’t want to spend the entire week here by myself. Mom said she would pay for me to come home, but not to go to Chicago. She said that my aunt and grandmother might give me some money if I do go out there. But seriously, just for gas, I would need close to $100 and that’s just one way, without a stop in Indianapolis. I also don’t like asking my grandmother for money. She already pays for my tuition. I want to be independent. A part of me wants to go home, but another part doesn’t want to. I want to see my cousins and enjoy my break. But on the other hand, there are things at home that I want. Things Mom can’t send and places I don’t want her even looking. And I have a lot of work to do over the break. Driving all the way to Chicago may not be the best use of time. I still don’t know how that’s going to work out.

I’m a little annoyed with Manny. Its not really annoyance, but I’m too tired to figure out the right word for it. He says he doesn’t want me to use him or anyone as a crutch. I understand what he’s saying, but I think he’s wrong. I really don’t want to need people. I definitly need people, but I constantly fight that urge. I fought that urge with Tim all the time and I fought the urge with Manny. I don’t call him everytime I have a bad night or a rotten day. I’ve never called him like that. He just constantly would bug me to talk about whatever was wrong, no matter how small. Anyways, this is not the first time he’s accused me of using him as a crutch. And this is not the first time I’ve been annoyed with the saying. But now, things have changed. I’m different and so is he. We’re just changed.

The problem is that he doesn’t understand the bipolarism in me. He tries, but as much as he tries he doesn’t understand why I need people. They are not crutches, they are a support system. He has a huge family support system. I’m not saying my family doesn’t support me, but they are far away and its not the same. Tim understood that. He understood the line between supporting me and being a crutch. I need my independence, my own strength. But I push too hard, go too far and then I collapse. I need someone to be ready to catch me when I start to fall. Cause my falls are bad. I’m just really lonely, surrounded by a million faces, yet all alone. I need that someone who can find the perfect balance between holding me up and controlling me. I need someone who will also let me be a support to them. I never felt like that with Manny. Even now, it often feels like I’m the one with all the problems, all the heartache and his life is fine. Part of it is our outlooks. I’m depressive, and he’s not. Shit happens to him and he just rolls with the punches. That’s just life. I roll too, but I roll off the edge of a cliff. He says that I’ve been a support and I’ve been there for him, but I don’t feel like I have. I’ve never felt like our relationship was balanced. I feel like I always took more than I gave. No amount of him assuring me this was not the case is going to change that. I can’t go back and change it. But our relationship was always unbalanced. I need something more balanced. Something where I’m worth to him what he’s worth to me.

And, of course, I miss Mike.

We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn’t tell you but I’m telling you now

Just let me hold you while you’re falling apart
Just let me hold you and we’ll both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it’s cold and we’re scared
And we’ve both been shaken
Hey, look at us
Man, this doesn’t need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you’re falling apart
Just let me hold you and we’ll both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I’ll be there for you and you’ll be there for me
Forever it’s you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you’re no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I’ll not forget
But I can only give you love

Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same(Ever the same)

Ever the Same ~ Rob Thomas

Shazar

November 6, 2007

“I want to do this on my own. I want to prove that I can do it. I want to be responsible. I want to be independent.” A huge part of being those things, ,my dear Rory, is also learning when you DO need help; standing on your own is great, but without a support system, you’ll fall into Lake Erie. …Eh, well, nevermind what I just said. I was noting as I read. But you made my point. Way to out-think me! Hmpf!